Blocking porn on laptops/cell phones

LS12345

Hello All,

First post here - I just signed up today.

I am a part-time caregiver for my father with dementia and he has no problem watching porn when I am in the room, multiple times a day. I can hear it! My mom can't because she has hearing issues. But she sees it as well. And the psychological damage is indescribable.

I have read about installing anti-porn software on both computers and cell phones. I did some research but read mixed reviews. If anyone has experience with this I would be extremely grateful for your advice. We can't take the computer away, we just want to prevent the porn from appearing.

Thank you so much.

harshedbuzz

@LS12345

It's best to remove the devices. It's the safest approach. Porn sites can be dangerous for someone who has little social filter and executive function. Some sites require fees and he could inadvertently end up on sites being monitored by law enforcement for things like children or trafficked individuals.

You slip the devices into airplane mode and change the WiFi password if he uses them for games.

HB

LS12345

Thank you very much for the quick response. Unfortunately we don't want to take the device away because it's all he does (meaning the computer) when he's not sleeping. He can sort of read. If we take the laptop away we are worried he will escape the house. He DOES watch things besides porn and reads the news, and we know he's not paying for anything as he has no access to credit cards.

Thankfully it doesn't involve children or trafficked individuals (although in that industry I am sure many if not most people are trafficked which is horrifying to me but that's a separate discussion).

I'm just hoping there is a way to block the inappropriate content. I've read about Canopy and Covenant Eyes for example. Just wondering if anyone has tried these.

Thank you again for reading this.

H1235

My daughter has parental controls of some kind on the grandkids tablets. I’m not real tech savvy so I’m not exactly sure. If you can’t get the controls on his laptop could you buy a tablet and set it up with his favorite games then block everything else so he can’t go online without a password? I think this way would mean blocking all internet. Could you delete the browser so all he can get to is the things he has an app for? I hope you can find something that works.

LS12345

Thank you for your input - I'm afraid if we blocked the entire internet he would have a meltdown and do something reckless. He DOES read normal websites besides porn. I'm sure of that.

I'm thinking of trying to find out which sites he is visiting and then blocking them individually…

Also read a seemingly trustworthy article that Cisdem AppCrypt and Screen Time may help so will try that.

M1

well I hope you can find something that works. Your fear of his lability is telling though….a hard lesson is that safety has to drive the decision making, and if he’s that prone to tantrums you probably need to discuss with his doctors. Have you told his docs about the pornography? You definitely should, as hyper sexuality is not uncommon and can be manipulated somewhat with medication. There are probably many safety steps looming that he may not like, but you can’t let him drive this bus. No more than you would let a toddler’s tantrums influence your parenting decisions.

LS12345

Thanks for the advice. He's not prone to tantrums, but he escaped the house for the first time. Obviously didn't get far. The doctor knows, but he barely takes any of his medicines. Just seeing those images haunts me. I need to find a better way of coping.

Iris L.

PWDs become unable to manage the complexities of their daily living, including taking necessary medications. Eventually, the family caregiver must take over the supervision of instrumental ADLs, including making sure that necessary medications are taken. Sometimes necessary medications may need to be crushed and added to food or coffee, after approval by the pharmacist.

Iris

harshedbuzz

@LS12345 said "Thankfully it doesn't involve children or trafficked individuals (although in that industry I am sure many if not most people are trafficked which is horrifying to me but that's a separate discussion)."

Unfortunately, many sites contain a range of actors, and it would be difficult to know that he's not wandering onto pages with 16-17 year olds. Since he's unfiltered regarding his use in front of you, could you just turn his WiFi off when he ventures away from the sites you approve. I have my internet through Xfinity and can pause the WiFi on any device in the house from my phone.

I agree meds are indicated, not just to dial back the sexual interest which might break through in other ways, but also the sense that he'd have a meltdown if the internet was denied him. What would happen if there was a temporary outage?

If you are concerned about elopement, it's probably best to secure /alarm doors now.

HB

LS12345

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/224884#Comment_224884

Thank you. I've thought about that. He would probably notice if it is a solid food but I am going to check with the pharmacy to see if it can be dissolved in a liquid.

LS12345

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/224885#Comment_224885

Thank you for the advice. We don't have outages longer than a couple minutes. I'm going to look into parental controls in the meantime. I've seen A LOT unfortunately, but never involving anything underage. If that was the case I would destroy the computer with no hesitation.

