MIL moved in without warning, without a plan

NeeNeeJ

Hi - I'm new here - and I'm feeling so everwhelmed. So my MIL has lived alone for the past 20 years- the past 5 she has been declining- we unplugged her stove- put a lock on the door so she couldn't go downstairs - etc. My husband is a procrastinator - we finally went to a lawyer last week (as for years his mother told him the house was in his and his brothers names) turns out it isnt- and for some back story - my MIL worked in nursing homes- she came to this country on her own - from Portugal - she was very proud of her home- she bought it herself and has loved it ever since. So she of course put guilt on her boys that she will never live in a nursing home- she will disown them. Well…. cut to now- she isn't officially diagnosed- (I'm not sure why) - but she is for sure in some stage of dimentia/AZ. OK - so last week - on Saturday- my husband desides (from guilt) - that she shouldn't be alone - and has moved her into our 2-bedroom house- and I have 2 teenage boys at home. I have the ability to work from home - ideally I would like to go into the office 2-3 days a week - but he moved her in with no plan as to who will stay with her while I go to work- so I worked from home all week - I feel she was dumped on me (which is a whole other problem) - but I am extremely overwhelmed- with her constant questions - why am I here- where is my son, what am I supposed to do - he can't make decide forme - to her asking my son who I am - and if I was his sister- etc…. It's only been one week - and I feel like a failure for wanting to throw in the towel. Last night cleaning up the bathroom after she left a nice mess for me - stepped in it and tracked it all over my house. I know my husband freaked out - but I also feel like he dumped her on me, took advantage since I can work from home- I know have to wait on her hand and foot- it's not good for my job - it's not good for my kids - I just don't know what to do. We have a follow up appt with the lawyer to get her sound enough to sign a POW for my husband - and who knows what will happen after that.

The point of all of this- is to stay true to her wishes- not go in a NH - but that means - we'd either have to live like this for 2 years for her to qualify for medicade - or give up her house - which was also one of her wishes - to pass it down. I had a bit of a breakdown this morning- I feel weak for doing so - but it's not a good situation - no clue what to do…

Quilting brings calm

I’m not sure where the two year timeframe is coming from. unless that’s how long she has enough money left for her expenses. Medicaid has a five year lookback. They will want to make sure that she didn’t give away assets ( such as the house or large sums of money) in that timeframe. If you were living in her house for two years being her caregivers, you would be allowed to stay there - for how long I don’t know. But eventually the house would be sold or confiscated after death to reimburse Medicaid for her care.

Her sons should have never made that promise - and they need to stop holding themselves to it so that they can get her the care that is best for her. I am not sure she will be able to grant a POA. You might have to go through the court for guardianship.

Memory care facilities are not nursing homes. Many of them don’t accept Medicaid. I would recommend selling her home to pay for memory care. She’s too far gone for assisted living.

As to your house- your spouse should have never done that to you or your kids unilaterally or unannounced. You have a right to say No. You have a right to be upset. You have a right to feel that it isn’t going to work. A 2 bedroom home for 5 people, one of which works from home. With a woman that needs supervision 24/7.
I don’t have any advice really - but we want you to know that we support you and that this is a safe place to ask for advice and to vent.

NeeNeeJ

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/225900#Comment_225900

So the lawyer told us - since her assest (her house) - is in her name - she could move in with us - the 2 year period begins- we can sell her house - use some money to better our home for her (which would be to fix the basement- make 2 bedrooms for my boys- and she could have their room upstairs, right now she is in our living room) - and then once 2 years goes by - then we can get medicaid without them taking from her assets- which all sounds horrible like all we want is her money - my husband is trying to do what she wanted- but he waited too long - and I don't think I'll survive 2 years like this- I can't - and I don't think it's good for her, my kids or even my husband. But he had to try - he's very stubborn - like his mother. I'm at work today - as he stayed home with her- and I'm already shaking at the thought of going home and it's only noon. Thanks for your input though… I believe she needs to be in a home -

terei

Yes, he did dump her on you + if he wants her to be in your house, HE can caretake her. Her home + proceeds should be used to pay for memory care til Medicaid can kick in.

I am just appalled at the number of people who think it is just A-OK to do things like this. What is happening is your H is willing to compromise the quality of life for your whole family by trying to abide by her wishes (that she verbalized when she was healthy). I would not accept this upheaval of my family to try to make one person ‘happy’. (Which she wont be anyway).

I can only say what I would do + that is demand that she be placed in MC where she will have 24/7 care. This disease is hard on everyone whether placed or not, but to cause chaos for 5 people in a 2 BR house is not acceptable in my world. JMO

H1235

Your home is probably not the best environment for her anyway ( no offense). Two teen boys can make life busy. What will you do with mil when you want to go to one of the boys sports event of even just you and your husband go out to dinner. The only person with her during the day (you) is busy trying to work and not able to entertain or even sit at chat with her. There are danger’s everywhere stove, steps, tripping hazards (teen boys usually don’t pick up after themselves). How can you possibly keep a good eye on her and work? A facility has activities, privacy (even some independence) and the people caring for her are able to give her probably work an 8 hour shift and then go home (not 24/7). In my opinion everyone would be better off with her in a facility and that includes her. Some people can take a while for the reality of a situation to really sink in. I hope your husbands day at home was an eye opener for him. If not I would suggest a very serious discussion with him to explain your point of view. Good luck.

