Blame!

Hi WIGO23. I understand completely where you are coming from. My DH has PCA secondary to early onset ALZ.

I think it's embarrassment along with frustration because it is mild and they know what's happening to them.

One thing I keep trying to tell myself is not to reason or try to correct him. I make the mistake of trying to jump in and help when he struggles with something instead of waiting for him to ask.

It's not an easy journey we are on, just try to focus on the highlights and surround yourself with a good support system. If possible, take a little time for yourself as well just to breathe and remember it's not your fault.

I would suggest not even mentioning it’s because of the disease. For him, he doesn’t have a disease and his brain is trying to figure something out. He doesn’t want to hear he has a disease. I never point out my husbands mistakes. He often recognizes something went wrong and I always try to say casually we all make mistakes, it’s not a big deal. If I get the blame for something I apologize and say things such as “I made a mistake, I don’t know what I was thinking.” I apologize. I always try to deescalate. It took me awhile to recognize that my attitude, facial expressions or tone, had the potential for escalation.

hello. My husband has slowly progressing AD but we went through times of conflict when I was trying to reason with him as I would have when his brain was functioning in normal mode. Somewhere I found this quote and it totally turned around my attitude. My relationship is no longer the equal one, at least cognitively, that it used to be. I came to accept the caregiver role without demeaning him.

GOLDEN RULES OF COMMUNICATING WITH PARTNER WITH DEMENTIA

Developing special sense dealing with people with memory issues begins with three Golden Rules:

1. Don’t ask direct questions
2. Listen to the expert – the person with dementia – and learn from them
3. Don’t contradict

My wife refuses to accept responsibility for anything she does incorrectly or messes she makes and reading your comments offers suggestions I needed to improve my behavior at those times. I had to learn the hard way to quit trying to reason out the responsibility and just let it go. Your comments about facial expressions is a big one for me to try. I know I get frustrated and tired and my expressions surely show it. I must try to manage that better and maybe it will help. I believe she knows something is not right with her and becomes afraid or frustrated when something goes wrong. Admitting a mistake must surely confirm to her that something is wrong. I have to let it go better. Sometimes allowing her to make a mess, within reason, may be the "right" answer for that battle. I can clean it up. I don't want to give her up to this disease and I think I try to debate her on issues in hopes she is still inside there and will come back. Every time I yield to the disease I feel that I have lost another part of her to it and I hate losing. In the late evening when she is tired and sits so close to me on the sofa and won't let go of my hand or arm and tells me what I good person I am is the time I wish for every day. I wish all day could be just those couple hours.

I completely understand. Home is anything but a haven.

you will find a level of relief once you start taking blame. It was difficult/frustrating in the beginning, but now it’s just the norm and comes easily. So much less drama.