New diagnosis- she won’t accept it

chrisjoy

Stepmom just got a diagnosis of moderate dementia, likely due to Alzheimer’s. Dad has Parkinson’s but is still able to do most things independently and is still pretty sharp mentally. We saw stepmom starting to shift mentally (memory, behavior, moods) 2 years ago but explained it away for some time, and she has been in complete denial the entire time- getting angry and saying we are the ones who are forgetting things, or saying we don’t tell her anything (because she doesn’t remember that we’ve actually spoken about the thing multiple times). The neuropsychologist actually suggested she needs skilled care and she needs to stop driving. Her response is, “F____ that- I was just tired so not as sharp as usual”

I have no idea what to do. Dad is worried and one other sibling (her son from a former relationship) has a chaotic life and not only helps very little but drops his young son off for overnights with them. He’s legally her POA but I don’t think he knows what that means and likely has no idea how to do any of the things she needs done.

Not sure what to do next…we can’t even get her to believe there’s a problem?

towhee

Hello Chrisjoy, welcome to the alzconnected forum.

You have a lot of moving parts here. Some basic info might be helpful. One problem you ask about in your post is "denial". It is not denial it is anosognosia. Try this link -

How To Convince Someone With Dementia They Need Help (youtube.com)

Also, look under "Groups" for one called "New Caregiver Help", there are a lot of resources there.

M1

Welcome to the forum. Towhee is spot on, you are never going to convince her that there's a problem and should stop arguing with her, you just have to take steps to ensure her safety without expecting her consent. It's very hard, and complicated by the POA in your case. Talk to a certified elder law attorney right away about whether and how it can be changed (look at nelf.org for names). Her son may not want this responsibility and may gladly cede it. Given your dad's poor health it is not too soon to think about memory care or assisted living, but the poa will likely be needed for that.

Regarding the car, disable or remove it. You're going to get adept at telling fiblets- there was a recall, it's in the shop for repairs, waiting on a part, supply chain issues, etc. If she continues to drive when she's been told not to they could be sued for everything they have. Inform their insurance company and DMV and have her license revoked, but most importantly, take the keys and disable the vehicle.

So sorry you are facing this, but there's a wealth of good people and information here that can help.

H1235

This is tough with aDPOA that is not up for the job. Could you and you dad have a meeting with him? Talk about what his responsibilities are and see if he is up for it. Maybe make it sound like a lot of work( which it really is) so he would sign it over( if that’s possible). Do you know if there was a secondary DPOA listed. If not you will need to talk with a lawyer about what happens if he does not want to be DPOA. You will never convince her she can’t drive! Take her keys away, disable the car, what ever it takes. I personally would not worry about the DPOA before doing this. Don’t ask just do it! She will be very mad, sorry but it’s something you might need to get used to for a while. Give up trying to convince her she has any problems now!! It’s just going to make her and you frustrated and miserable. If she says the sky is green you say ok, she is right. The only time to really stand your ground is if it’s a matter of safety. Even then it often works better to redirect her or use a fib. For example if she wants to carry something heavy across the backyard and your worried about her falling, tell her “oh I can do that I need get in a bit of exercise” or “can you come in the house and show me where you keep the cookies/glasses/tea… dad wants a snack”. You would have to modify these to work for you and the situation. If you had the DPOA I would tell you to make what ever arrangements for her care that are necessary and bring her. If you need to tell her a fib to get her in the car or in the building so be it. If the DPOA doesn’t fight you in things and just doesn’t want to do the work you might be able to get her moved by just doing all the work and telling him when and where he need to be to sign. But that is definitely not a good setup. Good luck

chrisjoy

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/221375#Comment_221375

Thanks so much- I’ll look into these resources!

chrisjoy

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/221383#Comment_221383

Yep…this is going to be interesting. My dad is such a softie that even fibbing to her is going to feel wrong. And at times he does try to argue with her. Managing the both of them is going to feel a little like parenting my kids when they were younger. 😬

chrisjoy

Here’s the thing with her son- he’s afraid of hard things in general- so I sort of doubt he can do this. But also she has nobody who is responsible and caring who will want to do all this. And there’s a very difficult element here: she and my dad are actually divorced. He divorced her after her gambling addiction got so bad that he’d remortgaged the house two separate times; he needed to separate their finances.

But now nobody knows her financial situation. And her son has struggled with addiction, and still lives with a woman who appears to be an addict so I’m a bit worried about having him take over her finances even if he was willing. Her siblings are no better- often asking her for money or conning her out of her own money when she was in a better place mentally.

What happens in the situation where someone literally has no responsible person to care for them? 😔

M1

Hm. Are they living together, even though divorced? Or is she living on her own? It sounds like you may need to step in to separate your dad from her, as he may not have any legal standing with her at all. You may need to talk to adult protective servcies. They can appoint a guardian if the son is not suitable.

mabelgirl

my goodness Chrisjoy what a pickle your dad is in. Notice I did not say you are in. I think you and your dad need a consult with a lawyer on common law marriage and guardenship. If your step brother is an addict or enabling an addict he will certainly exploit your stepmom, I speak from experience. The addicts mindset is only focused on whatever makes them feel better. Not sure what your dad’s feeling are towards stepmom, I’m assuming both you and him care about her thus you wouldn’t be seeking advice. You may need to lodge a concern to get guardenship appointed by the court to protect her and get her somewhere safe. Hopefully you can find an ALF that has suites for spouses. Please though first disable or disappear the car. I totally understand the guilt of telling fiblets. I still sometimes struggle with doing that. My mind hears my grandmother always scolding someone for lying!

chrisjoy

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/221413#Comment_221413

They are living together- and she believes she is his caretaker, but the reverse is actually true. He has no legal standing and she has become suspicious of everything and everyone. He supports her financially- she gets some money from disability but she only spends it on some of their food and her own medical bills

M1

I agree that you need legal advice. But I think you’re going to need to plan to extricate your dad and have a guardian appointed for her.

chrisjoy

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/221419#Comment_221419

Yes- my dad has the best heart ever and even though she throw him under the proverbial bus at every turn and even yells and swears at him, he is committed to caring for her the best way possible.

