Father packing to fly back home

JM27

Hello all,

It’s been a minute. My father has been here about 3 months and we are now at a point where fiblets don’t work.

He is now demanding to go home and even if I say we are figuring it out or I can’t because of work he is going to get his own flight to go home. (I am POA I have all his ids and credit cards) wifi is disabled on his cell phone so he can’t use internet but he can make calls.

He is currently packing his bag.

I have looked into about 6 or 7 different facilities and thought for now the best thing for him is to him be in my home because he seems to be in a more milder stage then most at the facilities.

He does need help with some hygiene and remembering to take med and eat but for the most part he is still able to get around on his own no alignments there.

I am thinking I am saving him from confusion, anguish and agony but not putting him in a facility yet. He still thinks he’s visiting here and knows he has a house to go back to and a long list of what needs to be done and as he state he’s doing nothing here. And his health is perfectly fine.

Awaiting a dr app next Tuesday to see if we can get him on anxiety meds to see if that will help at all.

Im reaching a point of exhaustion. I am with him daily and work a full time job from home. There aren’t day programs in our area nor would he participate at this point. If he sees anyone older than him he thinks he is way younger and there isn’t a thing wrong with himself.

The other issues is the cost of these facilities the good ones are expensive.

Just looking for some ideas, suggestions and support.

Thank you

M1

JM, you might actually do better to go ahead and place him. Staying at your house may continue to feel like a visit.

JM27

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/224995#Comment_224995

Hi Merla,

His house still needs to be sold. So he actually does have somewhere to go and it is a flight away.

For now not much I can do he’s upset and In his room still packing.

And yes it is very anxiety provoking. Il full of anxiety because I don’t know what he is going to try and do once he comes out of his room.

JM27

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/224999#Comment_224999

Hi M1,

Yes I agree. I’m hoping so anxiety meds will help for time being but that dr appt isn’t till next Tuesday.

M1

Have they seen him previously? If so I would go ahead and call tomorrow, maybe they'd be willing to start something now prior to the visit.

JM27

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/225003#Comment_225003

unfortunately they have not seen him. I am still going to call to see if they could prescribe something.

mabelgirl

if you have his ID and cards and I assume put a lock on his bank account so no electronic withdrawals can occur, how would he be able to leave? I understand it can be frustrating and heartbreaking to hear, but if he actually can’t make it happen who really needs the meds? 😳 I am sure the meds will help him but the litany of wanting to go home I doubt will go away. Can you get an in home caregiver that could keep him busy during the day so his boredom is lessened? If you are truly at the point where moving to a facility is best for the family, could you tell him you sold the house and got him an apartment?

JM27

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/225043#Comment_225043

Hi Mablegirl,

I thinking meds because his anxiety is really really bad. I think it plays a part in his daily he is in his head an awful lot.
He won’t be able to go anywhere just worried he will get irate because he has before.

If I were to tell him he sold his house he wouldn’t believe me. The part of him still having his house is sticking and he wants to be home.

wh1t

Keeping him safe can mean many things. In your case, a facility can have a team of people to reduce his anxiety and gently redirect him.

​fesk

If you want to keep him with you, I'd recommend looking into a caregiver for a few hours a day a few times a week. Maybe they can go out, do shopping, go to a regular senior center, etc. Your post says milder stage, but I don't know exactly what that means. When my mother was in the earlier stages, she could go out and do many things. The most important thing we did was get her in a routine. She also knew she was moving in with me. No fiblets. We told her we were uncomfortable with her being alone and worried about her. Staying with me would help us not to worry about her. Then when she was here, a routine was established, a caregiver was introduced for some of the days and she did shopping with her, cooking, went to activities, etc.

JM27

Hi Fesk,

yes I’m looking into daily or a few times a week for caregiver. By milder I mean he can still walk move on his own use the restroom and shower on his own.

However his memory isn’t well and we have tried to engage him in shopping, walking, games ect and not what he wants to do.

I defiantly think the change of him behind out of his home and in a new city/state is taking a toll on him. He wants to get back to his safe zone and unfortunately for his own well being and safety that is no longer an option.

Thank you for the repose.

​fesk

JM27,

Is there anything he did around his own house, he can do in yours? My mother was the same when she came here, could do a lot on her own but needed supervision - memory not good. Yes, the change will have an impact but, if he is in the early stage, he probably can adapt. My mother was able to understand the move though and that it was permanent. She didn't want to move at first, but as you said, it was for safety. She accepted it.

