Good ways to talk to DH's doctor?

Anna2022

Hi all!

DH has a PCP doctor appointment on Wednesday and I usually attend with him. The doctor is aware of DH cognitive issues and is fairly saavy and I usually update her the day before by leaving a message with issues, details, requests. The doc can throw me under the bus sometimes in the appointment by saying, "you wife let me know that you are experiencing some anxiety…". And DH will deny agitation, anxiety, etc and will get pretty upset with my talking to the doc about his business. To make matters more complex, my DH displays anosognosia. DH is refusing to attend appointments with his geri-psych but will go to his PCP- that's why we are headed to the PCP on Wednesday.

We have releases signed that allows the doc to speak with me about DH's issues and we have releases in place for the PCP and geri-psych to speak to one another.

My question is this - how do I get info to the doc and yet not let DH know that I am talking to doc ahead of time? I've tried asking the doc to not let on that I have talked but she doesn't honor those requests very well. He really needs a prescription for anxiety and agitation, especially around those dental issues (which he has forgotten already!!) but he will deny any and all agitation, anger or anxiety issues.

Any suggestions? Many thanks!!

​fesk

If the doctor cannot honor your requests, it may be time for a new doctor. You need a professional who will work with you.

ImMaggieMae

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/224871#Comment_224871

Absolutely. As time goes on this will become even more important. Could you put your concerns in writing ahead of time and get that to the doctor? My husband’s PCP is also my PCP. I never had the problem of him not listening to me, but if I had, there was time alone during my appointments and his health directly impacts mine.

jfkoc

I agree. The Dr does not sound very "savvy" to me. Nor does he seem to be a team member.

I would put my concerns in writing and get it to the Dr ASAP. Take a copy with you and give to the nurse when you check in.

At the appointment sit where you can nod yes/no without your husband noticing.

Additionally I would contact the other Dr who may be willing to help without an appointment.

trottingalong

definitely write the doctor ahead of time stating firmly you are asking for meds for anxiety, etc. I would also state these are triggers with your husband and you request he not be told about you contacting your doctor prior to his appt.

jsps139_

I can relate to these issues Anna. My DH’s PCP seemed to have doubts about the severity of my DH’s Alzheimer issues. It wasn’t until I was very specific about what was going on that he changed his attitude and has been very helpful since.

I wrote down specific things instead of just stating he was angry and agitated and then gave it to the nurse while she was weighing my husband. It had the Dr’s name on it, and she nodded. I wrote: He has definitely moved on to the next phase of his Alzheimer’s. Then listed specific behaviors like ***My husband is putting shaving cream on his dentures instead of denture adhesive, then he screams at me for buying the wrong stuff for his dentures, but he refuses to let me help. *He wakes up at night stating he is too hot, no too cold, and he takes all the bedding off the bed and tries to remake it. This goes on for an hour or more.
I listed about 6 behaviors.
When his doctor came in the exam room, he did ask my DH if he was having any anxiety or if he was having trouble sleeping. And he gave his usual answer … No. But since his PCP read my note, he realized just how bad things were. I think sometimes the doctors need to hear the specifics (rather than just observe their behavior during the appointment) to understand that meds are needed.

I’ll be thinking about you both on Wednesday. I hope things go good and you get him on some meds to help both of you! ❤️

Anna2022

Many thanks to all who were able to respond. I had to cancel the appointment due to reasons unrelated to DH, but I will take your information and use it next week when we reschedule. Many, many thanks!

michiganpat

I always leave an update with my husbands doctor before his appointments. Never once has she mentioned this to him. I go in with him for his appointments. She is my primary care doctor too and I always discuss my husband as he greatly impacts my health.

MN Chickadee

I'd state in the letter one more time that the doc mentioning the fact that you contact them is a trigger for your DH and she should not mention it to his face. If she still does then it's time for a new doctor. Having a good PCP you can work with makes an enormous difference in this journey as caregiver, and some docs are really bad at dealing with dementia. Just because they went to med school doesn't mean they get it. I switched my mom's doctor for similar reasons. The first just did not understand the nuance and challenges and was a knucklehead about stuff like that. With the new one it was smooth sailing on that front and we were able to act as a team.

trottingalong

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/225024#Comment_225024

I do the same with my doctor, since my DH and I share the same one. I go in with him to all appts and she’s great talking directly to him knowing I often do the answering. My DH is always just agreeable.

jfkoc

Please send in your input early!

psg712

Yes, recommend you send this type of info a week before the appointment. Staff will usually see it first, and it will be in their to-do pile till they get it to the doc. And if the doc was out of the office for a few days, on call, etc ... can be extra delay.

Agree with giving specific examples of behaviors for the doctor to read. Highlight especially those that show poor judgment and safety concerns for your LO. Request cognitive assessment during the visit. The "aha" moment for my mom's PCP happened when he asked her to subtract from 100 by sevens. She couldn't do it. He looked at me and said, "she worked in bookkeeping and accounting, correct?" There were a lot more pressing issues than her ability to subtract, but that's the one that got his attention. FINALLY.