Memory care outings-hows that work for everyone

Rosanne77

I had to quickly make some big decisions this week. My DH had a trip to the emergency room and then admitted to the hospital. He is not safe to return home. I have secured a room for him in a MCF. All he talks about is getting out of the hospital and going home. I'm sonqorried about the transition. His doctors have told me it will take tim, but he will actually do much better in this environment. I'm thinking, already about the future. They say at the facility, absolutely take him out, If we are comfortable doing so. My question is, with holidays, can a visit home be a bad thing? Like maybe we wouldn't be able to get him to go back? My daughters understand completely that I can't care for him any longer, but they can't imagine not having him celebrate with us. I'm thinking, maybe, our celebrations will have to be at the facility. What are your thoughts and experiences with this. Thank you in advance!

caregirl97

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/70238/memory-care-outings-hows-that-work-for-everyone

When my Grandfather was in a facility, we would take the celebration there, toned down, of course. Not too many visitors and simple on the celebration. I hope that helps.

M1

First I'm sorry you've had such a difficult time. Our transition to MC was similar, it followed an abrupt hospitalization when she became aggressive. That has never been repeated, fortunately, but even after two and a half years she still wants to leave MC and go home. I also know instinctively that she would not want to go back, so i simply do not take her out. We have only left the facility three times for doctor's appointments, never for a visit home or any family event or meal. Not at all in over a year now.

I think this differs by personality perhaps or by stage of dementia, but I would trust your instincts.

It might also help to realize that while you and your daughters will be feeling the loss of him at holidays, he won't suffer from it. My partner has no sense of time and no recognition of any holiday any more. I think it is contingent on you to act for his comfort and if you want to celebrate, do it at the facility. Most facilities recognize this and will have a dinner etc. for families. Last Christmas my son and his girlfriend went with me for lunch with my partner at MC and that was it. She had forgotten all about it by the next day.

Long way of saying that the change in your celebration will be harder on you than on him. I think it's fine to grieve the loss, and perhaps take the opportunity to establish some new traditions. Both of my parents died on major holidays (my dad on Thanksgiving and my mother on Christmas night four years later). So after mom died, my kids and i started a new tradition of reading together on Christmas Eve. 27 years later, it's still something we all look forward to and plan around, and is now important to my two granddaughters also. My point being that with change comes growth and opportunity, even if rooted in sadness and loss.

II hope his transition goes well. Let us know.

harshedbuzz

@Rosanne77

It's hard to say.

You'll need to wait some time to allow him to transition to his new home, caregivers and routine before considering this especially if he struggles to make the transition.

Another piece to this is disease progression; many PWD get to a point where they no longer enjoy/tolerate gatherings. Long before he was placed, dad went from being the life-of-the-party to someone who couldn't enjoy family celebrations even when limited to 5 soft-spoken adults invading his home. TBH, we only came so mom, his caregiver, would see us on holidays where it would be difficult to bring in a caregiver.

MCFs often host holiday events open to families ahead of major holidays which allows them to celebrate in a place familiar to the PWD leaving the actual day open for personal visits or larger celebrations at home. Some facilities will have a smaller dining area families can reserve for their own celebrations, too.

HB

LeTapp

My mom (early stage, in assisted/independent living) doesn't really seem to enjoy gatherings at my house. I had to sell her condo, so she can't go "home".

I make our celebrations as brief as possible, to a restaurant, or to my house. I don't think she had fun at Christmas last year, so this year, i won't have her stay overnight.

My advice would be to keep it brief, probably not in your home, that's what has worked so far.

sandwichone123

I used to take my spouse out, and we did holidays at my dad's house, but I did not want to bring him back to our shared home. Because I never brought him back here I can't tell you how it worked out, though. Perhaps consider celebrations at a neutral location? A kid's house or, if he can still be in public, a restaurant?

My dh was extremely upset the one time we did try Christmas at the facility—he was still getting out at that point and the whole goal of a visit was to GET OUT.

Rosanne77

He does have noise sensitivity so all visits recently to our home by friends have been kept very brief and only one couple at time. So it makes sense, what most are saying, about proceeding with caution. I will have to see how he adjusts..and follow his lead. Thanks to all that responded.

White Crane

Rosanne, my DH entered MC under similar circumstances. He became ill with pneumonia and couldn't return home because I could no longer take care of him. He has been in MC for almost seven months and still wants to come home. I have wanted to take him out for a ride and to get ice cream but I have no idea how he would respond when we went back to the MC. I worry that he would fight going back. I have discussed bringing him "home" for Thanksgiving with two of my children. One is supportive. The other one not so much. I put "home" in parentheses because our home of 52 years is being sold and I have moved to a smaller place. DH mother had Alzheimer's and her children took her out almost every Sunday for dinner and sometimes for church. She was a different personality than my DH though and never put up a fight about going back to MC.

harshedbuzz

Another thing to ask about is whether your facility has outings for residents. Dad's and my aunt's both had a weekly lunch out sometimes with a little shopping or visit to the park. Perhaps you could join one of the outings by meeting him at the restaurant?

HB

Joe C.

I think you need to figure out what will work for your DH and family, everyone is different. My DW has been in MC for 33 months and is in early stage 7. I was hesitant the first time I took her out for Christmas about 6 weeks after placement. I was concerned that she would not want to go back to the MC but bring her back went smoothly. Since then I have taken her out for holidays, family gatherings, and out to eat at restaurants. Tomorrow is our 35 wedding anniversary and I plan on taking her out to lunch. Over time it has gotten more and more challenging for me to take her out due to mobility and incontinence issues but I will still do so as long as I can. She actually likes being around people especially little children. She will start smiling when she see children and is completely enamored with them.

fmb

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/218906#Comment_218906

Happy Anniversary! May you have a day filled with blessings and good memories!