How and when should I tell my DH I am placing him in MC

Sweetfire

Thanks to encouragement from people on this forum, I have decided to put my DH in a Adult Family Home dedicated to memory care. A bed will open up in about one month. I can't decide when to tell him he will be living somewhere away from me. If I tell him the day before placement, I am afraid he will refuse to get in the car to go with me. If I tell him when I drop him off in MC, he will feel betrayed, shell-shocked, and angry that I didn't tell him beforehand. This question and all the grief of knowing how abandoned he will feel keeps me up at night. Any insights, suggestions, and personal experiences would be greatly welcomed.

SDianeL

I had to place my DH last January due to my cancer diagnosis. Do not tell him at all. Make up a fib. The facility will assist you with suggestions. We told my husband we were going to lunch to meet my daughter’s friend. After he sat at the table we both made excuses to leave the table and just left the facility. No goodbyes. The nurse said he cried but she explained I had to go into the hospital for a month and I would visit soon. It broke my heart but it would have caused him unnecessary trauma to tell him. The nurse watched him closely for 2 weeks and he adjusted. They called me so we could talk. They told me not to visit during that time. When we did talk he asked me when he could come home and I said when the doctor says he could. Make up a story about work being done on your house or that you have to have surgery. He won’t remember in time. Remember you’re doing it for him. The less traumatic for him the better. I know what you’re going through. Stay strong. Keep us posted. Hugs.

TyroneSlothrop

Sweetfire, if your experience is like mine, the anxiety you’re feeling now will be replaced by relief once you go through with the move. The staff at my wife’s residence is experienced, kind, and capable, and they made it easy for me and her, and continue to help every time I visit. She is no longer able to remember 5 minutes ago, so the story I made up to explain why she was moving to this “charming hotel” has not been needed.

Maybe you have a friend who could help you deliver him, together?
When I left, I said (honestly) “I will be back!”

Joe C.

I agree not to tell him beforehand. Make up a fiblet like some renovation are being done on the house, there is mold or termites and he is going to stay here while the work is completed. Talk with the MC staff and have a story everyone will use. In my case I just took DW to the MC while there was a music activity going on and the staff took over. I was fortunate, she never once asked why she was there. She acclimated to MC right away.

easy23

I placed my DH in MC 2 1/2 weeks ago. I thought the stress beforehand was going to give me a heart attack!

I didn't tell my DH about MC; I just took him there. I had a staff member meet us at the front door and bring us to the dining room. Once there, another staff member took my DH to a table with other people, for lunch. I just slipped out the door.

I waited 5 days before visiting and my DH was fine. When he asked about home, I just told him that the house was being renovated and that he needed to stay where he was. He said ok - no questions asked!

TooEarly

Sweetfire, I'm going through the same mental gymnastics though I haven't made the MC placement yet. I know the day is coming and I have no idea what to do or say.

I anticipate my DW will be angry and will try to run away at least once.

A friend who recently placed her husband told me all she said in advance was right before they got into the car, telling him they were going to some place that can help him. But you should know, this person also was at the point where he didn't really know where he was any more; maybe that made it easier for them.

tucson anne

Sweetfire I'm there too. I'm not going to tell him ahead of time. He's not argumentative nor angry, so I will do what others have done which is go at lunchtime and figure out something to tell him. But he will know. It eats me up to think of him, but so does caring at home. Sigh.

Sweetfire

I appreciate all the great comments and suggestions. I deal with chronic illness (and my DH still knows that) so I was considering telling him that I could no longer care for him because caring for him was making me sicker (which it is). Therefore, he needed to stay somewhere else until I felt better. Does anyone think that is a good or bad idea?

CampCarol

I'm having the same mental anguish; I am getting very close to placing my DH, but I’m just not there yet. The whole situation is making me physically sick. There are many discussions on this forum regarding placement, how to/when to, etc., and the advice & counsel from those who have gone down this past already is sound. For the majority of cases, placement turns out to be fine. It’s apparently harder on us then them. But I can’t help but think sometimes that my DH is different, our situation is different, and the whole thing will go south. We’ll never know until we try. (And when I do, I will not tell him in advance - see SDianeL's post above, she did exactly as you describe.) Please remember though, as others have said: You’re doing this FOR him, not TO him. This will enable you to be his wife again. Please, please keep us posted, we’re all here for you!

Sweetfire

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/223387#Comment_223387

Thank you for sharing your journey. Mental anguish is how I would describe my situation, as well, and also feeling, as you do, that my DH is different and so on. I know I will get through this and be relieved once he is moved, but the process is agonizing. After I move him I intend to post how it all went down. Hang in there! This community is helping us all and making us feel less alone.

Jeanne C.

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/223386#Comment_223386

I really don't think that is a good idea. If he's still cognizant enough to understand that, it will make him feel bad. Try to think in terms of what is kindest to him.

ghphotog

When I placed my DW it was the most heartbreaking thing I have ever done. I didn't tell her I just drove there and the administrator and head nurse were waiting for us in the parking lot. My DW thought they were her friends. As soon as entered the locked part of the facility the staff took her and I walked away. There is no way to make that decision without agony.

terei

If he asks where you are going, tell him you are going to lunch. Take him the the facility + they will take him to lunch there. If you ‘must’, tell him then that it is a special rehab place that the doctor recommended ‘til he gets better’

