Is it too early to put my DH in memory care?

Sweetfire

My DH is mid-stage six of Alzheimer’s. I’ve learned to care for him 24/7 and deal with all the issues of that stage. In the past several weeks, however, he has become verbally combative and uncompliant in certain areas where he doesn’t get his way or is asked to do something he does not want to do. He is very sweet, but he can turn on a dime to become angry, insistent, demanding, saying mean things, crying, arguing, and acting out. Some of these episodes are prolonged and by the end, I am having a meltdown and begging him to stop!

After the last episode, I decided it was time for him to go to memory care and was told a bed could be ready for him as early as 30 days. Now that a few days have passed without any new episodes, I am fighting depression because I feel like it might be too early to put him in memory care. He would be very much aware that he is not living in his own house with me and I had hoped he would be further along than this before placing him. I am sure that he would be devastated and feel like I’d abandoned him, which tears me up inside to contemplate.

Part of me would feel relieved to have him in care, but the other part would feel like I hadn’t done enough to keep him home. I’m not sure the emotional fallout would be worth it for me. I am wondering if there are some new skills I can learn in dealing with these behaviors that would allow me to live more peaceably with him when he is having an episode.

Quilting brings calm

no it’s not too early. In fact, it’s almost too late.

M1

Welcome to the forum. No, it is not at all too early, i would guesstimate that most of the residents in our facility are admitted in stage 5. The issue to watch out for is that if he becomes combative and resistant to care, he may need hospitalization and medication before or immediately after placement. I think your only option to keep him home longer might also involve medication, which you could discuss with his doctors. You do not need to feel guilty, there are many advantages to the controlled environment of a good MC facility and he may do better than you anticipate.

Sweetfire

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/222261#Comment_222261

Would you mind explaining to me why you think it is almost too late to put my DH in memory care? I know some people who keep their loved ones with them in the home until their demise. Thank you.

Vitruvius

I too was certain that my DW would be very well aware of being placed and would be devastated that I placed her. Some here have found that to be somewhat true, others like me found we underestimated the degree our spouses were cognitively compromised. My DW accepted the placement without even seeming to notice the change in environment. She never asked to come home or even suggested that she was aware that she was ever anywhere else but in the MCF.

She was however noticeably calmer and more relaxed at the MCF. I attribute this to our home being a trigger for anxiety and confusion, the surroundings of home somehow made her feel she should be doing her former routine of chores and hobbies, but she could no longer really comprehend what those were.

Even if it's "too early" it's probably only marginally so and your DH will soon require more care that requires more a lot more support for you at home, or placement. I don't think anyone here cared for the spouse until the end entirely on their own. The stories told here by those who did it mostly themselves had many posts that indicated how very hard it was for them.

For me the stress of caring 24/7 lead to a potentially fatal skin disease that required months to stabilize, which never would have been possible without her placement. So better a little too soon than a little too late, for both of you IMHO.

Quilting brings calm

Yes, loved ones often are able to stay in MC until the end, once they’ve been accepted. However, they aren’t always accepted at late stages. The other reason I said it’s almost too late is that the earlier they go, the easier it is for them to socialize with the other residents and make friends. None of that means you shouldn’t pursue placement. Your question was if it was too soon- it’s not. You definitely should - and you should do it soon. You don’t need to destroy your own mental, emotional and physical health any longer.

terei

Guard against projecting your own feelings about reactions to things onto your LO with dementia. A person whose brain is working properly may feel ‘devastated + abandoned’ if they were placed in a facility. You are assuming what his reaction is going to be based on your own normally working mind.

Innumerable posters here have been surprised at their LOs acceptance of being placed, when they were ‘sure’ that there would be a catastrophic reaction from them.

I have actually heard of very few cases (if any)where the LO was brought home because they could not adapt to AL or MC. What would you tell a friend that was having your experience to do? Compromising your own health + peace of mind will not help your LO, and it may make life easier for BOTH of you.

