Mother causing herself ulcers yelling at my dad every day

EBjax

My mom is at the stage where she is having delusions of my father cheating on her. The only new memories she seems to hold onto these days are the ones she's made up or if something happened that made her angry. He is her primary caregiver and all she does is screen at him all day that he's a horrible husband and doesn't care about her. This of course is not true. He doesn't do anything wrong, I've seen it happen in real time.

Every single time they are in public, she finds a woman she thinks is a threat, tells me over and over how that woman is staring at my dad and she clearly wants to sleep with him. Then later in the day she only remembers 1. There was a woman and 2. She was upset. She fills in the blanks and suddenly it was my father who was staring at the woman and he was flirting right in front of her! She then yells at him repeatedly every single day about the incedent, even though it never happened. I can calm the situation down, but as soon as I leave, she's back on it again like I was never there. Of course every time she brings it up it's the first time she's ever told me about it.

She's now experiencing stomach pains and an endoscopy revealed stomach ulcers. I'm sure this is because she's constantly screaming and upset. I don't know what to do. My dad is being absolutely amazing and just bearing with it and caring for her, but she can't go on like this.

She suspicious of every woman everywhere. I used to be able to take her out of the house to remove her from the situation and allow her to calm down, but now she's suspicious that he's sleeping with the female neighbor across the street and she refuses to leave the house without him so she can keep an eye on him. They can't even go to the grocery store without an incident. I don't know how to calm this situation down. I just don't want her to be upset every hour of the day anymore.

She is undiagnosed because she's lucid enough to do daily tasks and absolutely refuses to believe she has memory issues. I believe her mother had something similar in her old age but my mom never talked about it and I can't find any family members who know anything about it. I think she has a deep rooted fear she'll end up like her mother so she refuses to seek any treatment or acknowledge that she needs it.

harshedbuzz

@EBjax

Hi and welcome. I am sorry for your reason to be here, but pleased you found this place.

I'm sorry about the ulcers; they can be quite unpleasant. But they're not caused by stress— most often they're caused by H.pylori bacteria or the use of NSAIDs. Use of tobacco or alcohol can raise the risks.

Ideally, she needs to be evaluated. Some conditions that cause the behaviors you are reporting can mimic dementia, but are treatable and/or reversible. Both my parents have had memory/cognition changes from treatable conditions and improved with treatment to some degree. Dad (WKS) also had Alzheimer's and I suspect mom (Lyme Disease) is going to end up with a VD diagnosis in the next year or so.

If she's willing to undergo an endoscopy, it should be relatively easy to create a therapeutic lie to get these conditions ruled out compared to someone who resists all medical interactions. A PCP can order the bloodwork and MRI typically ordered along with an in-office screening which should bring some clarity to what you're seeing. I would contact the doctor before hand to describe what you're seeing at home and ask for this to be done. Some people tell their LO that the exam is required to maintain their insurance/Medicare benefits.

She'd likely benefit from psychoactive medications to tamp down her suspicions and delusions. Some PCP are willing to prescribe, but many will refer to a geri psych or neurologist.

HB

H1235

A common symptom of dementia is anosognosia. It is the inability to see or understand their symptoms. There is nothing you are going to be able to say to convince her she is having symptoms. I know it seems wrong to lie (fib) to her, but I would come up with whatever story you can to get her evaluated. I would suggest sending a note to the doctor (an online portal works well) prior to the visit. Explain everything, leaving nothing out. She must be miserable being so angry. It can take a bit to get the medication figured out. If the doctor is not willing to prescribe the medication needed it can take a while to get into a specialist. If things get too out of hand a hospital emergency room visit may be in order. I hope you can get her the help she needs. Keep an eye on your dad.

Quilting brings calm

Is there money to move her to assisted living or MC? Your Dad is/will experience his own physical and emotional health issues as a result of her behavior. She ajready has a terminal illness ( dementia). You need to make sure that he doesn’t come down with a terminal illness too.