If there is a way to establish a routine, or have him engaged in a way that he is useful - helping you, perhaps, it may help. My mother went with her caregiver to a local community center, participated in activities and made friends. This is something she never would have done on her own or when in her own home, but she ended up enjoying it for a long time.

I hope you can find a way to make it work. Keep us posted.

Victoriaredux

"He wants to get back to his safe zone" -this can occur even when the PWD is in their long term home — they time travel in their minds. One loving spouse drove across the country to get their spouse to the yearned for "my old house " —only to have her go. " why are we here?"- wasn't recognized or meant anything - her head lived elsewhere. And they may be seeking the feeling home gave them .

very short video

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=moi9Tw1UTic&t=3s&ab_channel=ValidationTrainingInstitute

-less than 2 minutes Naomi Feils on the topic

JM27

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/225088#Comment_225088

Thank you for the video. I have tried this I saw another video of Naomi Feils and I have tried doing this as well.

H1235

Medicine can be helpful, but keep in mind it may take a while to take effect. It may also take a while to find one that works best for him. Doses need to be increased slowly. (I’m not a doctor) It’s a process. I hope he and you can find some peace. Dementia stinks.

JM27

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/225092#Comment_225092

Hi H1235,

Thank you so much. Yes this does stink. I just wish he could be at peace here in my home. Poor guy everyday it’s a list of what he has to do at his home and reasons why he needs to go back there.

M1

I don't know if this helps—but after 2.5 years in memory care my partner still wants to "go home," although she no longer knows where that is. She still asks about her truck too. Still packs up and takes pictures off the walls. We can't leave any large containers in her room as she will try to pack her belongings. Not with the intensity she used to, but it still happens. I think some of this you just have to let happen and not respond to it. But it's very hard, especially in the stage you're dealing with.

JM27

Hi M1,

Yes I’m trying to let it happen. I let him pack his bag and didn’t say anything. I went in the room later and unpacked it later last night he was repacking which is fine.

I just feel really bad for him and at the same time it is emotionally exhausting. The repetitiveness of it daily.

it does help to know there are others LO doing similar things. It helps me recolonize this is part of the disease.

Thank you for the support. Greatly appreciated.

Lynn24

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/70863/father-packing-to-fly-back-home

Hi JM27, My mother exhibited the same behaviors when we moved her in with us two years ago. She was prescribed Seroquel a year later of which has helped tremendously since after a year with us, she became very agitated and wouldn’t sleep much.

ppfrmo

That’s tough and we went through that with my MIL but it was the opposite situation, as she had been with us for a while and we were moving her to my BIL to stay for a while. We were told in the beginning it was too hard on a AD patient to move them around but we tried to for about a year and a half and when all the kids accepted the fact that it wasn’t working she went into a nursing home and she spent the next 13 years of death there. I often wonder if I had taken early retirement if she would have had a much shorter but happier end to her life. It’s one of those things you never know. She told us when we moved closer to her that she was going to live with us I wish we had fulfilled that wish for her. She still had 6 living children at that time and I’m sure they would have had lots to say about that but wish we had done it.

Victoriaredux

"I often wonder if I had taken early retirement if she would have had a much shorter but happier end to her life." —- you all did what you could at the time with where you all were in your lives

one of my favorite quotes:

"It is difficult to live in the present, ridiculous to live in the future and impossible to live in the past. Nothing is as far away as one minute ago."

Jim Bishop

JM27

For today he seems better, he does continually ask me to check flights and that he needs to be going and then gives the same laundry list he’s been meaning to do for the last 3 years.

I listen I reassurance and I let it be. I try to remeber to breath thru it all.

I feel content today that it’s just a question. It’s the days where he is making more sense and points that catch me off guard and then I get sucked into the anxiety ridden dance of the sky is falling.

Quilting brings calm

-she went into a nursing home and she spent the next 13 years of death there. I often wonder if I had taken early retirement if she would have had a much shorter but happier end to her life. -

I don’t think it would have been any shorter or any happier. My parents’ PCP told me that my parents wouldn’t be happy no matter what I did or where they lived. That all I could do was keep them safe.

nsglobe

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/225075#Comment_225075

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/225162#Comment_225162

I am glad yesterday was better.

I guess I treat my mom like fesk. No fiblets. She deals better with the truth even if it upsets her at first. She will need time to adjust and get used to the "new" reality. But, I find not talking to her harder.

That is just my experience with my mom. I know every situation and every person is different. She gets hyper focused on a task that is usually not necessary (like it sounds like your dad's list is, JM27). If the tasks cannot be done, we work through the why or when together so that she can move past it.

