DH seems to hate me now

GSkinner

DH diagnosed with vascular dementia in 2020 still drives well and manages independently but lately he refuses to return from our mountain cabin or even see me because he says I’m too controlling. It doesn’t matter what I do or say; he finds everything controlling. He’s essentially run away from home (with the dog). Is this level of irritability common? How should I respond to
him? He is currently safe to be left alone but is gradually declining. I’m afraid he might do something serious like change the bank accounts or block me in his phone.

M1

Welcome to the forum. This sounds very scary on several fronts.

You need to act before he does. It sounds like you need to notify his doctors of this behavior, and you need immediate legal advice. You need to hold his powers of attorney for health care and finances. It doesn't sound like you have done this, so, find a certified elder law attorney in your area at nelf.org. Also, talk to your bank, you need to notify them of your concerns right away. They may be able to give you some advice about how to proceed. A good attorney may know how to talk to him to convince him to sign, if not you may have to file for guardianship, which is a more complicated process.

The level of irritability sounds extreme and bordering on paranoia. You have to think of your own safety too. Medication may help, but getting him to take it may be a challenge. You always have the option of calling 911 if he threatens you. You should keep your phone with you at all times and identify a safe room in your house that you can lock if you have to.

He almost certainly should not be driving, but that is a different battle.

you have come to a good place for advice and support. Read a lot of threads and you will learn a lot. He likely has anosognosia, doesn't recognize his limitations and thinks he's fine. This makes everything more difficult.

Iris L.

Is there a son or daughter or siblings or friend he might listen to? How are you going to get him down from the mountain? Search for a geriatric psychiatric unit for him to be hospitalized into, if necessary, considering his level of paranoia. Also, please read a lot of threads. He doesn't sound safe to be left alone in the woods.

Iris

ButterflyWings

I am sorry you are going through this. It sounds like you received excellent and urgent feedback here. Was there a specific incident or discussion that preceded his taking off?

Does he have weapons at the cabin, or access to them? If so, it is important to share that information with anyone who may try to visit to help with this situation in case he is hallucinating or delusional, which is not unusual.

Sorry to say, but driving is surely not safe and if diagnosed 4 years ago it is seems really likely he is unsafe to be alone anymore actually. It is hard to see this when we are so close to the situation, but please trust the members on this.

Urgent calls are needed to a CELA (legal options) and his diagnosing Dr (meds, other options to have him evaluated currently, and treated.)

GSkinner

This is the first time I’ve asked for help from a forum and your insights are amazing. Thank you so much. In response: he is on a low-dose anti-anxiety med which has been very helpful. We do have our legal affairs in order and I have POA. Our medical provider sees this as a non-medical behavioral issue, i.e., there’s no law against being cranky. He isolates himself in the mountains against PCP’s advice but he is in a small town where some good friends keep an eye on him and let me know of any concerns. Yes he has access to guns and getting him to stop driving will be a huge hurdle. This concerns me a lot. He told me he has a set of keys hidden where I’ll never find them. His pattern has been to come home for a weekend and then go back to the cabin, except now he is avoiding me altogether. We don’t have a family network - I’m the only one he trusts (trusted?), but we do have the invaluable friends, thankfully. Yes to anosognosia (new word!); he thinks he’s just forgetful. He’s still too functional to be forced into treatment or anything he doesn’t want to do, but he’s losing ground. We’re in some kind of in-between stage I guess. I’ll spend time reading the other threads in this site. SO helpful! I appreciate you all.

M1

Read your POA papers. Hopefully it is durable and not "springing" where he has to be declared incompetent- those are very difficult. If it is durable the bank needs to have a copy now and he should not be able to manipulate the funds. you can also freeze his credit at all three agencies so that he can't get new credit cards you don't know about. And if The poa is not springing, then yes, you can force him into treatment, if he is a threat to himself and others. It's going to take guts to do it, but your safety and his are top priority.

The friends may need to act to get the weapons away from the cabin.

mrahope

Hello, there. I just would like to emphasize the "springing" vs "non-springing" issue can be huge. We finally did find doctors to do the paperwork needed to place my DH in MC, but it was not easy, as his PCP was opposed to this. It's worth a check in with your attorney to understand this difference. Also, cars and weapons being accessible sounds like a situation you might need to look into urgently. Does anyone in the area of the cabin do "welfare checks" on those who live alone? I've lived in places where you can call the non-emergency number and have that done. Worth investigating, at any rate.

