First MC Visit

Dunno

I haven't been to visit my wife since placing her in the memory care facility on the 22nd. The thought of seeing her fills me with dread. I'm worried about how we'll both handle the emotions, and I fear she might think I'm there to take her home, which would cause her unnecessary pain.

The activity director and the rest of the staff have been wonderful. The director has sent me daily photos of my wife interacting with other residents and enjoying the activities. I'm so grateful for that. Seeing the photos helps me believe that she's better off and that I made the right decision to place her.

Coming to terms with the reality that this is likely where she'll spend the rest of her life is overwhelming. Gut wrenching….

I hope @PRC is hanging in there. The despair can feel overwhelming sometimes. But as he said, things might be better six months from now. Hang in there, fmb.

Arrowhead

I was told that my wife had a difficult time realizing which room was hers. Otherwise, she seemed to adjust well to it.

SDianeL

when you visit try to keep it positive. When you get ready to leave, don’t say goodbye. Just leave. I found the best time to leave was at meal time. Make up a fib if you must. If she asks to go home, tell her she can go home when the doctors say it’s OK or tell her you’re having work done at home. She won’t remember what you say. Yes it’s difficult to go visit. You’re not going for her, you’re going for you. Hugs.

Dunno

You’re right! It won’t matter at all ten minutes after I leave if I was there or not. This is more about me, just like you said.

Joe C.

Maybe try visiting the first time during at an activity so there is a built in distraction and she may not be solely focused on you. Another fiblet you can try when your ready to leave is that you need to use the bathroom then just slip out.

Jo C.

Good suggestions have been given. It can sometimes be harder on us than on our LOs. Guilt and regret continue to tap dance on our heads.

Adjustment does not come instantly for many of us, time is indeed a healer. I frequently brought something for my LO whether a small treat or little item that could be enjoyed. That actually made me feel better. Other times, I took my LO for a little walk outside on the grounds and also on some occasions attended activities that were being provided. At least I felt that I could share that as a small caring dynamic. In time, I realized that was more for my comfort than it was for my LO who did not seem to place high value on it.

We each find our place in the midst of it all. For me, it was not easy and initially I found myself crying while driving home after the first few visits. However; that dynamic soon passed as I adjusted and also being able to not feel such guilt which was not warranted but still popped up anyway. Regret perhaps, but not guilt.

Tincture of time and loving visits and perhaps even joining in with an activity when you can, and keeping an open and good relationship with staff can be helpful.

J.

midge333

@Jo C. "Regret perhaps, but not guilt.

That is such good advice! Thanks for sharing as I am sure many of us need to hear that today!

Dio

Dunno, I totally get it. I have only visited my DH once in the past year. That visit was traumatizing, to say the least. It was not a good visit. I was a mess afterwards. He was, too, crying to come home. I'm filled with dread each time the thought of visiting comes up. It begs the question, who benefits from a visit? My answer is: neither of us. My therapist advised me not to feel guilty, that I am doing the very best by providing DH the best of care, that just because I don't visit does not mean I don't care. Changing this frame of mind helps a little. Someday I may be brave enough to visit. But for now, I need to stay put.

Dunno

Dio..My chest pounds at the thought of going. I'm not ready yet. It's unbelievable that I'm afraid to go.

I get it too, this is about me, and she's in good hands. Now daize it probably doesn't matter to her one way or another.

tryingtodurvive

after I placed my DH I waited the suggested 2 weeks. The director worked with me for my first visit with guidance and suggestions. It went better than I had even prayed for. I think he really is enjoying his new home and seems more peaceful and happy than he was at home. I e been three times in the last week and all 3 visits have been quite pleasant. He’s been so loving but has not even mentioned going home. I’m not sure who he thinks I am but it doesn’t matter he tells me he loves me over and over and thanks me for coming to see him. He does have a special female friend that I believe is helping matters and I am over the top pleased. Maybe have an open mind and it will go better than your expecting.

mrahope

I really appreciate this thread and the idea that the visits are for the (former) caregiver rather than the PWD. I haven't visited since we found out (from his computer) some of the terrible things that my DH did over many years. I was horrified and still can't abide the thought of seeing him two months later. Nevertheless, guilt still dogs my steps sometimes, so it's good to be reminded that I'm probably not missed.

White Crane

My DH has been in MC since January and I visit him two or three times a week. My first visit was the day after placement. I had taken some clothes for him since he went straight from the hospital to MC. I wasn't going to visit him but the administrator urged me to and assured me he was doing well. Thankfully, a dear friend had come with me and she held my hand as we approached the unit. I was shaking so much my teeth were chattering! To my relief, when he saw us, he broke into a smile and began waving to us. It went well and I was so glad I went. The first visit is scary but I hope you go.