He doesn't have 'meltdowns' in the sense of getting aggressive, he just becomes moody. Going to look into locks.

NizhoniGrrl

I would set up a new device like a tablet set up with parental controls by you with allowed sites only. My bigger concern is that you don’t have control of his medication. At this point someone should be giving him meds, they should not be self administered. I had an older relative without dementia who visited these sites and was constantly having issues with viruses infecting his computer. It’s dangerous to have him with free access to everything at this point.

NizhoniGrrl

I wanted to add that you should either take away the smartphone or replace with a flip phone for calls and texts only.

LS12345

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/224921#Comment_224921

Thank you. That is a very good idea.

LS12345

I agree with you but other family members don't which causes lots of fighting. I think spyware is already there. Received an email to my personal account that was, let's just say, more than spam. Included a photo of my parents' house taken from Google Maps. I was horrified.

M1

Who has power of attorney for him? That person holds the decision making authority....

dancsfo

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/224977#Comment_224977

I agree with what other people have said. Another idea:

Perhaps you, or someone with the computer ability to change a device's internet settings to filter out adult sites for any device connected to your WiFi, so you don't need to fiddle with each device.

If you don't know anyone, there are stores that provide services or even house-calls (for a fee)

Here's one example called OpenDNS Family Shield that is free.

https://www.opendns.com/home-internet-security/

allit

I’m sure this will be an unpopular opinion and also may be considered naive. If he gets something out of watching porn, can’t you just let him have that? If you’re able to confirm that the sites are legit adult porn and he’s not being taken advantage of, and it seems to bring him some kind of enjoyment, then let him have it. Like maybe there’s a way to download something that doesn’t require Wi-Fi to use then he could just watch that over and over again. Idk because it’s been a long time since I’ve watched any. But I’m guessing there is a safe way to do it.

harshedbuzz

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/224978#Comment_224978

You need to lock down your credit with the 3 major credit bureaus asap. I would lock there's down as well.

MN Chickadee

You've received good advice. Taking away devices needs to be on your radar, because there is more trouble than just porn to get into. A therapeutic fib about the wifi being down or the laptop being in the shop for repair will go a long way. As a stop gap you could try parental controls. You can change your internet router to use open DNS with family shield. That will block adult content and some malware. You would need to turn off cellular data on his phone so it's just on wifi. Remember this would still allow him to get into financial sites, or some malware that could jeopardize all info on the computer, talking to strangers, giving up important info to strangers, and scams, so locking down passwords on al financial accounts, freezing his credit, taking away credit cards and having a close eye on all that would still be necessary.

I know someone who went to jail for their porn situation. No dementia, just making bad choices. They claim they didn't know the nature of what they downloaded from a website or that it involved minors, whether that's true I don't know. But it was monitored by the FBI and he is literally in jail right now. It's nothing to mess around with. Making your loved one angry is better than some alternatives.

Would he accept something like the Grand Pad? it's a tablet designed for folks with dementia and locked down so they have very limited access to the internet and games.

cdgbdr

I set up parental controls on my DR'S phone. It helped. I had to take him off Facebook because he ended up posting inappropriate things he ran across on there. At this point he doesn't use it so that is one issue behind us.

LS12345

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/225041#Comment_225041

Thank you very much. I did not know about changing the internet router with open DNS. Also didn't know about Grand Pad despite researching alternatives to laptops for people w/ dementia.

Credit cards aren't an issue. Getting rid of the iPhone for sure though and replacing with a simple flip phone.

I've been getting strange emails to my personal email (my password is locked down and only I have it) with photos of my parents' house from Google Maps from people saying they know someone in the house is looking at 'certain things' on the web. It's beyond creepy.

Thank you again for the advice. I can only devote so many hours a day researching how to help the situation so communities like this are so helpful.

LS12345

As long as he does it in private, that would be one thing. But not when he's watching it on full volume when I'm in the same room. I've been subjected to it for hours. Have bought countless headphones for him to put on when he starts up and I direct him to put them on when I hear it. But he loses them.

I've had relatives suggest the same thing - 'Just let him watch it!' But they aren't in the room when he does it. They pop in for an hour or 2 every few weeks and don't witness the day to day reality of the situation.

