Blame!

WIGO23

I don’t know if other caregivers have this issue but I am having a tough time handling it.

DH with ALZ has mild cognitive impairment with very short memory. Every single time he makes a mistake, he blames me. He recognizes the mistake but seems compelled to make it my fault. I don’t chastise him for his mistakes so, I really am puzzled as to why he strikes out this way. Is he embarrassed? Is he trying to find a reason for the mistake other than the obvious?

I have tried saying the mistakes are just the disease and no one’s fault. It’s makes no difference. He just persists and goes on and on. I have gotten to the point of Just leaving the room as there is no point listening to his “logic” of why I am always at fault.

mom2boyz

Hi WIGO23. I understand completely where you are coming from. My DH has PCA secondary to early onset ALZ.

I think it's embarrassment along with frustration because it is mild and they know what's happening to them.

One thing I keep trying to tell myself is not to reason or try to correct him. I make the mistake of trying to jump in and help when he struggles with something instead of waiting for him to ask.

It's not an easy journey we are on, just try to focus on the highlights and surround yourself with a good support system. If possible, take a little time for yourself as well just to breathe and remember it's not your fault.

CindyBum

Oh yeah. Quite the thing to work through for me. Once I realized that it was easiest to just say, "Sorry, I must have forgotten to do that." or something along those lines, it doesn't bother me anymore. This has had a 100% acceptance rate from my DW and ends any battle immediately. Lol.

I literally take the blame for everything now and it has brought me a lot of peace, which I could not even begin to imagine early on. I really had to let go of so much of what I think is "right" in a relationship. So little of it applies now.

My aunt and mom still look at me sideways when I take the blame for things that aren't my fault, which is sweet of them. But, I'm trying to help them understand that I don't care if I take the blame at all now and that I'm not really in the same relationship with my DW anymore.

Good luck! This one has been a hard, hard one for me.

trottingalong

I would suggest not even mentioning it’s because of the disease. For him, he doesn’t have a disease and his brain is trying to figure something out. He doesn’t want to hear he has a disease. I never point out my husbands mistakes. He often recognizes something went wrong and I always try to say casually we all make mistakes, it’s not a big deal. If I get the blame for something I apologize and say things such as “I made a mistake, I don’t know what I was thinking.” I apologize. I always try to deescalate. It took me awhile to recognize that my attitude, facial expressions or tone, had the potential for escalation.

M1

Agree completely with Not reminding him he has dementia. I made the same mistake initially, i thought if my partner wax told she had dementia she would understand what that meant and recognize the need to defer to me when she ran into problems/made mistakes. But that's just not what happens, anosognosia prevents the affected person from being able to understand their own limitations. You'll only make him more defensive if you keep bringing it up. He's aware enough to know that hes frustrated but cannot see why. You are unfortunately the nearest and safe target. Unfortunately this stage can last a loonngg time. Of course it's not fair, and it changes your relationship.

Jemije

hello. My husband has slowly progressing AD but we went through times of conflict when I was trying to reason with him as I would have when his brain was functioning in normal mode. Somewhere I found this quote and it totally turned around my attitude. My relationship is no longer the equal one, at least cognitively, that it used to be. I came to accept the caregiver role without demeaning him.

GOLDEN RULES OF COMMUNICATING WITH PARTNER WITH DEMENTIA

Developing special sense dealing with people with memory issues begins with three Golden Rules:

1. Don’t ask direct questions
2. Listen to the expert – the person with dementia – and learn from them
3. Don’t contradict

terei

Do you want to be right or get along with him? Saying ‘sorry, I dont know what I was thinking’ when he blames you is going to go a long way with getting him off the subject

Stan2

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/216873#Comment_216873

100% in agreement. It took quite a while for me to stop being a "right fighter" but it brings so much peace.

JiminTexas

I agree with eveyone's comments above. I have an engineering background and my bigget challenge was not contradicting my DW when she stated something tht was wrong. She takes it as a personal afront. Had to learn just to let it go. Same with her de ja vu, which I have not seen a lot of here. Most stories on the evening news have been shown for "the last three days", even if it was a wreck that happened that day. Same with literally every movie I suggested on Netfliks. "We" had seen them all, even ones that had just dropped. Had to just learn not to disagree just change the subject. When she continues to say she has seen the news or a movie I just have to say that I didn't remember and wanted to see it. Frustration level is high.

