Need support hubby needs assisted living

Katcat

I’m at my wits end. I can’t handle having him here anymore. He’s having incontinence a few times a week. Sleeps until noon or 1 pm. Can’t remember last time he showered. I gave up on asking him. Didn’t shave etc. I just had talk with him saying it might be a good idea if we move him to assisted living. He just stared at me and wasn’t for this. I do not know how to handle this. I’m in process of getting homecare for him. Maybe that will help me. This is breaking my heart but I can’t live like this. Anyone?

sherryandwilliam

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/70807/need-support-hubby-needs-assisted-living

It's a lot. I tell my husband to shower then assist him undressing and getting in shower then helping him out and dressing. He is past stage to take initiative on anything himself. Same goes for eating etc. I also shave him with electric razor. You have to think of them as a young child . I think most here can relate. So maybe try seeing if he will cooperate doing those things with your help. Best of luck

Biggles

I do the same luckily we have an open shower no doors etc so we can shower together, once upon a time it would have been romantically fun, all I can do is laugh at this and sometimes sing ha ha! It’s the same destroying routine help with shower, help with shaving, help dressing .. then breakfast help with eating … then clean up and what to do all day, finish with a walk in the park with our new puppy all great and exhausting and a heck of a lot of work. I feel so very lucky that he is still gentle, non violent, I’d love to say caring but all that is gone. I too don’t know how long I can keep this up. Good luck heartfelt thoughts.

Katcat

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/224414#Comment_224414

i was helping with showering but now he wants nothing to do with it. I have to pick my battles. He will shower if he knows we are going out to visit or dinner. He won’t let me shave him. In fact can you recommend an electric shaver. I have to get him one. Eating is not good. He eats junk. Never wants dinner. Thx for your thoughts.

Katcat

Thank God he’s not aggressive but he just won’t cooperate. I can’t get him into a schedule. I have to keep asking him to go out for a walk. His repeating is driving me out of my mind. Especially when we go to bed. What day is tomorrow. Do I have any plans. 30 seconds repeats again. I’m ready to fall asleep and then he’s asking me this and it wakes me up. He used to go to bed before me but now stays up. Ugh. He has no clue all that I’m doing. And I understand he can’t. This is just a horrible sickness. Thx for your input.

annie51

My husband refuses to shower, absolutely hates being wet. I manage to use some no-rinse foam soap to wash different body parts when I can (it doesn’t feel quite as wet on his skin) and no rinse shampoo to wash his hair. But it’s a struggle! Even brushing teeth is always a challenge. And like sherryandwilliam said, I shave him with an electric razor when he complains about the hair on his face. It’s a constant source of tension and is hard on us. We know how you feel and I also wonder how long I can keep it up. Good luck and know we’re all here.

fmb

@Katcat

I hate to say this, but it sounds like he needs more than the services provided by an assisted living facility (ALF). Most ALFs are hospitality based, meaning that they provide meals in the dining room and clean the apartment weekly. In those with sliding fee scales, everything from medication management on up is an additional fee. At DH's ALF, the residents are showered weekly, and they ask the residents if they want to shower and change clothes. They are free to refuse. The same with meals. My DH gets cleaned up and is shaved by his hospice aide 3x/week. They don't ask if he wants to, they simply tell him "It is time to get a bed bath and shave.", and he doesn't argue. If asked, as the facility aides do, he will refuse.

M1

I agree with fmb, he likely needs memory care not assisted living. And there’s no point asking for his consent or agreement, you just do it with no discussion. I’m hoping you have power of attorney? You’ll need it…

Katcat

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/224422#Comment_224422

a huge thank you for sharing.

Katcat

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/224431#Comment_224431

Yes I have poa and I keep calling it assisted living when I do mean memory care. I already have a place picked out. So just a matter of time. Thanks.

Katcat

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/224429#Comment_224429

i mean to say memory care. I know he needs this I’m getting home care and in meantime I’ll talk to memory care facility I’ve picked out and hopefully by the new year things will take a turn thx

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/224429#Comment_224429

ChaChaJ

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/224419#Comment_224419

This is my life, too. My DH has moved into a high-expectation phase where I help him with everything, and he gets frustrated with me if I'm not on his needs. I do everything for him, and I work full-time from home. The repetition is maddening. He has trouble with his language, too, so It's hard for him to explain his needs to me, and he gets frustrated. I am lucky with the showering; I tell him to get in, and so far, he will do it. I don't shower him daily; I use adult wipes and body spray. He doesn't do anything so he doesn't get too smelly, thank goodness.
What I've found odd about this disease is that he tends to do the opposite of what I need him to do. For example, I tap his left leg to put his pants on, and he lifts his right. I noticed this early on. When I would give him any direction, he would do the opposite when there was an opposite option. I have a lot of toileting issues with him, and it's exhausting. I spend much of my day cleaning up after him in the bathroom and doing laundry. I'm so tired. I'm exploring long-term care now, and it's so scary on so many levels. As caregivers, we need more stepped-out support for this path because it is terrifying. I have no idea what I'm getting us into and how I will be able to sustain a life outside of his expensive care.

Katcat

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/224459#Comment_224459

thanks for responding. Sounds like we are in the same boat and days I feel like I’m sinking. I have never felt this strong about getting him to move into memory care. I’m trying to save me. It is outrageous what they charge per month. We have long term insurance for him but the cost so much what he has will last maybe 2 years. I’ve been trying to hold out because if only 2 years what do I do after that when insurance runs out. But I’m now at the point where I need him to be taken care of We go to neurologist next week. I’m getting note from her so he can get home care. I’m hoping if I’m relieved a few times a week for a few hours it may help me. I’m sorry you’re going through this too. The government needs to help us with this. Sending prayers your way.

BPS

If you move your spouse to MC remember why you did it, because for me after I moved her the house was quiet and peaceful which was nice, but after a while it became lonely, and I started thinking about the good times. I started thinking about bringing her home again (I thought I could still care for her), until I stopped and thought about why I moved her and the day-to-day issues that never ended and would only get worse. It took about 5 months before I quit second guessing myself. It was the right thing to do in our case. Give yourself time to adjust and start to figure out what your life will be.

Katcat

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/224482#Comment_224482

thank you. In this moment I know it is ultimately what needs to be done. The lonely part, memories, missing him is what I am going to have to go through. This whole thing is a process. I go through it now with him here. I know without him here it will be very different. Relief, sadness, so many emotions. I do not look forward to it. Thank you again.