Shevie

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/70571/is-it-too-early-to-put-my-dh-in-memory-care

I am in the same situation right now. I have cared for him for 5 years by myself. He is so loving, as you are now dealing with these anger episodes, me too. I have decided to move forward to place my DH, it will only get worse, and could get violent. I feel just as bad as you.
I cannot reason with DH when he gets upset. Only to ignore and walk away.
You must take care of you, caregiver’s end up in poor health from burnout, exhaustion, and not taking care of themselves.
I love my DH of 48 years deeply and have all the feeling’s I could do more…. This disease progresses and you must take care of yourself

All the best. I am in the process now to speak with my Elder lawyer and put all in motion to make this decision the best I can for my best friend and love of my life.

easy23

I placed my DH in MC 5 days ago. Today was the first day I've visited and he seemed very content. I stayed 45 minutes and when it was time to leave he didn't even ask to come home with me. He was delusional as always. It's now that he's not living with me that I realize how advanced his dementia is. He is only 70 years old. He told me the people that work there are very nice to him.

Laurie1282

I have decided to place my HWA at late stage 5/early 6 as soon as a room becomes available, likely in a few weeks. He is fairly easy to care for but is starting to take off from the house and to mess with the stove, etc. I too am feeling all the feels, but I know he will be safe there and have much needed socialization.

While I am worried about his transition and how I will adjust, I am also trying to intentionally think about all the positive things that may happen too. We can't predict the future, so let's give equal think time for good outcomes too.

Sweetfire

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/222294#Comment_222294

Vitruvius, I found your story helpful and comforting. Thank you for sharing.

What stage was your DW when she was placed in MC? My DH is hyper-focused on me and tells me he loves me all the time (but, then, he's done that our whole 22-year marriage). I can't imagine he will not notice my absence when he is placed into MC. I have decided to have him placed, but I'm struggling with depression. I'm also wondering how an MC facility with one caregiver per 6 patients can give my DH the attention and care needed. How in the world do these caregivers do it?!

I'm sorry to hear about your skin disease and hope that you will be recovered soon. I deal with ME/CFS and Fibromyalgia, so my daily battle to get through my day substantially increased a few years ago when my DH's dementia began to get worse. One begins to accept new levels of exhaustion and stress as normal over time, so it is a good reminder that I need to look after what health I still have. And beyond that, if I end up with a health crisis (even for 24 hrs) I have no one to take care of my DH.

I was also encouraged when you stated that it is better to place a little too soon than a little too late. This made sense to me. God bless you as you continue on this difficult journey with your DW.

TyroneSlothrop

Sweetfire: I encourage you to move him. My DW has been in MC for almost 3 months, and she is happy there, accepted by the others, even cherished for her outgoingness, her friendliness, her energy. She leads the ball games. She is frequently engaging with others. When I visited yesterday, one of the other ladies said to me, “She is my best friend!”

The staff is quite helpful, as they should be considering the cost of the rent. It has quite changed my life and outlook, for the better.

Tyrone

BPS

For me after I moved my wife to MC I did a lot of second guessing if it was the right time, but those were my emotional feelings, when I stopped and thought about what it would be like to go back to the way it was I realize that the move was the right thing to do.

a04723

Hello - I am new to this forum - I found that I needed to see what others who were dealing with a LO with Alzheimer's were feeling. I placed my DH in memory care 6 weeks ago - he was starting to need assistance with almost all of his every day living needs. The MC unit that he was first in was very nice and open but he had a very hard time adjusting and starting declining quickly. Last week he was moved to a locked down unit due to trying to 'escape' and becoming aggressive. He still has moments of clarity which make it hard to accept the fact that he really needs to be there. You yourself will know when the time is right to place him - when you find yourself stressed daily and are emotionally and physically drained. The decision was one of the hardest that I ever made and I wanted to bring my DH home many times but I also knew that things were only going to get worse and I needed to keep him safe. It is a process and I think in ways it is harder on the caregiver themselves to place a LO as you can still comprehend the feelings of guilt and you will feel guilty. My DH still asks to come home every time I visit and cries. He is on a medication to help with anxiety and aggression that does help. Everyone always told me that I needed to remember that I too needed self-care, time and happiness and that is what I am hoping for now. Be easy on yourself and just remember that you are doing what is best for your LO no matter how hard it is.