What I miss the most

BPS

No question just how I feel. I have had a couple of drinks and am sitting in an empty house thinking (drinking and thinking maybe a dangerous combination). I have been married for 49 years and during the first 25 years I thought we had as close to perfect marriage as possible. the last 24 years has been much less than perfect. I don't know when the Alzheimers became part of the problem it just blended from one thing to another and then Alzheimers (she was diagnosed in 2016 and has been in MC for 6 months). As I sit here right now what I miss the most is the chance to have a real meaningful conversation. I miss the physical connection, but that is not the most important part. We have unresolved issues from the past and I miss the chance to resolve them or at least try to. I miss just talking to her and sharing our lives, good and bad. I often wish I could live inside her mind for just a couple of minutes so I could truly understand. My glass is empty so I will go get another drink. I really don't drink that much but tonight is just one of those nights.

Rick4407

What i miss the most is the joy in life of our being together. Reflecting on that brings tears to my eyes after 18 months. Her final gift to me was looking into my eyes and saying "I love you".

SDianeL

I know how you feel. My husband went in memory care in January. He passed August 12. We were married almost 39 years. I miss him so much it hurts but am glad he’s no longer suffering. Although she can no longer have a conversation she may still be able to hear you. What if you wrote down what you want to say and go read it to her? I’m really trying to focus on the wonderful life we shared and the good times. Then I fall apart. You are experiencing what they call anticipatory grief. Have you considered talking to a counselor? Sending a virtual hug. 🙏

Biggles

everyone’s comments are so touching, relatable and so very appreciated. We have been in a ‘perfect’ marriage for 53 years, so many precious things we have done and always together. I miss the talk, our chatter, our exchange of ideas; it has always just been the two of us, so close together I can’t look at past photos, think about our past or even look into our children’s eyes without welling up inside with tears falling again. I’m not strong or brave and I do t want a future without him.

fmb

I miss the day-to-day conversation and the special times together. I miss our inside jokes. I miss his steadying influence when I'm upset. I miss his snoring. I miss hugs. DH hasn't lived at home for a year now. I'm finally starting to remember some of the good times together. Times before ALZ, a stroke and heart failure robbed us of all but the memories. Today is my 64th birthday. I will spend it at his bedside, telling him about the wonderful time I had with my sons at dinner last night, and seeing the hurt in his eyes because he couldn't be there. Then I will knit and pray while he sleeps. Our 15th wedding anniversary is next Sunday (been together almost 22 years). This is what love is.

marier

I relate to each comment made. I have known my husband for over 50 years and married for the most part of the 50 years. I too miss all the sharing and caring we did together. The travel, camping, day trips, family get togethers, football games etc.. The list is endless. He is still home with me and not sure how much longer he will be at home. The physical care is taking a toll on me. One day at time. I too cope with the stress by walking and doing yoga. Staying fit is important because I want to survive this disease. I hope when this is all over I have the strength left to rebuild a life without him and to find joy and less sadness. I have been on this journey for 10+ years.

trottingalong

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/224750#Comment_224750

I hope you have a nice birthday day. So much we miss when slowly losing the love of our lives.

jfkoc

Sadly I understand.

I often wonder now how little I ever realized what I had. I had a good marriage….not perfect by any means…but life cruised along day by day. I never stopped to think it could end one day.

Others tell you to look back at the happy memories. I do not think that helps. Mostly doing that just makes me "miss".

Now it is one foot in front of the other, rebuilding a different life. There is no other choice but truly, sometimes it is harder than hard.

sherryandwilliam

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/70845/what-i-miss-the-most

I miss him being able to fix anything. His strengths with my weaknesses and vice versa. Now it is all me, It is almost too much to go into it all because I have to live in the here and now. I wonder what he truly thinks about all day, I can relate to whoever said I would like to be in their brain for a clear understanding. Or maybe that would terrify me to see exactly what he is going through and I couldn't bear knowing. Most of all I am glad I have stuck by him and am doing my best to make what life he has left as pleasant as I can

sbcspin

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/70845/what-i-miss-the-most

Give yourself some grace. Believe she knows how much she loves you and how much you love her. I say 'I love you' to my loved shadow and he always says 'I love you back"

sandwichone123

I miss having a partner, someone to discuss things with, someone to help with major decisions, someone to go do dumb stuff with, "paint the town red."

Jo124c

I'm going through the last few days before my DH goes into memory care. I am just sad and unhappy about having to say good bye to our shared evening rituals, to our "in" jokes, to having a companion in bed and to all the things others have shared. He is still able to take care of bathroom needs and with my close supervision can do some tasks that he has always done. He's in mid- to late stage 5. The main reason in my mind for placement at this time is that he constantly wants to move back to where he could drive and work at his old professions and has no recognition of why he can't go back, and continually asks me if I want to keep living here. He is very socially isolated because of the lack of executive function. He could do some things around the house but of course as soon as he moves toward doing something he forgets what he was about to do. He's often unhappy here. The MC facility has lots of things for the residents to do and places to go and a good balance between physical stuff and cognitive games. I'm going to see if he is happier there, has some social interaction, and eventually I hope I will be glad to have some time for myself. I've been doing everything for years now and my mental and physical state have certainly suffered. Nevertheless I feel absolutely shattered about doing this although friends and family are totally supportive. Thanks to everyone for being here.

Denise1847

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/70845/what-i-miss-the-most

I saw this quote which I am focusing on. It may help you. "We must be willing to let go of the life we planned so that we can live the life that is waiting for us." I tell myself not to look in the rearview mirror. It doesn't help. It only hurts and you can't move forward that way. We have a tendency to "romanticize" our past now. Meaning that we now remember things to be better than they were. I can wish all I want to have had a different relationship, but all that does it leave me full of sadness and regret. Remember that you are only 50% of the relationship. Chances are nothing would have changed, even if Alzheimer's never invaded our lives. Please consider socializing, exercise and prayer. The last thing you need right now is destroying your health. I hope this has helped a little. I am so sorry. This disease will destroy you if you let it. At least you have a chance to find peace and joy again some day.

SDianeL

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/247425#Comment_247425

I hope his transition goes well and he settles in quickly. You’re doing this for him, not to him. Hugs. 🙏💜

tonyac2

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/224750#Comment_224750

You know it’s kinda sad, I don’t mention special days anymore. Not his birthday, my birthday, Easter, Christmas, anniversary, etc. They just don’t mean the same anymore. I hate how much dementia has robbed from us. Missing conversations with him is the worst. Feeling a connection. It’s all so sad.

tboard

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/70845/what-i-miss-the-most

I understand. It will be 45 years for us tomorrow. I miss having someone to talk to. It is like living alone but not living alone.