PKidd

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/70298/dh-seems-to-hate-me-now

I don't have any legal advice to give but I do understand the part about him thinking you are too controlling. My DH thinks the same of me but he is so physically frail that he needs me to help him. It's hard to go from the person they love the most to them being angry with you, back and forth, many times a day! It's a roller coaster. Your right about phases. Hang in there!

CampCarol

“I am his curse”. That’s what he said on the way home from his aqua therapy session last night: “I am his curse, and he is in an endless scream”.  This was followed by how much he loathes me because I make his life miserable.  He hates our house, our neighborhood, his doctors and life in general. He says “he’ll miss me” as he threatens multiple times a week to kick me out, move somewhere else himself or divorce me, even though he no longer drives or even knows how to dial a phone. It’s incredibly hard, and I feel for you. Remember there are others here who can completely understand what you’re going through. Keep the faith!

HollyBerry

Welcome, GSkinner. I have nothing real to offer other than empathy, because I've heard some of the same things ("you're trying to take control of my life! You're not in charge of me! I should just move out of here and get my own place where I can do what I want!" and more). On the advice of a poster here, I mentioned to her provider how often these angry days/hours were happening and they adjusted two medications. It seems to have helped - fingers crossed. This probably isn't relevant if you don't have a way to make sure he takes the meds he needs, but thought I'd throw it out for anyone else who's reading.

housefinch

I would be very worried that he could be a threat or danger to other people, and not just to you. Based on your description. You may be underestimating the level of danger here.

Iris L.

Regarding "being controlling". I get the sense that family members are trying to deal with situations by saying "no" a lot and by asking a lot of unanswerable questions. Your PWD doesn't know his own mind, so he cannot answer questions in a way that makes sense. Since they have anosognosia, their actions may often be unsafe and need to be thwarted. This is where saying "no" a lot comes in.

The solution is to learn a new way of communicating that involves validating the feelings, and taking steps in the background so that the PWD is unaware of the steps. Avoid saying "I told you so" when they mess up. They don't know why they are messing up. They need to feel that you are on their side.

Iris

jfkoc

Iris, always helpful.

Your husband obviously feels "controlled". That is important. See what you can do to lessen this for him.

HollyBerry

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/219541#Comment_219541

Good reminder, thanks. My goal for the weekend: lessen the impression that I am in control, while remaining in control of the things I can… control.

GSkinner

I feel so bad for those of you who are also dealing with negative or hostile LOs every day. I send my empathy back to you! Truthfully too, it’s a relief to know it’s not just me and maybe I’m not a horrible person after all. My DH is starting to soften his determination to stay away from home and is talking to me again now, but this will happen again. I’ve psid attention to the advice and comments you’ve all posted and I’ll be better prepared to get out in front of it next time. And I’ll start getting plans in place for crisis situations.

Elshack

I'm confused re: your medical provider thinking his behavior doesn'r warrant medication. I don't think this is just " cranky " behavior. Maybe you can revisit this with the Dr and see if meds are an option.

GSkinner

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/219587#Comment_219587

I think I better follow up and see what the dr. suggests, since DH’s behaviors are relatively new and probably not known to them. DH is very good at masking his negative demeanor to people outside the family. Previously, the Dr. referred me to a non-existent “support team”, which passed me off to county government, who sent me an email with links I could try. One of the links was ALZ. org. (thankfully).

M1

Gskinner i would put your concerns for the docs in writing and as detailed as you can possibly make it, including his animosity towards you any concerns about weapons. You might even send videos or recordings of him in unguarded moments. There's a name for that ability to mask their impairment for short periods, it's called showtiming.

GSkinner

Thank you M1. In writing is probably the way I will have to go because if I enter any comments in his MyChart account he can read them. And if I enter anything about him in MY MyChart page, the doctor’s office gets upset because they aren’t allowed to discuss him outside of his account. Writing creates a more durable record anyway. And re: “showtiming”! Another new word, and so descriptive. 👍

GSkinner

Dementia is so weird! My mom had it and I thought that prepared me for DH, but no. Last week he hated me, hated the house, and just wanted to be left alone in the mountains. Then he came back for a day, had a great time and said he really likes being with me - so long as he can get back to the cabin asap. What a roller coaster. I don’t assume that things will stay this rosy for long so I’m moving forward with doctor and lawyer conversations, securing his guns and figuring out how to get him out of the driver’s seat. Thanks for letting me rant a bit!!