My watch over dad has ended and it feels so empty

TrumpetSwan

My dad took his last breath in this life just yesterday. He was 89 years old. He and mom, who has dementia and is in memory care, were married 65 years. I moved both to an ALF about four months ago. I think my timing turned out to be just about right.

I thought the world would look different without my dad in it, but it is just humming along like always. People are going about their lives just like they did the day before.

I am partly numb and partly overcome with waves of grief. I guess that is normal. I know I am going to process this for the rest of my life.

What immediately is most noticeable is how much my thoughts were occupied by him and my mom. Even if I was not physically doing something for them, I would be out doing something else and notice an item they could use, or some thought would pop in my head about a solution to whatever they were currently struggling with. They never directly asked me for anything though. It was just sort of always on the back burner in my mind.

These last 24 hours it catches me by surprise at how routine it had become because I still have these thoughts, then realize it is no longer needed. It feels empty and quiet. It is not a relief, like I thought it might be. It is just nothing.

My mom is now a widow. She has awareness of the loss, but keeps asking if it was some longtime friends of theirs who died. It was heartbreaking to see her sitting alone at the cafeteria today and I know exactly what she has lost. We do not even have the comfort of shared grief.

I was increasingly more active with caregiving for them in the last year, as I was seeing the wheels fall off and my concerns for their wellbeing increased. Even after they moved to the ALF, there seemed to still be issues popping up non-stop as they acclimated. It was sort of like spinning a wheel tighter and tighter until it just falls off and stops.

I did not realize how much of my life was occupied by them, even if just in my mind, until just today. Now, I do not know what to do with that space.

Has anyone felt similar? Is this normal?

harshedbuzz

@TrumpetSwan

I am so sorry for the loss of your dear dad.

I think what you described, so eloquently, is familiar to many. I don't think we realize how much scaffolding we do even when a LO is in a facility.

After dad died, I felt on edge as if there was something I was meant to be doing for a long time. I also found my mom needed more attention as a widow than she did as a caregiver, so the weight of my mental load didn't change much from when they were two.

HB

M1

I too am sorry for your loss. My dad was my supportive parent and for months after he died I’d want to pick up the phone and call him. What you’re feeling is totally normal.

hiya

I’m so sorry for your loss. My Dad passed from VD several years ago. It takes a while to process everything and adjust. Now when I think of my Dad, which is often, I remember him happy and smiling. Hang in there. Hugs

SusanB-dil

So sorry for your loss. I know you are a blessing to your folks.

Yes, what you are experiencing is normal, and the grief will ebb and flow. Eventually - you will feel better, even through some moments of special memories months and years later. Meanwhile, do be kind to yourself.

We hadn't realized how much my dad was scaffolding mom until we lost him. As your folks, it was just weeks from their 65th anniversary.

JeriLynn66

I'm so sorry for the loss of your Father. Peace be with you.

Jeri Lynn

Jgirl57

Sorry for your loss and thank you for sharing you thoughts and feelings with us here. Anyone who followed your journey knows what ups and downs you experienced. Peace to you and your family.

GothicGremlin

I'm sorry about your dad, @TrumpetSwan .

We provide a lot of scaffolding for our loved ones with dementia. I also experienced what you just described - my sister was always in the back of my mind, no matter what I was doing. Those thoughts take up a lot of space. It took me awhile after she passed away to remind myself that I could let all of that go. It may take a little while "to fill up that space." And that's okay. So yeah, I think this is normal.

midge333

I am sorry for your loss.

TrumpetSwan

Thank you everyone. It helps to know what I am feeling is just part of the journey. Blessings to all here.

Phoenix1966

My thoughts are with you and your mother.

SDianeL

so sorry for your loss. My husband passed August 12. I know what you’re feeling. Yes it’s normal. Allow yourself time to grieve. I also understand about not being able to be comforted for your shared grief. My sister also has Dementia and I wish I could talk to her about my husband passing. Hugs.

forbarbara

Your description of the world just humming along is exactly right. Grief is grief no matter how we lose our loved ones. And I think once the weight of caregiving is lifted, it takes a long time to get used to the lightness. Wishing you sweet memories, peace and strength as you help your mother on her journey.

ronda b

So sorry for your loss. So hard weather it's expected or not. When I lost mine it was 3 months apart. Still remember how much emptiness there was and time. One day at a time.

ButterflyWings

@TrumpetSwan My sincere condolences on your dad’s passing. He is finally at peace. May you be, as well.

MN Chickadee

I'm very sorry for your loss. You are so right - the mental space that caregiving takes up, no matter where your LO lives, is immense. I had no idea how much it took until after mom died and the dust had settled. It was a huge void (and later, a huge opportunity to be able to fill it with new things.) I still have my father living, and in his mid 80s is now taking much of that mental load even without dementia. The years of elder care are so demanding. It will take time to adjust, and you are right that we process it the rest of our life. It will forever shape you.

Anonymousjpl123

I am so sorry for your loss. I think it is totally normal. It will take you a while to get your bearings. This is different than other types of losses because of the incredible mental stress of caregiving. May you have some time to grieve your dad, and some easier days.

eaglemom

I am so sorry for the loss of your dad. I think what you describe is spot on. Your days won't be easier but rather just very different. You will find a new path, but this all takes time. Your stress level has been on overdrive for quite awhile, it will be a bit but you have to be kind to yourself.

We are here to help you along this journey.

eagle

TrumpetSwan

Thanks again to everyone. I will give myself time and space. I got back to work this week, which gave me some familiar routine.

I have visited my mother, now in memory care, every day. I just wanted to know she was adjusting, and it seems that slowly she is. She has days where she is very clear that dad died, then others where she asks what happened to him. It is hard to have to deal with her distress on top of everything else.

I am likely going to back off seeing mom for a bit and refocus on myself and just take it one day at a time. Thanks.

MoniqueV2024

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/70433/my-watch-over-dad-has-ended-and-it-feels-so-empty

thank you for this: “It was sort of like spinning a wheel tighter and tighter until it just falls off and stops.”

and thank you for all that you did as the ultimate gift and sacrifice for your parents.

your dad passing will stick with you the rest of your life. My only real advice that helped me and others I’ve known who’ve dealt with this - stay hydrated. It’s easy to forget to drink water and eat a little something when you are numb and in the fog of loss like this. Stay hydrated and be gentle with yourself. It’s all you can do right now.

And keep sharing in places like this forum. You are surrounded by people who care for you, near and far.

Russinator

I am sorry for your loss. Please be kind to yourself.

TrumpetSwan

Thank you, Monique and Russ. Thank you for acknowledging my efforts toward my dad and mom too.

I really believe I have been recovering from PTSD after my dad died. I am slowly starting to get back to my baseline, but I still have days and moments of grief that surprise me.

It was the experience of seeing dad's decline for the last months knowing I could do nothing to prevent it and he did not have his wife to lean on for support. It was knowing my mom's dementia meant she was losing her protector and guardian and the future is now all new territory for which she will need so much support. It is knowing my dad hated to leave her in that condition. It is having a sibling, but that sibling has betrayed trust in nearly every aspect. It is not having anyone I could walk this path with or just sit and share a hot coffee with and see a look of understanding across the table.

Thank you again. You have been my lifeline and 'virtual family'. Blessings to you all.