IMO never tell them in advance. It is not helpful to the PWD or the caregiver

d or

Dio

My situation was slightly different. DH had been paranoid that I'd leave him and he'd become homeless. So I've been comforting him since day 1, reassuring him that he'd always be well taken care of. When I started to research MCFs I was very transparent about it. I told him that since we don't have any children, I wanted to make sure he'd be well taken care of if something should happen to me, that I was looking for and setting up his long term care, that he would not be homeless, in spite of me. He even peeked over my shoulder and read some dementia info on the MCF's websites and asked if that's what he had. However, on the move-in day, I chose not to tell him in advance. I rallied one of his best friends to do the drop-off in the guise of a lunch date. DH seemed to have ESP; for some unknown reason refused to go to lunch. His friend and I almost had to push him out the front door while emphasizing it's just lunch. Upon arrival, he knew immediately it was a memory care facility. His friend said, "yes, it's a memory care facility, let's check it out." As luck was on our side, the MCF director also arrived in the parking lot at that time and immediately, and nonchalantly, escorted DH directly into the activity room. Then lunch was served. Staff came after lunch and guided DH back to the activity room for bingo. His friend slipped out without saying goodbye. DH acclimated well that night and the next couple months, until the disease started to exacerbate aggression and combative behavior.

That night, I felt a huge sense of relief. I slept peacefully. The guilt came later.

SDianeL

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/223386#Comment_223386

My husband didn’t understand that I had cancer and couldn’t care for him. The facility suggested the lunch fib which worked. My husband could no longer remember or reason. I know how you feel.

Denise1847

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/70681/how-and-when-should-i-tell-my-dh-i-am-placing-him-in-mc

My DH will be transferred from the hospital (COVID recovery) to a rehab for 2 -3 weeks. The rehab is going to transport him to the Memory Care facility. I plan to tell him the night before that he will be going to another place that will help him recover more with his physical and memory problems. Someone from the facility will be greeting him and I will meet them there. It is a nightmare to even think about it.

tryingtodurvive

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/223386#Comment_223386

I think that’s a great idea but like others have said I wouldn’t tell him until you get there. Once you’re in the journey it won’t meter or be remembered once a day it even an hour has passed. Once we’re got there I just took him to his room and told him he needed to stay there while I was working out of town. He cried but by the time I left he was visiting with other residents and was fine. I did wait 2 weeks to visit and he was so happy to see me but has never once asked to go home. In that short period without the confusion of the outside world that was his home. When you leave Jon you might tell him you’re leaving him there while you have done inpatient medical testing done. Good luck and if you have faith just pray. God has lead me safely and sanely through every step of this horrible journey.

Joe C.

Sweetfire, I would not tell him that caring for him is making you sicker, that will only make him feel guilty for your health condition. Rather you might want to try something like saying you need inpatient treatment to help your condition and he is going to stay here while your in the hospital and recovering. If his short term memory is impacted then once in MC you can tell him your recovery is going well and it will only be a few more days.

Sweetfire

Moving My DH into Memory Care

This is the promised post of what happened when I moved my DH into an adult family home dedicated to dementia patients. As those on this forum suggested, when he was dropped off at the AFH I told him a fiblet of why he would need to stay there awhile. The fiblet was that I was having female surgery and would not be able to care for him while I recovered. He didn’t understand what was happening and didn’t cry, but I sure did!

I think the antipsychotic the doctor put him on weeks earlier to deal with his combativeness/uncooperativeness/emotional outbursts really helped with potential unpleasant reactions. I stayed away for three days to help begin the adjustment process for both of us. The first two weeks were the hardest. He was in shock, but after the third week started to settle in. I felt both great sadness and relief.

I visit my DH for a couple of hours nearly every day and enjoy just cuddling and hold hands. He doesn’t really understand why he is there but accepts it as his new reality. Sometimes when we are out for an appointment or coffee, he adamantly states he won’t go back and gives me delusional reasons why, but I explain that I am not well enough to care for him, or I change the subject. According to his caregivers, he misses me very much and is the most calm and cooperative when I am with him.

I am grateful for the encouragement and support from those on this forum to place my DH in care. It was absolutely the best decision. Emotionally it was very hard (and after 10 weeks still is at times), but now I see how much of a toll his 24/7 care took on my health. I have been chronically ill for decades and I’m finding it very hard to recover to the level I was a few years ago.

To those who are still considering putting their loved one in memory care, I can tell you it was hard but also the best choice. I don’t think emotionally I could have put my DH in memory care any earlier than I did, but doing so would have been better for my physical and mental health.

CampCarol

@Sweetfire - Good for you that you were able to take this next step which sounds like care will be better for both you and him. I am still fearful myself (I know placement will be coming 🙁). Thank you for sharing your story and outcome. The more of these I read, the braver I (hopefully) will get!

Sweetfire

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/235782#Comment_235782

It helps to take one step at a time. If you haven't done so already, visit memory care homes or facilities and choose one or two that you feel comfortable with. It can take up to three months for an opening, so make sure you get your DH's name on a list. If your name comes to the top of the list that doesn't necessarily mean you have to take place him at that time if you are not ready. Ask the MC home or facility what they need you to do or have prepared for your DH's move, then do everything you can beforehand. That way when it's time to transition him to his new home you won't have extra stressors.

When your DH is in MC you will adjust to a life not lived with him constantly at your side. I like to tell my DH that seeing him for a few hours each day is like our dating days when we were able to enjoy each other several hours each week. It will be sweeter and the major stresses of caring for someone with dementia will be lifted. That's something to look forward to!

Sandi Roe

this makes everything so real. I’m slowly taking things away that could endanger us. His guns are gone, he thinks his sons are saving them for him. I sold his car, he thinks my car is a new one , it’s a 2008, and want to be sure he is insured! He has 2 amazing sons that said they will take him anytime. He only wants to be with me. Sadly we watch the person we knew become someone different. I’m hanging in, just😜