It takes a lot of talks and a lot of time. But to me, it is worth repeating the same conversation if it makes her feel more comfortable than telling fiblets that make her not understand the situation in full.

My mom is still able to get out and about too. She doesn't drive and doesn't have access to her bills/banking. So, I gave her a Cash App card that she is not aware works at an ATM. She thinks she can only use it for food when going out with friends or snacks at the store. I can see her spending and add money from her account any time she spends money but never enough that she can "catch a flight".

It is free and if she loses it, I can shut it down.

I am not sure any of this will help you. I hope you feel the support from the group! Everyone's journey is the same; but different. I hate dementia!

JM27

Hi Nsglobe,

I have sat my father down a few times and brought truth and he isn’t able to comprehend.

He thinks he is perfectly fine and it does not stick that there are memory issues and concerns. It doesn’t help he’s always been a stubborn man and done everything for himself.

But I’m trying to remind myself I have to take it day by day.

Thank you for sharing and your support. ❤️

​fesk

nsglobe, as my mother has advanced, fiblets are now used. For example, if she asks for someone no longer here, they are at the store, etc. That is enough for her to move on. My main goal now is that she is safe, comfortable, calm, engaged, etc. When she was in an earlier stage, I allowed her to participate in decisions for as long as she was able.

JM27

Hi fesk,

I started the fiblets because I was told by his dr in Colorado that’s what I needed to do was therapeutic lying for him well being.

Well at the time he wasn’t doing as well as he is now. He wasn’t taking his blood pressure meds or eating regularly and he only had him taking care of himself. Now he is here and has been getting his medicine regularly and eating well and he seems a lot more together for the most part. There are days of extreme confusion and others where he is aware he’s been here a long time.

He isn’t in a place to make a decision he will just continue to go back and forth about it. He doesn’t feel a decision needs to be made due to him being in perfect health and him being on his own since he was a child.

So when I do try to consider him in a decision he will just repeat and go over and over again. It doesn’t get comprehended this is what needs to happen.

I have tried to tell him we can not go back to his home and this is the safest thing right now and he doesn’t understand it.

He’s new thing is his bag is packed and he waiting for me to say what day we are leaving. We are doing this everyday this week so far. As soon as he sees me it’s when am I going home I need you to look into flights I have to be getting back. That is his focus. If my husband or daughter are in the room he won’t ask but the minute we are alone here it comes. I feel like I’m running out of things to say.

I would like to keep him with me as long as I can but I work full time from home and it is very exhausting for me. I’m hoping to bring in a companion care and see if this works at all.

He is very mobile on his own and yes his physical condition isn’t bad. So I think he might do well in AL but here in California I’m told because of the Dementia diagnosis he has to go to a MC.

AmandaF

I am also in CA and we had a similar problem - my mom had a dementia diagnosis and couldn’t go on living at home or with me, but was too high-functioning to fit in with a lot of the MC units we saw. It was very frustrating but we just kept asking around until we found a place that said it would be appropriate for her. It’s actually not a locked MC, and some people there are pretty with it (some aren’t). My mom wears a bracelet that alerts them if she tries to leave, which happened a couple times in the beginning but doesn’t anymore. We also hid an Apple AirTag in her fanny pack, which she takes everywhere. We had to adjust her meds to help with her anxiety, but now that she’s been there a few months she’s doing pretty great. Good luck and I hope you can find a place that works for your dad. You’re in a difficult stage of the process.

JM27

Hi Amanda,

Thank you for sharing. Is the facility your mom is at MC or AL?

AmandaF

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/225292#Comment_225292

Their website says AL.

NizhoniGrrl

Hi there. It seems like your father's dementia is not mild, but at least moderate (stage 4/5). It is upsetting and difficult to deal with at this stage and I urge you to start researching placement. In a new environment they will have activities to distract him and occupy him throughout the day. At home, he can just ruminate and worry and take it out on you. I would also work on getting his house sold so that you can have access to financial resources to pay for his care. You might also look for places that provide respite care, so that you can get a break, and also travel to his home to prepare it for sale, etc. It's very stressful and even when we know we are doing what is best for them, it can still feel bad! My mom is now in AL (moved from IL) and keeps asking, every time I see her, when she is going to move back to be with her boyfriend and her bridge lady friends there. I still feel bad that she can't have those relationships but she was no longer safe living in Independent Living, even with outside caregivers starting to come in.

Here are the stages: https://alzheimersdisease.net/living/stages