Wow, I underestimated the loneliness

APenny4You

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/226559#Comment_226559

Thank you so much for this insight. Every day I wonder why, but already know there is no reasonable answer to this. There is 16 yrs difference in our age and he is a decorated war veteran. I know how I need to be, but doggone life sucks!

henrietta

Boy I can relate to all of you. The loneliness, guilt, dealing with the finances is horrible and keeping things going. I keep hoping to wake up from this horrible dream. I hate being away from the house and I hate going home! I miss my DH so much and always trying to think about how I could bring him home. He is always telling me he can never find me and is always looking for me. This is so hard! He has went down so fast!!

henrietta

Same here there are 15 years difference between me and my DH.

SusanEL

I have been so lonely also. I placed my DH in memory care on 4/4/24. It has been so hard. Tomorrow is our 51st anniversary. I also have never been alone. Nights are the worst. I am trying to get some type of schedule, but I don't really want to be doing anything. I tried twice to go out and eat by myself and all I did was cry. I would love to bring him home, but he is in stage 7 and safety is an issue. I miss us doing everything we did. I just started trying to volunteer for a few hours on Wednesday where I used to work. I am hoping that gives me some type of purpose. I miss US.

Denise1847

Dear Friends who have recently placed your loved ones,

My DH has been essentially out of the house for almost 2 months (hospitalized then on to memory care). It is truly surreal to come home to an empty home. I have learned that when I look back at the memories or the person he once was, it only brings me sadness. It doesn't change the current situation and just freezes me in guilt, grief and loneliness. I may be circumventing the grief cycle, but I just do everything I can to stop thinking about the past. I learned this "thought stopping" technique when I had a stillbirth many years ago. It was the only way I could pull myself up out of the grief and start to live again.

This has helped me take stock of my situation. I am beginning to see that I need to rebuild my life again. I see that I have choices: whether I will allow the disease to take me down (because it was trying) or I will fight like hell to feel physically and mentally better. I realize I cannot change what has happened to my DH, and I can only work with what I have left. My DH would want that for me, and he would do the same if he were in my shoes.

I hope that these thoughts give a different perspective and prompt even a little strength to move forward. Please remind yourself that you have been in the caregiver role for quite a while, you have been doing everything around the house, taking care of your loved one and physically and mentally killing yourself. You have fought the good fight. You are very strong because you have survived this horrible ordeal. Please do not let this disease take both of you. I am sending hugs to comfort all of you.

SDianeL

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/226781#Comment_226781

thank you. I have been sometimes doing thought stopping but didnt know that’s what to call it. My husband passed Aug 12. Seems everything reminds me of him. Your post really helps. The grief is overwhelming.

Denise1847

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/226783#Comment_226783

I am so glad it is helpful. I wish I could give you a real hug. I know that grief and if I don't fight it, I know it will take me down and drown me. Please keep fighting, down succumb to its treachery. Get mad at it for it is trying to destroy you. Look in the windshield, not the rear-view mirror.

This may sound strange, but maybe you might find it helpful. For the past 6 years, I have wanted to make some changes in our home but haven't been able to because of my DH's need for consistency. The confinement and isolation rendered me feeling like a prisoner (due to a sense of a lack of control and freedom). I have begun a makeover project for our home as a representation of restoration of my life. It feels empowering. I have invited 3 of my neighbors over for lunch this Friday to express my gratitude for their kind words of encouragement, noodle soup when I have been ill, etc. I have written them a "thank you" letter. I recently listened to a pastor state that when you have gratitude in your heart, there is no room for other negative feelings. I believe that is true.

LindaLouise

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/226781#Comment_226781

Thank you so much for this concept of thought stopping! I just traveled for the first time by myself to visit out of state grandkids. My DH is in MC and this was my first solo trip but one I wanted to make to see my grands. I wasn’t prepared for all the memories that overwhelmed me in this journey we have taken 3 or more times a year together for the last 12 years! However- I used the thought stopping , focused on the immediate and I was OK! I did bring my little dog along and that helped, the kids were happy I was here and I now have some baby steps toward the next visit not being the “first!” So appreciate this idea- I do want to process the grief but also need to live the life I have without being crushed by grief… this helped.

Denise1847

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/227056#Comment_227056

I am so glad it helped. Keep moving forward with the baby steps. I am accosted by grief and guilt on a daily basis. The thought stopping helps me a great deal. I kind of get angry at the grief and see it as an enemy to living a quality life. I think we all have been grieving for such a long time that we have pretty much processed much of it but it will continue to linger.

PJ52

Thank you all for these posts! My husband is in the MCI stage and I already feel so alone, which is why I came here tonight. All your comments gave me more insight and lifted my spirits.

SDianeL

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/227056#Comment_227056

my son, granddaughters & great grandkids live in other states and I’ve been thinking about visiting them but couldn’t commit. Your post helped me. Going after the first of the year.