Merla

I'm sorry this sounds like a terrible situation for you and your family including your MIL. The way I look at is that most people with dementia never imagined they'd get dementia so they never imagined the circumstances they'd find themselves in or what staying at home would mean to their family. If your mil gave your husband POA then she trusted him to make decisions that are in her best interest in any circumstance she might face including those she never imagined.

I would start looking for ltc as even if you start looking now it could take while to place her. Your husband may be grateful for your proactiveness in a couple of weeks.

housefinch

Unless MIL has an investment account paying $200,000/yr in dividends to pay for 24/7 in home care, which is what she will need, she cannot make anyone promise not to put her in a facility. I know someone whose mom promised grandma never to put her in a facility. Well, now mom is 80-something, exhausted, and might die before her 102 year old demented mother. And my beloved friend is beside herself (50-something). People who ask this of relatives are not informed and asking the impossible IMHO. Best wishes for a solution that preserves your sanity.

towhee

Neeneej, welcome to the forum. Your husbands plan, apparently, was to find out how he could keep the house (or at least the money from the house) and then do that without considering that it might not be the best thing to do for anyone involved including his mother. There are so many problems here I can't list them all.

1. Does his lawyer know what they are talking about? Medicaid is tricky and the rules change. Unless your lawyer is an expert in the field, he could be wrong on some things. For instance, unless you live in New York, you do not have a 2 year lookback period. California is 30 months and all the other states are 5 years, and like Quilting said, if you want to use the caregiver home exemption you have to be living in her house. Also, if you want to use her money to make modifications to your home and not have it count against medicaid eligibility there are hoops you have to jump through. The lookback period does not start with her moving into your home. It has to start either after you move her home into your name or sell the home and move money into your name or whatever other financial moves you want to do to keep money from being available to pay for your MILs care. If the lawyer does not find that she is competent enough to sign a Power of Attorney then you will have to go for guardianship, which is a lengthier process, and has more court oversight. So at the very best you are looking at 2 years plus a couple months.

2. You are not weak. I knew what I was getting into and still ended up calling the Alz Helpline (good resource) begging for help more than once. Visiting and giving help is incredibly different than living with someone with dementia. It takes time to know what you are getting into regarding the amount of care she will need as she declines. From what you have described there is indeed cognitive decline, from whatever cause, and it will likely get worse. If you click on Groups at the top of the page, and scroll down to one called "New Caregiver Help" you will find a link to dementia stages, as well as other useful info re caregiving. Please go to the Spouse/Partner forum and read some posts as many there still have loved ones at home. You really need some idea of what can happen. Also, you need access to whatever medical diagnosis she has, and if she has not been to the doctor in a year or so she needs to be seen, with you providing updated info on her condition. There are ways to do this, and she will need a relationship with a primary care physician.

Bottom line is that it is unlikely that with a job and two teenagers that you will be able to care for her for two years. The people who are still working when their LOs reach the middle stages usually have to use adult day care and/or home care aids, both of which are expensive. So, if you hit the wall in six months and have to place her, and she has gifted you all her assets, then you have to pay for her care for the next year and a half or so, or you have to be able to return all of her money to her so that she can use it on her care before medicaid will start to pay.

This is hard. Sometimes the grief at losing a loved one (which is what is happening, even if they are still alive) hurts so much that you try really hard to make life better (or keep promises) for them, because you cannot do anything else for them, and you can be oblivious to everything else. Your husband might benefit from talking to another man in his position, there might be in person support groups in your area.

This might help. Teepa Snow -the promise- https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dmPQLf9IUN

mabelgirl

Wow! As you can see most of the community here think it was an unfair act your husband did. I can understand he did it out of love for his mother, forgetting that he was to cleave to you not her. My brother was sort of the same mindset in that we always heard my mom declare to us that we never put her in an “old folks” home. We tried multiple arrangements for her but nothing seemed to make her content. She was always crying and mean to those around and on the phone. We moved her into an ALF a few months back and we are so happy that she now seems to be content. Please share with your husband that a good ALF or MC are not what our parents feared, it is in my opinion the thought of being dumped and forgotten that they fear the most. We visit mom frequently although she will say it’s being months! Prayers for your husband to reconsider and realize he made a mistake not coming to a family decision.

Victoriaredux

Is the lawyer an elder law expert? Has he/she explained capital gains? As others have said something is off in the advise .

As for the "So she of course put guilt on her boys that she will never live in a nursing home- she will disown them. " I put that in the category of a wish - like when a couple toasts each other at the wedding reception " may we always be as happy & in love as we are today!" 10 years out - who knows , right?

Mama may have wished she would never NEED a nursing home , but that's not what life delivered. And the disease may have "disowned" her sons if the house needs to be sold to fund her care . But how fortunate as with that hard worked for asset she may be able to live in a better quality appropriate home .

And a 2 bedroom that houses 5 people and a workplace- that isn't it. [Plus can you imagine major construction with her wandering out the open doors , bugging the workers, and you trying to work in the middle of it all?]

The disease can go on for years with sleep disruptions for the whole family, incontinence issues [as you've found] —and more importantly your family comes first - keeping in touch with and track of your sons & their friends , building your retirement nest egg - like Mama did.

But 5 people shouldn't suffer for a wish made years ago- to herself. Getting her the right level memory care and keeping your family strong today is perhaps a better and more realistic goal.

You've tried it, doesn't work, time to plan, not wish. Good luck.