spouse aggression

cadbury538

A year and a half ago my DH was diagnosed with MCI (vascular), Two weeks ago my DH started screaming at me saying he didn't want to live here anymore, I didn't care about him. He screamed he was looking at NH, Maine, WY, SC, etc. I thought he was just blowing off steam but then I found detailed "to do" lists of selling the property, places to live in other states. Now he has navigated getting on a flight, renting a car and going to visit places. I don't know if this is from his MCI or unrelated to it and something else. His executive functioning seems to be intact bc he is maintaining his activities of daily living, making lists, making plans. So I don't know how to respond to this. I have contacted his neurologist and they are reviewing things. They had a social worker contact me which has been helpful for me. In the little communication I have had with him, he is acting like nothing has happened. Can anyone help me put this into persective? Do I just act like everything is ok. Is he accountable for his behavior? TIA

M1

Welcome to the forum. Irritability and anger are common as their abilities start to lag, and it's a dangerous time. We spouses are the safe targets. Glad that you contacted his doc, as medication may help.

Scary that he can still book a flight. I don't think at all that you should let him go, but you may have to be careful how to stop him: can you cancel it surreptitiously? Can you "lose" his credit card? This is probably a signal that he should no longer have unsupervised access. But you have to be crafty how you do it, and feign ignorance. Not easy, and it's counterintuitive to lie to your spouse. He probably has anosognosia and thinks he's fine.

LLet us know what happens. You've come to a good place for advice and support.

PPs: do you hold durable power of attorney? You're going to need it.

cadbury538

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/219702#Comment_219702

Thank you for your response. I do have POA and I have contacted our financial advisor and attorney. He has been so functional that this has really blindsided me. I thought if this was MCI I would start seeing confusion and difficulty planning. He is very high functioning. Before he blew up he had stopped eating with me (but fixed his own meals) and stopped talking to me. If I tried to talk with him, he just blew up again. Before he took off he left me a note that said sorry things had to come to this and that he took his anger and pain out on me. This is just so bizarre. Part of it seems like he knows exactly what he is doing. I have no idea how to relate to him when he comes back. I fluctuate between anger and tears.

M1

Very tough. Is he a suicide risk? I'd worry about it.

mrahope

Hello. Glad you've reached out for help. It's good that you are the POA. I will tell you that this sounds very familiar. My DH even managed to access his bank account and change passwords without a debit card from MC! In many respects, I found his cognition to be like a lightbulb about to go out that flashes often, but shines brightly during those times. He also had a pattern of screaming at me and then apologizing. I, too, had difficulty knowing how to relate and often kept my conversation to neutral topics (whatever that is for you) and otherwise just listened until he kinda "burnt out" of his anger and agitation. If you are a crafter or have small tasks to do while you let this happen, I recommend it. I used to knit or fold laundry while he vented everything on me. It sucks, but these were some of my coping mechanisms. YMMV

midge333

How long have you been married? Is your POA durable or springing? Do you have family nearby?

sfrsythe

oh I just want to give you a big hug and tell you you’re wonderful! My husband is very high functioning too and sometimes it get confusing but when I told the psychiatrist about some odd things he put him on medication and boy has it been wonderful! I felt as if I was losing my mind. Please know his behavior is not normal and he needs some med adjustments to calm down.. please do whatever you need to do to take care of you!❤️

Jean loves wildlife

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/70317/spouse-aggression

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/70317/spouse-aggression

Oh no. This sounds quite disturbing, and my heart goes out to you. My DH is a bit beyond the "mild" cognitive impairment stage but has made similar threats when he gets upset (luckily not often) - saying I don't care about him, we should get a divorce, he should move to live elsewhere, maybe he'll take the RV or go live in our cabin in the mountains. Sounds like you have done all the right things, you have POA and have contacted doc, social worker, financial advisor and attorney. I hope and pray with their help you will find a solution. In my case DH forgets these threats, and he does not have the cognitive ability to follow through. But the threats alone are disturbing. I'm not a doctor but I feel sure the threats are part of the MCI. Praying for you, and that he doesn't try to follow through.

CampCarol

@Mrahope above hit the nail on the head with her analogy of a lightbulb that flashes often! My husband can be incredibly lucid at times…talking/yelling about moving away, finding a “real” caregiver who “knows what they’re doing”, etc. This happens at least weekly. I have found that trying (and it’s hard!) to be as non-committal as possible, just nodding and vaguely agreeing to help if needed is the best course of action. If I could get him on some meds I would, but he refuses to take them and I have been unsuccessful to date in sneaking them to him. Hang in there and know you’re not alone!

Jean loves wildlife

@CampCarol and @Mrahope - seconding the thought that you are not alone! I too have found the best response when he flares up is to be non-committal, don't argue, vaguely agree without saying anything definitive, etc. This is all so hard. Glad you have professionals you are consulting. We all need to do whatever we can for ourselves so that we don't go crazy.

jfkoc

Any/all abrupt change in behavior warrants an official test for am UTI.

Jean is spot on in her comments. I will add that it can help to read between the lines (actions) to see what may be going on in your husbands mind. Often times it is fear.

Please keep us in the loop…

cadbury538

Thank you everyone for your encouraging and kind words. He had been doing so well, I had hoped nothing would progress further. The most confusing part has been his ability to act normal around others and to still function so well. The hard part is I just don't know when he is thinking clearly and when he is not. He seems to do or say things that he knows are upsetting. I am trying to not take things personally. Thank you again.

SDianeL

So sorry you are going through this. Please read the book "The 36 Hour Day" which helped me after my DH's diagnosis. Please assume that he is NEVER thinking clearly with a diagnosis of MCI. You cannot reason with someone whose reasoner is broken. He can't reason that what he says is upsetting. He's having delusions. They can occur in people with MCI. It's not him talking it's the disease. He knows he's losing control & is angry and afraid. He takes it out on you as his primary caregiver. Get his doctor to prescribe something. I told my DH that the new pill was for his brain. He gladly took it. Same when we had to add Risperidone for hallucinations. Told him his doctor wanted for him to take it for his brain. Don't talk about his disease or what the medications are for. I didn't use the term "Neurologist" I just said "your doctor" — Stop his ability to plan on the internet. Lock down credit & debit cards. Change passwords. Don't try to argue or reason with him. It only makes things worse. Learn to fib. This is a heartbreaking & terrifying disease. The more you know the better. Please keep us posted. This is the place for info & support.

Iris L.

This does not sound like vascular MCI to me, because he is too functional. Vascular dementia causes loss of executive functioning. Did he actually book a flight and go to another state?

Iris