Update on the move and my LO

JM27

Hi Everyone,

It has been just over a month and a half(about 6 weeks) since bringing my father for his visit. Which is his now home/long term stay.

He is now telling me we need to look into flights for him to go back home. He truly thinks nothing is wrong with him.

I feel like he is at the cusps of Memory Care and home. He can still do things on his own. He doesn’t need assistance walking or getting out of bed ect. He can feed himself however on his own with no one around he may or may not remeber to eat, check expiration dates ect. He does need some hygiene assistance with dentures as well as medication reminds.

The whole not knowing the day or time I understand. His continuous repetative or mixed up stories I get all sort of dementia. But he knows he does t want to be in home and he knows he wants to go back home. He isn’t aware of how long he’s been here but he does say he has been here a long time.

I have looked into adult day cares in the area and there is one that doesn’t look great. As well as he thinks he’s visit g so he would see no need to go.

We try to get him out for activities and it’s seems like an awful long way to go to eat/shopping ect. Or why did we go so far.

He’s from a small town where there is t much and driving 15 mins across town is a long way. We are in California so to drive 20-45 minutes for dinner is t long for us.

So how is he aware of those things and not others? I know it’s the dementia but it is making it really hard to continue to re direct and figure out once the season changes and holidays start what will I do or say to keep him here?

I have started to tour MC facilities and because part of how I got my LO out for the “visit” was because we were going to check out retirement homes. Took him with us the other day and he immediately shut down and had no interest. So I was doing this to try to appease him and the who retirement thing. But now know he will not be able to be any part of the facility choosing.

Suggestions please.

H1235

Since he is not aware of how much time has passed I would just keep up what you have been telling him. The passing of seasons may not be the clue to time passing that you think it would be. I think bringing him with you to check out MC is definitely not a good idea! Just do it without him. Make sure there is not a waiting list and keep that information to yourself. You may want to see if there is a AL facility with MC attached. I think most places will send someone to the your home to evaluate the level of care he needs before the move. Good luck!

M1

I think you are entirely right to find a good MC facility for him and it is not too soon. He does not have to be physically incapacitated to be ready for MC, most of the residents are still capable of some ADLs on admission.

The hard part for you is feeling a need to explain to him or provide a rationale. This is always hard, but it will get easier with time. And he may surprise you and flourish in the protected environment. I am coming more and more to realize how important that aspect of MC is.

jen ht

New to the process here, but I agree with the support that you've been offered. For instance, in July Dad was just sure that it was time to prepare for harvest here. He wanted me to take him to the farm so he could get to work. He had long, detailed lists of things needing to be done for harvest. JM27, he hasn't done that type of work for over 20 years. It's hard to grasp just how time works for their minds. Juky for sure is not harvest season though. Of course I didn't say that to him. We just planned and planned for this season's harvest aloud together and then I cried all the way home.

For my situation, brain change was definitely happening and likely to a greater degree and for a longer span of time than I was able to accept.

Wishing you well on your tours.

It helped me to think of how vulnerable Dad was in the world. He trusted anyone and wanted to help people. So he was easily manipulated. Heck, I still have to remind myself of that. There are ways when we are with them that we become a piece of the coping mechanism puzzle for them. They can seem to be more okay in the wide world than they really are because of the ways we support them. Eventually I had to be able to go back to work and to save for my own retirement and potential future care needs for me. I wasn't able to protect him enough. Even when I was under the same roof with him I couldn't be enough of a buffer between him and the scammers or between him and poor driving choices.

Anyway, I have noticed that I am able to take in examples from others' stories better sometimes. So that's why I wrote out those experiences. You may find yourself in aspects of these stories.

It is so hard. You are doing a great job. You are not alone and you can do this.

jht 💜

JM27

Hello all,

It is very hard and I do feel I need to explain to him. Like M1 was saying. I struggle with that daily.
I know I can only keep pushing forward and continue with the search for the best fit of MC for him.
I do question if I am doing the right thing and continue to remind myself I’m keeping him safe.

Thank you all for the love and support.

ESkayP

I, too, felt that my LO should be worse off than she was for me to consider AL, let alone an MC facility. I was perhaps just as resistant as my mother was to the idea. Mom had issues with memory and communication. She wasn't eating properly or sleeping well. She was anxious all the time about bills and scammers. She started hiding her mail. I look back on that now and wish I hadn't been in denial. Mom's PCP finally sat me down for a heart-to-heart and asked how much support I was providing. When I saw it through a professional's eyes, I realized I was doing almost everything for Mom. The PCP said that Mom should no longer drive or live alone, and I knew I couldn't keep a full-time career as a single parent and take care of my mother at the same time. It wasn't working. I was anxious all the time and ineffectual which was the hardest thing for me to admit. Mom was only vaguely agreeable to the idea of AL "some day," so I didn't take her with me to check out facilities. Instead, I took a dear friend and former colleague of my mothers to see what she thought. She asked some excellent questions that I hadn't considered and made the choice much easier for me to make. Her input was invaluable! I got my sister to come visit, and we chose a place for Mom. I can't say the transition was smooth. It was very hard on all of us, but a year later, I can confirm it was the best decision I've ever made. This may be a tough time for you, but keep coming back to the discussion boards and push on. You're doing the right thing.

JM27

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/221566#Comment_221566

Thank you so much EskayP.