MN Chickadee

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/225150#Comment_225150

You may want to engage his physician as you start to take away the pornographic stuff. He may have hyper sexualization issues that can come with dementia, and medication can help with it. Whether he finds other unpleasant outlets for this behavior, or becomes angry and combative over it, medication may be needed.

The emails you are receiving are beyond creepy. Law Enforcement wouldn't handle anything that way, so he clearly has told someone online where he lives or somehow compromised his anonymity. I would get him cut off the normal internet immediately. This sounds dangerous. There comes a time in this journey for most of us as caregivers where we have to be the bad guy, take the heat, do hard things. This sounds very clearly like you need to do that. He has engaged with some bad actor online and you are receiving a warning via these weird emails. Use fibs about things needing to get repaired, let him get upset, whatever it takes. He's a vulnerable adult now with a compromised brain, an illness he cannot recover from. His family needs to protect him from bad actors online, blackmail, illegal activity that could result in being arrested, protect his assets etc. This is your legal and ethical duty now. Please take action immediately. If you don't know how to put parental controls in place hire someone to come to the house and do it while someone takes dad out to lunch, or order up the Grand Pad and send the laptop away "to the shop for repairs."

JeriLynn66

I would also have my own PC or laptop (whatever you are using) looked at by a professional. If these people have your email address??? where are the emails coming from? This sounds very dangerous to me.

housefinch

This is a situation where permanently stopping his internet access is vital. No matter what his reaction is. I would have a safety plan and know what geriatric psychiatry inpatient facilities exist in your area. You are risking his and possibly your assets, criminal charges, etc. If someone ends up with a sex offender conviction, won’t you wish you had stopped his internet access? Do not assume he is only watching adults in those videos. (He has brain damage and no concept of distinguishing between a preteen, teen under 18, and an adult). You’re playing with fire and minimizing the risk here. No one will care if he has dementia, and no memory care facilities will accept him when necessary.

LS12345

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/225181#Comment_225181

I sincerely appreciate the honesty and directness of your response. I am going to email the doctor. I'm in a difficult spot because I don't want to tell my mom about all of these details as I don't want to stress her more than she already is. And I want to support her. Other relatives aren't as concerned and are acting in the opposite manner of what you are suggesting. But I think you're right.

It's so odd how strangers can sometimes give you better advice compared to family members, but I think it's because we've seen and witnessed everything up close while others just stop in for a bit.

Someone on this thread suggested I think of my dad as a toddler, and as much as it kills me I'm going to have to do that. Best dad in the world. He has moments of incredible clarity sometimes.

I'm pretty tech-savvy and have removed viruses before but this is on another level so going to look into finding someone to come and wipe everything clean. And remove the new computer. Will cause a lot of family friction but what else can I do?

M1

The toddler comment was from me and I will continue the blunt talk. Honestly, i think you need to be frank with your mother too. I know that learning how to handle all of these things is a process, but she needs to understand the dangers and the reality of the situation. As others have pointed out, this is a hair on fire ballgame. I think you are being too cautious about sparing their feelings. I fear it will come back to bite you, big time. Best to rip off the bandaid and confront the truth here.

MN Chickadee

"It's so odd how strangers can sometimes give you better advice compared to family members, but I think it's because we've seen and witnessed everything up close while others just stop in for a bit."

So true, LS12345. I learned just about everything I know from this group and reading "The 36 Hour Day." This forum gave me far more practical help and knowledge than any doctor. And yes family members while well meaning can be completely detrimental to what needs to happen. My father (the caregiver spouse) spent a lot of time in denial so I spent many years oscillating between tiptoeing around his feelings and being the bad guy, pushing him to do what needed to be done for mom to avoid crisis, and having "coming to Jesus" conversations with him. Not a role I asked for but that's how it worked out. We're thinking of you, let us know how things go and ask more questions. This is a very supportive and knowledgeable community.

harshedbuzz

@LS12345 I saw this in my local news and wondered if this is the scam you're describing here.

https://www.nbcphiladelphia.com/investigators/consumer/philly-area-women-warn-of-google-street-view-sextortion-scam/3996292/

LS12345

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/225291#Comment_225291

YES. Looks like this was not related to my father. I did not realize this was a trend.