Bailey's Mom

My DH is the same way with movies…always says we've seen it & automatically hates any movie if I picked it. We used to enjoy watching a movie each night with dinner but now it has become an emotional nightmare. He also blames me for everything…even leaving the toilet seat up…and I too have learned to just not disagree…can't bring myself to say I'm sorry, though. Finances are a huge problem…he can't manage his brokerage account , taxes or anything else and resents my doing it (which I have for years now). Won't use a financial advisor or let me arrange for any outside help…a disaster. Not much left that is enjoyable in this relationship…

H1235

I have learned I am alway wrong and can never buy the correct brand, style, size of anything. Whatever I give it to her I expect to have to apologize for getting the wrong thing. I try to physic myself up for this but am still not used to it. Her niece and three kids trashed her house and I spent months cleaning it. Yet she blames me for the things they ruined. It hurts so much. I am the one with the DPOA so it’s me that put her in AL and won’t let her go back to her house. Not only do I take the blame she is vindictive and wants me to pay for what I’ve done. She tells me she hopes my kids treat me as horribly to me as I am to her. Dementia not only messes with our loved ones mental health but takes a real toll the caregivers as well.

howhale

My wife refuses to accept responsibility for anything she does incorrectly or messes she makes and reading your comments offers suggestions I needed to improve my behavior at those times. I had to learn the hard way to quit trying to reason out the responsibility and just let it go. Your comments about facial expressions is a big one for me to try. I know I get frustrated and tired and my expressions surely show it. I must try to manage that better and maybe it will help. I believe she knows something is not right with her and becomes afraid or frustrated when something goes wrong. Admitting a mistake must surely confirm to her that something is wrong. I have to let it go better. Sometimes allowing her to make a mess, within reason, may be the "right" answer for that battle. I can clean it up. I don't want to give her up to this disease and I think I try to debate her on issues in hopes she is still inside there and will come back. Every time I yield to the disease I feel that I have lost another part of her to it and I hate losing. In the late evening when she is tired and sits so close to me on the sofa and won't let go of my hand or arm and tells me what I good person I am is the time I wish for every day. I wish all day could be just those couple hours.

PS67

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/217062#Comment_217062

For sure, this disease is taking a toll on me. I feel like I’m being sandpapered away. Even though my DH is diagnosed as Mild Cognitive Impairment, annoyance and irritability with me is either present or very easily activated. I cannot remember hearing purely positive words, even like, “The sky’s a beautiful color tonight.”

Sorry for all the negativity you encounter.

PS67

I completely understand. Home is anything but a haven.

PS67

Very helpful. Thank you.

JC5

married 50 years and the first 20 spent accepting blame and apologizing for everything DH was not happy with. Finally had it and learned to live the next 30 doing what made me happy. You have a meeting fine, cook your own dinner. You want to hang out with your friends fine I’m going out with mine. Made my own life and loved it! Now he has VD and blames me again for everything! It’s hard it’s not fair sorry no answers except you are not alone

DTSbuddy

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/70004/blame

I have read that one symptom of FTD is reduced empathy, and that is certainly true for us. The fact that something would be inconvenient, much less painful, to me, does not matter to him, most of the time.

Stan2

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/217471#Comment_217471

I hear ya, it seems I am only here to respond to her wants and needs. However a couple days ago when we went to bed she took my hand and said " I know I don't show it much, but I really love you". It doesn't change most things but it gives me something to hang on to.

BarnesL

I feel the same way as all these comments. I have not been correct in a discussion with my DW for over 4 years now. I always just agree with her point of view and that usually ends it. It's much better to just be wrong and end the topic. I get a lot of comfort from all the posts on this website.

mathreader

I'm there too. Last night, for example, after a really hard day when our dog died, we sat and watched a movie and everything seemed ok. Then at bedtime DH took a while to come to bed. All of the sudden he came to the bedroom beside himself and I was getting blamed for losing his keys (they were right where he left them, and no, he doesn't drive if you are wondering), not parking the car in the right place (it was in the garage where it belonged), leaving the car outside (once again, it was in the garage), and on and on. I had to get up and show him everything was where it should be, but he was still annoyed that he had looked around for "25 minutes" before he came to tell me about the situation. I need to learn to take blame where there is none, but so far I feel my back go up and I want to defend myself from the meaningless accusations. I'm working on it.

ThisLife

I'm sorry for the loss of your dog. ((hug))

trottingalong

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/217516#Comment_217516

you will find a level of relief once you start taking blame. It was difficult/frustrating in the beginning, but now it’s just the norm and comes easily. So much less drama.

Bailey's Mom

I can soooo relate to all of these posts. All day long I just take the blame for everything…don't even consider defending myself no matter how ludicrous it is. He has actually always done this…I used to say I was sorry at least 50 times a day just to try to keep him from having an outburst…this has been for over 50 years. Now I don't apologize…just don't argue with him and hope the lecture isn't too long (usually he goes on for at least 2 hrs, sometimes much more). Been a rough couple of days so doing some venting…thanks for listening!