M1

Like Nowhere, I can testify to how this can change over time and with the disease progression. The first year of MC I could hardly visit because I was such a trigger to her, and I could never go alone. Now in our third year and second facility, I’m there every day.

Dio

My not visiting DH may be construed as being heartless to people unfamiliar with this disease. But they can't begin to comprehend what I had gone through, or anyone of us who has cared for, is caring for, our LO with this disease. I was with him every single day/hour/second that was allowed (visiting was limited then due to post Covid) during his 2-week hospital stay at the onset of this rabbit hole 3 years ago, long before he got an accurate diagnosis. Hospital staff had to "kick" me out, although a few compassionate ones turned the other cheek and had allowed me to stay longer. His stay at MCF now is different. Regardless of why I don't visit now, I've concluded that I don't owe anyone any explanations unless they have walked in my footsteps. I do plan to visit soon. His appointment with the neurologist is coming up, and I can't begin to describe the dread. Although I've asked our friend to accompany me, the dread is still unrelenting. I do hope I can visit without feeling this dread. I'm just not that strong anymore.

M1

Dio: maybe he doesn't need to go to the neurologist?

Dunno

Dio, ..my son and daughter have been very supportive of my decision to place my wife in a MC. In fact, they've said I should have done this sooner, and I can see their point. She's receiving professional care and a better quality of life…. as far as dealing with critics..I don't have the energy to deal with them right now or their judgment. My daughter and especially my son's support are what matter most to me.

I was surprised to hear M1 say he was reluctant to visit for the first year due to being a trigger. This is one of my biggest concerns. Identifying triggers i think might be intuitive. I believe the MC environment fosters a more stress-free, trigger-less lifestyle. I hate to say it, but I think my presence puts pressure on her to perform, at the MC, there are no expectations, and I think she may appreciate that and feels more comfortable. all that is mere speculation though ….

In any case, I think I'll gather my courage and visit her this week and see how it goes. Thank you all for your feedback!

Dio

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/221353#Comment_221353

If only…sigh…I wish we could skip. But his neurologist won't renew his meds without a visit. It has been 2 yrs since he last saw the doctor, so I understand why the neurologist wants a hookup. I don't have to take DH into the dr's office. It'll be via Telehealth. Still, I hope seeing the dr won't be a trigger. I know I am definitely a trigger, which is one of the reasons I've been staying away.

Dio

Dunno, good luck if you do visit!

M1

I would ask about a facility doc who might be able to prescribe? Seems ludicrous to put you both through that unnecessarily.

Dunno

Well, I made my first visit, and it went better than I could have asked. After lunch, we sat in the courtyard enjoying the great weather. She put her head on my chest, and we sat quietly holding each other’s hands. I remember someone said on here that they may not know you anymore, but they know they love you.

thank you all for your comments and suggestions.

Jeanne C.

I'm relieved for you, Dunno.

M1

So glad....now you can move forward.

fmb

Dunno, I'm so glad for you that the visit went so well.

midge333

Great news!

Dio

Dunno,

Great news! How was she when you were leaving/left?

SDianeL

so glad it went well.

Dunno

Rio, I don’t think she understood I was leaving.

Beachfan

Dunno,

You wrote “They may not know you anymore, but they know they love you.” Reminds me of preparing my granddaughter for her first MC visit with her beloved “pop”. I explained that he might not know who she was, and she said, “That’s okay; he’ll remember me in his heart.” Somehow, this sentiment reached the creator of greeting cards and with my permission, the card below was created as a card for caregiver support. She was so proud!
I’m glad your first visit went well. You will treasure these times one day.

Jgirl57

Dunno, glad to hear the visit went well. Beachfan : that card is so very special .

Dunno

Beachfan, this card is special. It brought back a memory of when my youngest granddaughter wrote in my birthday card when she was about ten years old. She wrote, “Papa, I’ll always love you.” She’s 17 now, drives, and has a boyfriend,..we don’t see each other as much as I would like, but thats just the way it is…

addy103

I just placed my husband (68) in MC due to aggression. Once his drivers' license was taken away, his aggression got much worse. I was barricading my doors and sleeping in the closet. He has not adjusted well and is getting aggressive with the staff. I've been forced to pay for a 1-1 aide for 8 hours a day on top of MC. this can't last long. Not sure what to do. I can't bring him home. It's not safe.