Six Months Since Moving

WIGO23

It has been six months since we moved two states from our hometown of 72 years to be near our daughter. DH has ALZ. I am still profoundly homesick! I miss everything I left behind, my older brother, our friends, our doctors, our dentist, all our familiar places and routine.

We are going back this week to visit my brother. He does not travel due to his health issues. I want to go but also am afraid my homesickness will get worse when we come back.

I have tried to make new routines here, get out to meet people but starting over is hard at any age much less under these circumstances.

I wake up everyday with this longing to go home. Will this ever end?

Nowhere

Enjoy your trip back to visit your brother! Is your husband going, too? I’ve been in my new state for one year, and it didn’t feel like home until just the past couple of months. I’ve made changes to the house, begun native plant gardening, and most importantly, I think, joined groups- library book clubs, a writing club, a local gym, and have just begun a part time job that I enjoy where many seniors hang out. I’m hoping to feel a sense of community again. It isn’t easy establishing friendships at this age, as doing so takes time and inner space. Hold onto your old friends by making time for phone calls and texts! They are old and gold, and connecting regularly helps, too.

Bailey's Mom

My DH wants to move to the small town that his brother lives in…only 4 hrs away but far enough that I won't see my friends or family again. Plus, his brother doesn't know that he has alz & I'm pretty sure he won't want to be involved in his care. There is absolutely nothing for me in this town, but I would be willing to purchase a home there if it would make DH happy…I am sure it won't though, so am fighting it. On other days he wants to buy a 50 ft sailboat and live on it, cruising up and down the east coast…I'm definitely not going for that! I feel your pain…lay awake at night trying to figure out what to do. Hope that you feel at home there soon…not what we signed up for!

harshedbuzz

@WIGO23

I am sorry. It's hard to move. Harder still when your DH isn't able to participate in creating a new friend network. I suspect, had you stayed in your hometown, over time friends would have mostly drifted away. Couple friends when your DH wasn't "fun" anymore and your friends as you have less time to commit to the friendship.

FWIW, my mom and dad moved back when he was diagnosed in midstages. They'd retired away 18 years prior and didn't maintain the friendships they had here. Dad's since died and mom is very isolated. We moved her into a 55+ community with all manner of amenities to no real avail. She's older than the average newcomer by a couple decades and invisible to them. I'm sure she misses her old homes but I'm also sure that they're not exactly as she remembers them and that what she's missing most of all was her DH as a vibrant and social creature.

HB

Quilting brings calm

it can take up to two years to feel at home in a new place. That’s for people who can get out and about, socialize, meet people etc. I expect it takes longer for people whose lives revolve around caregiving.

For now allow yourself the possibility of moving back sometime ‘after’.

jsps139_

My DH hates cold weather, so we moved to Florida to make him happy. We lasted 1 1/2 years before we happily moved back to Ohio. Not knowing anybody and none of the surroundings looking familiar to him did not make him happy at all even though he was finally in warm weather.
I guess we never would have known until we did it, but we are both glad we came back home.

I hope you make new friends and enjoy your new place. If not, is moving back a possibility for you? I can remember when my step-son and grandson came to visit us in Florida. After their vacation, they got up at 5am and left to go home. I was still in bed and a tear rolled down my face as he pulled out in the car. I think it was that day that I was determined to somehow get back home. I wasn’t sad because they were leaving, rather because I wished it was us going to Ohio.

A move is never easy.

Palmetto Peg

I moved twice for my DH with dementia. The first was from Hilton Head, SC, where we had moved when we retired. My DH was progressing in the disease, and had become very paranoid about some of the people we knew, and I was concerned that he might actually physically assault one of them. He kept wanting to move back to NJ, to be near his brother. So, we moved and I left many good friends and activities behind. We got to NJ, and guess what - his brother wanted no parts of helping to care for someone with dementia, and basically shunned us. So, less than a year later, DH and I moved again, this time to a Continuing Care Retirement Community near his daughter. I had managed to make friends near his brother, and was just starting to enjoy life there, but I gave it up again for DH. I am by far the youngest person living here, and we have a small apartment on the 4th floor, so I really have no outside access. My DH is now in memory care, and I am basically alone for the first time in my life. I am slowly making a few friends, but much of my time is spent visiting my DH in memory care, or just trying to find some kind of life here. If I had it to do over, I would have stayed in Hilton Head, and been more aggressive about getting medication for my DH to control some of his delusional and paranoid thinking. There are many memory care facilities down there, and he could be living in one now and I would still have the home I loved and the many friends I made. Think very carefully before you make a big move, and don't listen to your loved one with dementia. Their thinking simply isn't rational. If you have moved and aren't happy, seriously consider the possibility of going back to where you loved living. At the end of this long road, we will be the ones who live with the decisions we have made! Best of luck to you in your new home - it does take time and you will eventually settle in!

