My watch over dad has ended and it feels so empty
My dad took his last breath in this life just yesterday. He was 89 years old. He and mom, who has dementia and is in memory care, were married 65 years. I moved both to an ALF about four months ago. I think my timing turned out to be just about right.
I thought the world would look different without my dad in it, but it is just humming along like always. People are going about their lives just like they did the day before.
I am partly numb and partly overcome with waves of grief. I guess that is normal. I know I am going to process this for the rest of my life.
What immediately is most noticeable is how much my thoughts were occupied by him and my mom. Even if I was not physically doing something for them, I would be out doing something else and notice an item they could use, or some thought would pop in my head about a solution to whatever they were currently struggling with. They never directly asked me for anything though. It was just sort of always on the back burner in my mind.
These last 24 hours it catches me by surprise at how routine it had become because I still have these thoughts, then realize it is no longer needed. It feels empty and quiet. It is not a relief, like I thought it might be. It is just nothing.
My mom is now a widow. She has awareness of the loss, but keeps asking if it was some longtime friends of theirs who died. It was heartbreaking to see her sitting alone at the cafeteria today and I know exactly what she has lost. We do not even have the comfort of shared grief.
I was increasingly more active with caregiving for them in the last year, as I was seeing the wheels fall off and my concerns for their wellbeing increased. Even after they moved to the ALF, there seemed to still be issues popping up non-stop as they acclimated. It was sort of like spinning a wheel tighter and tighter until it just falls off and stops.
I did not realize how much of my life was occupied by them, even if just in my mind, until just today. Now, I do not know what to do with that space.
Has anyone felt similar? Is this normal?