My DW changes moods

Rvk

Every week I take my DW to a local "equine therapy" farm because of her love of horses. When we arrive, she often grumbles that "I'm not getting out of the car!" or "I don't feel good. I'm going to stay right here!" And so I reply by saying, "Okay, we'll sit here for a while." Yesterday when the same worker we see every week approached the car, the worker was all smiles, "Well there's my friend [name]. I'm so glad to see you because I need your help with a horse." My DW changes to all smiles and happily gets out of the car, hugs the worker and together they head for the arena for a delightful hour of laughter, walking better than she has all day, working with the horse. Same thing happened when we went to a family cookout: grumbling and refusing to get out of the car until someone came and greeted her with a smile and a welcome. What's with the sudden transformation? It's great to see, but I'd like to understand her behavior better

M1

Welcome to the forum. There's a name for this, It's called showtiming. The presence of relative strangers causes people with dementia to put forth their best efforts and they can minimize their deficits for a period of time. It's similar to toddlers behaving better for others and saving their worst behavior for their parents, who are safe targets. Glad she hasxa good time once she gets started.

harshedbuzz

@Rvk

Hi and welcome. I am sorry for your reason to be here but pleased you found this place.

In addition to the showtiming that @M1 mentioned, it's important to remember that emotional intelligence persists well into the later stages of the disease. Reading and reacting to your emotions is like a superpower for PWD. If you were showing momentary frustration or even boredom with the situation, she is very likely picking up on that.

Mom had trouble maintaining her game face with dad as he would just wear her down, she learned to leave the room for a minute or so and come back with a smile and effusive greeting which would get dad back on track. I wonder what would have happened if you got out and walked around to the passenger side and turned on the charm.

BTW, equine therapy for dementia is such an amazing idea. I've seen the good it does for kids with developmental and behavioral concerns firsthand.

HB

Rvk

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/220023#Comment_220023

This makes perfect sense. Thank you

Rvk

Thank you HB. I'll try and keep this in mind. And, yes, the equine therapy is a real gift on more than one level! Brings smiles every time to my face, and to family members when I share photos & videos.

Denise1847

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/70350/my-dw-changes-moods

I find that my DH's thought process is so limited to minute by minute; therefore, if a distraction comes along, he will react differently to a new stimulus. It redirects them. Maybe that is part of it.

Iris L.

PWD cannot think if…, then… Meaning, they cannot think, if I get out of the car and play with the horses, then I will enjoy myself. They cannot conceptualize the future in their minds. And they forget the last visit that was enjoyed. But when the worker greets them, they can respond in the moment.

Iris

Vitruvius

Before I needed to place my DW, I would take her to a daycare program. This is exactly the response I often got until one of the trained program aides would come to the car and coax her out. She would then participate as fully as she was able and reportedly had a great time.

I came to understand it was her unwillingness to leave her comfort zone. Although her actions and responses were that of someone being difficult, she really didn’t want to leave the familiarity of me, our house, our car, our routine. Rather than pleasantly say she would rather stay with me, she instead acted just like your DW. I never found any other way around this other than to have the help of the program aides.

jfkoc

maybe your getting out of the car would work also

Vitruvius

In response to jfkoc's comment I will note that I always got out of the car, came around and opened her door with the intention of escorting her to the day care, and this worked about half the time. Others times she would not get out. This is when an aide would see I was having trouble and coax her out with a good deal of enthusiasm about the fun things they were going to do. The aides were posted outside to assist like this as I was not the only one with this problem. Again I think it was the change in routine caused the issue.

Rvk

Thanks to both of you. I've done that, with success (so far). And the Horse Farm volunteer saw what was happening and came over, as did a niece at the cookout she hosted. Both times the transformation in my DW was dramatic and immediate.

Quilting brings calm

part of it is showtiming. Part of it is why the redirect concept is suggested so often. Redirect is the human equivalent of ‘SQUIRREL’, due to the short attention span. I don’t mean to insult anyone’s loved one with that comparison.

CampCarol

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/220191#Comment_220191

”SQUIRREL’ just made me laugh out loud. TY, I needed that today and will remember it next time I’m in that situation! 😀

l7pla1w2

Here's another thought. My DW desperately wants to feel useful, but it's hard for me to provide her with suitable activities. When I'm able to get her to a day program, the staff try to solicit her help, and that seems to keep her engaged. I can imagine your DW reacts positively to the request for help.

Rvk

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/220222#Comment_220222

you're right — that's often what happens at the horse farm. A volunteer - the same on every week - came to the car with a big grin and said she was glad to see her & needed her help with the horses.