Six Months Since Moving

My DH wants to move to the small town that his brother lives in…only 4 hrs away but far enough that I won't see my friends or family again. Plus, his brother doesn't know that he has alz & I'm pretty sure he won't want to be involved in his care. There is absolutely nothing for me in this town, but I would be willing to purchase a home there if it would make DH happy…I am sure it won't though, so am fighting it. On other days he wants to buy a 50 ft sailboat and live on it, cruising up and down the east coast…I'm definitely not going for that! I feel your pain…lay awake at night trying to figure out what to do. Hope that you feel at home there soon…not what we signed up for!

it can take up to two years to feel at home in a new place. That’s for people who can get out and about, socialize, meet people etc. I expect it takes longer for people whose lives revolve around caregiving.

For now allow yourself the possibility of moving back sometime ‘after’.

I moved twice for my DH with dementia. The first was from Hilton Head, SC, where we had moved when we retired. My DH was progressing in the disease, and had become very paranoid about some of the people we knew, and I was concerned that he might actually physically assault one of them. He kept wanting to move back to NJ, to be near his brother. So, we moved and I left many good friends and activities behind. We got to NJ, and guess what - his brother wanted no parts of helping to care for someone with dementia, and basically shunned us. So, less than a year later, DH and I moved again, this time to a Continuing Care Retirement Community near his daughter. I had managed to make friends near his brother, and was just starting to enjoy life there, but I gave it up again for DH. I am by far the youngest person living here, and we have a small apartment on the 4th floor, so I really have no outside access. My DH is now in memory care, and I am basically alone for the first time in my life. I am slowly making a few friends, but much of my time is spent visiting my DH in memory care, or just trying to find some kind of life here. If I had it to do over, I would have stayed in Hilton Head, and been more aggressive about getting medication for my DH to control some of his delusional and paranoid thinking. There are many memory care facilities down there, and he could be living in one now and I would still have the home I loved and the many friends I made. Think very carefully before you make a big move, and don't listen to your loved one with dementia. Their thinking simply isn't rational. If you have moved and aren't happy, seriously consider the possibility of going back to where you loved living. At the end of this long road, we will be the ones who live with the decisions we have made! Best of luck to you in your new home - it does take time and you will eventually settle in!

Bailey's Mom, you must come to appreciate that the way your DH is thinking and changing his mind is the nature of thinking for a PWD. Basically, he cannot make decisions, at least rational ones. It is up to you to be supportive and to validate his feelings. But you have to be the one to analyze the realities of your lives, get input from the members here who have been through what you are going through, and then you come to a decision. In other words, it's on you.

Iris

Finally…someone who knows what I am dealing with! DH and I sailed for 40+ yrs and lived on a large sailboat for 8 yrs. I loved it too…even though he now thinks I hated it and forced him to stop…so it is very hard to constantly squelch his dreams. I have to remember that he could not deal with the engine breakdowns, etc and would put us in dangerous situations with his impaired decision making…it would be a nightmare now and not what my memories are. We have a small fishing boat now and he can't start the outboard without my help. He also spends hours on the internet looking at yachts for sale…fortunately he has no clue as how to buy something online so don't worry about him accidently purchasing a boat. I would move to the town his brother lives in, even though there is nothing for me there, but know deep down that he would be as unhappy there as he is now. So…basically I am stuck in place, living day to day. Thks for your reply…I don't think anyone could understand this dilemma if they hadn't experienced a sailing life.

Biggles and Bailey’s Mom:

We, too, are sailers and cruisers. Met in High School. He and few buddies had Just built a Malibu Outrigger and we spent our dating years on that. Through our 52 years of marriage we have increased the boat sizes and eventually joined the cruising life on a CT 54. Sadly, that was sold last April. He was resigned but still says he wishes he had his boat back, although he wouldn’t have clue on what to do.
At the beginning of this ALZ journey, I was becoming a mess, crying on and off, trying to transition into what this “new adventure” was to bring. One day the song “Sailing” by Christoper Cross came on radio and I was already having a weepy day. I started crying which eventually led to such a gut wrenching cry that I came to realize that I was in what is called ambiguous grief. There realization greatly reduced my crying stages. About the same time my son and daughter stepped in and helped me to simplify my life to ease some stress They have been amazing. I’m more on an even keel now.
Next year my daughter and family will be moving aboard and starting the cruising life. I’m excited for them, and will miss them until I alone can visit them. I’m sad that my husband will never get to see their boat.