I agree with you about the addiction mess. Ugh. This is just going to be so hard. 😔

Quilting brings calm

Are you willing to step up and be her POA or guardian? Guardian involves court appointment and oversight. She will fight that tooth and mail since she doesn’t recognize her actual cognitive state.

Sibce they are divorced, get all your Dad’s legal and financial stuff lined out. A POA for him( it can’t be her), his beneficiaries named, a will, etc, her name off all his accounts, etc. Talk to an elder care attorney to make sure he doesn’t get pulled into financial responsibility.

If you are willing for them to be in the same AL apartment, start that process. You can approach her by saying Dad needs to go and there is a place for her there. That it will make her life easier because staff will take over his care and she can go back to bring his significant other. Note: some ALs charge less for the second person in an apartment than for the first person. Others split the cost in half.
Oops - just saw that the doctor recommended skilled care - so she will need MC rather than AL. Unless you can get POA or guardianship, her son will need to do that since he is POA. If the house is your dad’s, you may need to go through an eviction process which will leave her no place to live - and that can be the basis for her son putting her into MC whether she likes it or not.

It’s sad, but your responsibility is to your dad. Her son’s is to her. Again, unless you want to step up and be responsible for her. I wouldn’t recommend that with her attitude

FYI- it’s possible the gambling addiction coujd have been the first sign of mild cognitive impairment ( or she could just really have been a gambling addict).

terei

Good advice above. If you do not know anything about her financial situation, you do NOT want to be DPOA anyway. It could put you in a place where YOU are responsible for liabilities she may have.

I agree with talking to adult protective services in your area. They can take steps to have a guardian named who can get her into a facility

chrisjoy

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/221559#Comment_221559

Just seeing this now (I need to bookmark this site and come back regularly to check for responses or change my settings…I don’t seem to get notifications of new responses)

The situation is so difficult because dad is sincerely so averse to ticking anyone off, and she gets easily ticked off. I sincerely had to sneak him out of the house so he could add his sister as his secondary POA. His partner is suspicious of everything he does, and blames all of her symptoms on “the stress of being his caregiver” when the reverse is true: he is so stressed caring for her that his symptoms are worse for it.

Her son was unaware of the diagnosis- I told dad he had to talk with her son. Dad tried and she walked in and heard, then assured her son that the diagnosis was BS because she was really tired the day of the tests. He believed her and will do nothing even though he’s fully admitted (when she’s not around) he sees the changes in her and knows something is off.

Part of the main problem is dad’s resistance. He wants to believe the best about people but to the extreme and to his own detriment. Now it’s hard to get real help or support for either one of them. At least he had the foresight to know he had to divorce her due to the financial troubles she put them in with the gambling…but it’s only a little help. Now I can’t really help her at all since I’m not her family by blood or marriage and she’s constantly suspicious that dad and I are plotting against her. But she’s suspicious everyone is plotting against her…

Quilting brings calm

@chrisjoy

You are missing out on learning great tips if you only come to this forum every few days and only to check for new comments on your post. Come to all 3 caregiver sub forums daily, read lots of posts besides yours. There’s lot of great information and support here. The more you read and post here, the more you will feel like you’ve got a team of people supporting you.

Lucy C

As has been stated several times, you will need to contact an elder law attorney, and ask a court to appoint a professional guardian for her. You do not have to be blood-related, you do not have to request that you be named as guardian. Some attorneys will even apply for the guardianship if requested to do so, but be very careful to screen any attorneys you approach if you want to ask them to act as guardian: some are legitimate, and others much less so. A guardian has the right to be compensated for his or her time, and this is usually taken from the estate of the person who is under guardianship. (This means, to protect your dad's finances, you do not want a guardian filing for oversight of both of them.) The court can recommend and appoint a guardian on its own initiative, but a lawyer acting under your direction should make the filings requesting the court to open a case and hold a hearing.

M1

Chris it's also worth remembering that Parkinson's can also cause cognitive changes. The resistance you see in your Dad could be an early sign of this, and you may well be put in the position of having to make changes to protect him without his agreement or consent. That is always very hard but something that all of us caregivers face.

chrisjoy

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/222422#Comment_222422

We have a full neuropsychological assessment scheduled for him. I have seen some cognitive changes and am aware that those could get more pronounced over time. He is so different from his partner: he accepts that cognitive change is happening for him and almost over-exaggerates it (like he's afraid of losing cognition, so he's constantly worried he's not thinking right), while she seems to be in denial and tries to cover up slips that she is aware of. I'm not looking forward to having to take the reins from him but I know it most likely eventually get to that place.

chrisjoy

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/221383#Comment_221383

I'm finally getting back to re-reading all of my responses here, going to suggested websites, etc. I went to nelf.org and (holy cow!) there is not one certified elder attorney anywhere near my dad and stepmom and dad can't travel easily at all. I'm wondering if I can meet with one of these people all on my own, even without parents' consent?

M1

I’m guessing, but I think yes, you can. Some offer free initial consultations, and I can imagine that some might even be willing to go to your dad’s home to meet with him. It’s probably worth the consultation to get a good sense of how to handle this very difficult situation. Keep us posted.