My first visit to Mom in Memory care

Marie C.

We made the difficult decision last week to move my mom from AL to Memory care. It was a emotional decision for me and hard on her. At the advice of the care facility, I have not visited her all week. I plan to go visit her tomorrow for the fist time since the move. I am very nervous. I have talked to her on the phone and she is not happy, she is agitated and wants to go home, She does not know why she is there. She keeps telling me "this is not going to work!" I really don't know what to tell her. The aids tell me she is constantly collecting her things and getting ready to "leave". I know she is not going any where but how do I kindly tell her that? Any advise on how to get through my first visit?

M1

welcome to the forum Marie. If I were you, I would ignore the packing up entirely. My partner still does this after over two years in MC, though with less intensity than initially.

I would take a treat of some sort when you visit, and limit your visit to a public area- she is less likely to act out verbally or otherwise in front of others. Make it time limited- perhaps so that you can leave at lunch or dinner time or when there is a distracting activity scheduled. You can also use any excuse to leave- a doctors appointment, picking up a grandchild, anything.

If she persists in talking about leaving, all you can do is defer and distract. “I’ll have to check with the doctor,” etc. She may not have any accurate sense of time; this can work to your advantage in terms of her not realizing how long she’s been there or when you’ll be back for another visit.

Let us know how it goes. It was over a year and required a move to a second facility before my partner calmed down. That’s longer than most. In our third year (and now on hospice), I go to help her eat lunch virtually every day.

Emily 123

Hi Marie,

You don't have to tell her, since it will agitate her—she isn't going to be able to process the information or be able to see a need for her to be there. Find an alternative reason why she's there—the AL had a water leak and black mold in her room, and this is the only place they could move her while they repair her walls and flooring, perhaps.

I'd do a quick trip in and out during an activity or meal, so that you can just pop in and leave while she has something to distract her.

It's not unreasonable to discuss her anxiety with her provider to see if meds might help her adjust.

Marie C.

Thank you very much. All good advice. She called me today and was very upset as she does not understand why she is there. I told her it is a program that we are trying and she had only been there a few days. She needed to give it some time. She seemed to calm down just talking to me but told me her anxiety was "unbearable". I told her I was coming to visit tomorrow. She thinks I live hours away and it is a long trip for me ( I actually live 10-15 minutes away). I will use this to try to reduce my visits. I plan to try to go twice a week which will help get my life more in balance. She is so upset. I hope tomorrow goes ok. Honestly, I want to see her but I am also dreading it . I have a lot of trouble telling her "a story " or a fillet. I so often fall in to the trap of answering her questions with a honest answer but I know that is not the best thing to do. Mom is no wallflower and turns up the interrogation skills when she wants answers. I fall in the trap every time. . Thank you again for your helpful advise.

housefinch

I’d also get rid of her phone, as her calls to you sound triggering.

M1

Agree Marie. Only two out of 45 residents in our facility have telephones.