Bailey's Mom

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/227730#Comment_227730

Thank you for your post. My DH constantly wants to move (has jerked me out of my pot approx every 5 yrs for my whole adult life). One day he wants to move to live by his brother, the next he wants to find a different house in the area we live in, today he wants to move onto a liveaboard sailboat & is online researching them. He is basically driving me crazy with this, but I know that no matter what we do he won't like the end result so am trying to stay put.

Iris L.

Bailey's Mom, you must come to appreciate that the way your DH is thinking and changing his mind is the nature of thinking for a PWD. Basically, he cannot make decisions, at least rational ones. It is up to you to be supportive and to validate his feelings. But you have to be the one to analyze the realities of your lives, get input from the members here who have been through what you are going through, and then you come to a decision. In other words, it's on you.

Iris

Biggles

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/227743#Comment_227743

My DH is also dissatisfied irritable and often angry having moved here 2 years ago to be near our daughter. Also ex sailors he desperately wants another yacht to live on I am constantly resisting this but I find it hard and depressing because I too loved our sailing years. He spends time looking at boats for sail and I have to be vigilant that he doesn’t press the wrong button! I’m removing some of his computer freedoms and it’s now ‘safe’. Thank you to all those who have given me strength to the fact that someone with dementia isn’t thinking straight.

Bailey's Mom

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/227764#Comment_227764

Finally…someone who knows what I am dealing with! DH and I sailed for 40+ yrs and lived on a large sailboat for 8 yrs. I loved it too…even though he now thinks I hated it and forced him to stop…so it is very hard to constantly squelch his dreams. I have to remember that he could not deal with the engine breakdowns, etc and would put us in dangerous situations with his impaired decision making…it would be a nightmare now and not what my memories are. We have a small fishing boat now and he can't start the outboard without my help. He also spends hours on the internet looking at yachts for sale…fortunately he has no clue as how to buy something online so don't worry about him accidently purchasing a boat. I would move to the town his brother lives in, even though there is nothing for me there, but know deep down that he would be as unhappy there as he is now. So…basically I am stuck in place, living day to day. Thks for your reply…I don't think anyone could understand this dilemma if they hadn't experienced a sailing life.

Biggles

Interesting Baileys Mom to read of your yachting history, our son (who is in denial about his Dad) said the other day if you haven't sailed its impossible to tell someone what you are missing and how it gets under your skin. We are now involved in 'Sailability' sailing for disabled persons I'm not sure how long it will last my DH gets so tired, anyway for as long as we can. They use small unsinkable dinghys and use a mini crane to lift people into the little yachts. We have just met a couple in their 60's who were sailing the coast living on their yacht when he was struck down with an infection that attacked his body and went to his brain and within 48 hours he was in intensive care and has come out a quadriplegic, very little speech and can't feed himself. They lift him into the yacht and he loves it. They have had to overcome so many obstacles and I couldn't help but think that life deals out some horrific blows, ours included, sad isn't it. All he wants to do is continue his sailing life.

Biggles

Bailey's Mom

I think it's true that if you haven't lived the sailing life you really can't relate. I'm familiar with the sailability program…we used to belong to a sailing club in sarasota that had it. DH still thinks he can sail a nd live aboard a 50 ft yacht and resents me for not going along with it…he knows he can't do it by himself. If we didn't have a dog who would never survive it, I might do it anyway for awhile even though it would be very dangerous and really a bad decision. We have no children, so making a bad decision isn't really as big a deal as it would be for some. I'm glad your DH is able to enjoy the sailability boats…that is a great thing for him to do.

debriesea

Biggles and Bailey’s Mom:

We, too, are sailers and cruisers. Met in High School. He and few buddies had Just built a Malibu Outrigger and we spent our dating years on that. Through our 52 years of marriage we have increased the boat sizes and eventually joined the cruising life on a CT 54. Sadly, that was sold last April. He was resigned but still says he wishes he had his boat back, although he wouldn’t have clue on what to do.
At the beginning of this ALZ journey, I was becoming a mess, crying on and off, trying to transition into what this “new adventure” was to bring. One day the song “Sailing” by Christoper Cross came on radio and I was already having a weepy day. I started crying which eventually led to such a gut wrenching cry that I came to realize that I was in what is called ambiguous grief. There realization greatly reduced my crying stages. About the same time my son and daughter stepped in and helped me to simplify my life to ease some stress They have been amazing. I’m more on an even keel now.
Next year my daughter and family will be moving aboard and starting the cruising life. I’m excited for them, and will miss them until I alone can visit them. I’m sad that my husband will never get to see their boat.