DH wants a divorce

CatladyNW

My DH is in the advanced stages of Parkinson’s disease and dementia. He has been in assisted-living for two years, and the disease has been progressing rapidly these last months. He has had moments of clarity, but has been confused most of the time. His ability to speak has become very limited. So I was quite surprised when he called this afternoon with the help of a caregiver, and in an almost normal voice said that he’d been thinking all night and that he would like a divorce. I asked why and he said because I don’t love him anymore - or I would let him come home and live with me. I know that he is not responsible for what he says, but I am hurting. It has been eight long and difficult years, and I have done my best for him. I could not keep him safe or give him the care he needs at home. It makes me so sad that he feels that I no longer care.

Dio

So sorry you're going through this … I dread the day I get that call, too… 😥 💔 🤗

SDianeL

so sorry. It’s not him, it’s the disease. He probably doesn’t remember saying it. Keep telling him you love him. If he asks why he can’t come home, tell him the doctor wants him to stay a bit longer then change the subject. You are providing the best care possible.

housefinch

Doesn’t it seem like the staff should be redirecting and distracting him, instead of calling for him so he can say these things? Seems like they should recognize this as a manifestation of the disease and not follow through with his request.

M1

I can only imagine how much that hurt. But: I would talk to the director about this. The caregiver should not have assisted him to make that call. Perhaps you can address it in a,way that gets her educated rather than punished, and I would approach the director in that spirit. I'm so sorry.

CatladyNW

Thank you, all. I don’t think the caregiver knew what he would say when they made the call. Of course I told DH that I loved him, and i hope he forgets by the time I see him tomorrow. I guess it hit me so hard because it played into my guilt that I couldn’t manage his care at home. But, yes, I will talk to the Director, who is new. That is a good suggestion.

LaneyG

I’m so sorry. I know those kinds of comments hurt. I’ve gotten them. Just keep reminding him how much you love and miss him. I’d too would blame it on the doctors that want to help him. I recall a conversation I had with DH in an earlier stage. He begged me to keep him and stay with him always. Of course I promised him I would. Well he has been in a hospital for nearly 2 months. He is being discharged to MC today. All I can think about is that promise I made to him. I know he probably doesn’t remember it but I also know I will be getting lots more of those comments. It’s so hard. I hate this. Hang in there.

M1

Please both of you remember that you are in fact doing the loving thing, even in the face of reproach. I was accused of infidelity, etc. but this does pass with progression of the disease-she accused me of locking her up so that i could be with my "other lover."

Your spouses will not remember how they ended up in MC and will not have a sense of time passing. My partner has no memory of our 30 years together or of our previous life. She still talks about leaving MC and "going home," but seems to understand that she's there for a medical reason. It does get easier.

SistaSaturn

> @CatladyNW said:
> My DH is in the advanced stages of Parkinson’s disease and dementia. He has been in assisted-living for two years, and the disease has been progressing rapidly these last months. He has had moments of clarity, but has been confused most of the time. His ability to speak has become very limited. So I was quite surprised when he called this afternoon with the help of a caregiver, and in an almost normal voice said that he’d been thinking all night and that he would like a divorce. I asked why and he said because I don’t love him anymore - or I would let him come home and live with me. I know that he is not responsible for what he says, but I am hurting. It has been eight long and difficult years, and I have done my best for him. I could not keep him safe or give him the care he needs at home. It makes me so sad that he feels that I no longer care.

I'm sorry for your hard time. What does DH mean?

elainechem

I'm sure that he already forgotten all about it by now. My hubby threatened to divorce me several times. One time, I got frustrated and I said, "So get a lawyer!" I knew that he couldn't possibly follow through and he forgot all about it within a short period of time. He blamed me for whatever was happening to him because he never understood what was happening. I was just the most convenient target. DO NOT TAKE IT PERSONALLY! That wasn't your loving husband talking, it was his horrible disease talking.

mrahope

I've heard this threat, too. You are not alone. My DH said, "Well, we had a good marriage for 40 years, but no longer." Ouch! But they don't remember and I think at some point are just mad at the world. So sorry you had to hear this.

TooEarly

As someone earlier mentioned, it is the disease speaking.

When I read your post, I thought the day my DW says something like that, I'll know she is far, far gone. And I'll probably stop feeling as guilty and second-guessing myself about all the big and little decisions. I think you can do the same.

Also, don't know if it would work for you, but sometimes sarcasm works for us. When I'm trying to get her to do something like eat or go for a walk, she might say "you're trying to kill me." I'll say, "yep, how'd you guess?" Then, in a fake newscaster voice, I'll add: "Man tries to kill woman by making her walk." This almost always triggers a laugh.

Mint

DH stands for dear husband.

When you go to Supporting Someone Living With Dementia, if you scroll on down below all the options you will find a list of abbreviations used frequently on here.

CampCarol

DH has done this to me as well, and the reasons vary based on his mood. Sometimes it’s “because you don’t take good care of me” or “because you’re trying to kill/overdose me on my medicine”; other times it’s “because you would be better off without me”. Regardless of his thought process at the time, the statements are heartbreaking. I try to remember it’s the disease talking, not him, but I struggle with that daily. I’m sorry that others are experiencing this but grateful these stories are shared so we can all feel less alone.

Jean loves wildlife

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/222962#Comment_222962

My heart hurts to hear this. My DH (living at home) periodically says about the same thing - that I don't care and maybe we should get divorced and he should leave. The caregiver absolutely should not have helped him make that call, should have instead reassured him that s/he knows you love him . . . etc - and changed the subject to get his mind off this idea.

jsps139_

My DH usually tells me he wants a divorce when he gets angry at me for something silly … like me asking him if I can help him with his dentures (he definitely needs the help). I always say in a very calm voice … “ok, I will give you a list of attorneys and you can choose one and give them a call. I just want you to be happy.” It has worked so far. I’m not sure what he’s thinking when I say that, but it works as far as him dropping the subject. How many times a day we have to repeat to ourselves … This is the disease talking, not my husband.

I’m sorry for the hurt this has caused you. This is not an easy journey.

CatladyNW

Thank you all for the support. While I am sad to hear others have had a similar painful experience, it helps to know that I am not alone in this struggle. And yes, today he had forgotten about the divorce. But he was waiting in the common area in his coat for me to pick him up and take him home. I have a hard time keeping the tears from flowing. I told him that I was waiting for the doctor to give him the OK to come home, and it seemed to work. This seems to be a new phase, and I hope as some have said that it will pass.

annie51

As my DH progresses, it hits me so often how incredibly difficult this disease is. We not only have to take care of EVERYTHING, but we also have to deal with the heartbreak that comes with the comments we hear from our LO’s like you’ve all posted here. My skin isn’t thick enough yet to always handle it without getting upset or taking it personally. All we can do is repeat the mantra “it’s not him, it’s the disease”. It just isn’t always enough to keep me from a meltdown.

Lkrielow99

I’ve heard the D word a lot as he progresses. I know he doesn’t mean it, it’s the disease that is speaking. I usually say “Really, and then what?” I then redirect and give him a hug. My DH is just trying to negotiate the situation the only way he can. He can’t reason to get what he wants and he is in a lot of confusion and pain. I don’t take it personally. I know it hurts and I’m so sorry you have to go through this. This disease is terrible and totally sucks on all levels. Much love to you.

dayn2nite2

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/223033#Comment_223033

The aide has to help the patient with their needs, including making phone calls. It is the patient's right to communicate with people, and if they need assistance to do that, that is what the aide is supposed to do. Unless there is an order from a court barring communication between the patient and another person, the patient has rights.