How and when should I tell my DH I am placing him in MC

I had to place my DH last January due to my cancer diagnosis. Do not tell him at all. Make up a fib. The facility will assist you with suggestions. We told my husband we were going to lunch to meet my daughter’s friend. After he sat at the table we both made excuses to leave the table and just left the facility. No goodbyes. The nurse said he cried but she explained I had to go into the hospital for a month and I would visit soon. It broke my heart but it would have caused him unnecessary trauma to tell him. The nurse watched him closely for 2 weeks and he adjusted. They called me so we could talk. They told me not to visit during that time. When we did talk he asked me when he could come home and I said when the doctor says he could. Make up a story about work being done on your house or that you have to have surgery. He won’t remember in time. Remember you’re doing it for him. The less traumatic for him the better. I know what you’re going through. Stay strong. Keep us posted. Hugs.

I agree not to tell him beforehand. Make up a fiblet like some renovation are being done on the house, there is mold or termites and he is going to stay here while the work is completed. Talk with the MC staff and have a story everyone will use. In my case I just took DW to the MC while there was a music activity going on and the staff took over. I was fortunate, she never once asked why she was there. She acclimated to MC right away.

Sweetfire, I'm going through the same mental gymnastics though I haven't made the MC placement yet. I know the day is coming and I have no idea what to do or say.

I anticipate my DW will be angry and will try to run away at least once.

A friend who recently placed her husband told me all she said in advance was right before they got into the car, telling him they were going to some place that can help him. But you should know, this person also was at the point where he didn't really know where he was any more; maybe that made it easier for them.

When I placed my DW it was the most heartbreaking thing I have ever done. I didn't tell her I just drove there and the administrator and head nurse were waiting for us in the parking lot. My DW thought they were her friends. As soon as entered the locked part of the facility the staff took her and I walked away. There is no way to make that decision without agony.

My situation was slightly different. DH had been paranoid that I'd leave him and he'd become homeless. So I've been comforting him since day 1, reassuring him that he'd always be well taken care of. When I started to research MCFs I was very transparent about it. I told him that since we don't have any children, I wanted to make sure he'd be well taken care of if something should happen to me, that I was looking for and setting up his long term care, that he would not be homeless, in spite of me. He even peeked over my shoulder and read some dementia info on the MCF's websites and asked if that's what he had. However, on the move-in day, I chose not to tell him in advance. I rallied one of his best friends to do the drop-off in the guise of a lunch date. DH seemed to have ESP; for some unknown reason refused to go to lunch. His friend and I almost had to push him out the front door while emphasizing it's just lunch. Upon arrival, he knew immediately it was a memory care facility. His friend said, "yes, it's a memory care facility, let's check it out." As luck was on our side, the MCF director also arrived in the parking lot at that time and immediately, and nonchalantly, escorted DH directly into the activity room. Then lunch was served. Staff came after lunch and guided DH back to the activity room for bingo. His friend slipped out without saying goodbye. DH acclimated well that night and the next couple months, until the disease started to exacerbate aggression and combative behavior.

That night, I felt a huge sense of relief. I slept peacefully. The guilt came later.

My DH will be transferred from the hospital (COVID recovery) to a rehab for 2 -3 weeks. The rehab is going to transport him to the Memory Care facility. I plan to tell him the night before that he will be going to another place that will help him recover more with his physical and memory problems. Someone from the facility will be greeting him and I will meet them there. It is a nightmare to even think about it.

Sweetfire, I would not tell him that caring for him is making you sicker, that will only make him feel guilty for your health condition. Rather you might want to try something like saying you need inpatient treatment to help your condition and he is going to stay here while your in the hospital and recovering. If his short term memory is impacted then once in MC you can tell him your recovery is going well and it will only be a few more days.