I need help

Katcat

my husband will not shower anymore. I have to learn not to ask him anymore because it’s wearing me out. Shaving too although eventually he does shave. He’s sleeping until 2 pm. I wish he were ready for memory care meaning he will refuse to go. I don’t know what to do anymore. He’s wearing me out. I think I’ll get in touch with the person at memory care. I already gave a deposit. Any suggestions are welcome. Thank you. I wish he had a brother that could talk to him not that it would totally help but there’s no one.

psg712

I can't think of any family in your situation whose loved one actually agreed to go into memory care. No PWD feels "ready" to go, and most cannot perceive their need for it. The people who love them and are responsible for them (ideally with DPOA) make the hard decision and arrange for the move.

It's tough. I did it for my mom. For a spouse would be so much harder ... there are others here who can relate better than I to that situation. My heart goes out to you. Yes, talk to the folks at the facility where you have a deposit. Good for you for planning ahead.

sandwichone123

There is no time that a pwd will think they're ready for memory care. You decide, make the plans, take them there for lunch or whatever the facility suggests to get them in the door, and then you leave. Often it works best to stay away for a period of time until they get settled and feel like they belong there. At that point you can visit but they don't feel like they "belong" with you, they feel that where they are is home and it's easier to come and go. My dh was angry at first but after a couple of weeks I could take him out for lunch and he would be happy to go back home to the facility. They really do have a better life there, with failure-free activities and a controlled environment.

SDianeL

what sandwichone123 said. That’s how I placed my DH in memory care. It was the hardest thing I’ve ever done. Meanwhile read the book “The 36 Hour Day” which helped me get him to shower. The book says they don’t shower because they forget how long it’s been since they last showered, they forget how to shower, and they may be afraid or not like the feeling of water on their skin. So I told my DH that Wed & Sun were our shower days. On those days I would tell him what day it was and then I would get everything ready and got his clothes ready. I told him his shower was ready when he was ready to take it. It worked most of the time. If he didn’t want to I would let him take it the next day.

DDTANNER10

My husband is fighting me on showers. He has to shower everyday because of his toilet hygiene. I usually have to help him. It’s very difficult.

DdM

Elshack

That is an ongoing problem for many. Be sure the bathroom is warm and my DH liked when I put the towel in the drier so it was cozy warm when I dried him off. Another hint is to mention that after the shower he can have some ice cream or some other treat he likes. I hope you are in the bathroom when he showers as you will need to set the water temperature and maybe scrub his back etc. Re: Memory Care. It is never discussed before hand for sure. They will clue you in re: best way to navigate his first few days. I hope you can get him into MC sooner rather than later. My DH adjusted well and they actually get alot more exercise walking the halls ( with walker if he has to use one ) They have activities etc. From the sound of your post you are worn out which is to be expected. You will be a much better caretaker when you visit him as the brunt of his care will be handled by others. Please take care of your health. I would definitely suggest moving him to MC for his sake and yours. Take care!

Mint

Katcat I was wondering, do you have a primary care physician for your husband. The suggestions you got will work as long as you have a primary care physician who agrees he needs placed and will put that in writing. Still not easy but doable as my cousin and I did that with my aunt

I just placed my mom who did not have a primary care physician. I had all your challenges, worn out, etc..

I really was unable to do anything until finally one day something happened where she couldn’t walk and I called the squad and she didn’t refuse to go as she has in the past and I got her to the hospital. When I got her there I told them that she needed to be placed. It wasn't easybut it happened. If this is your case, let me know and I will tell you how we went about it, but if you have a primary care physician, you would work through them.

Katcat

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/228001#Comment_228001

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/228040#Comment_228040

thanks for your thoughts. I had hoped there would be a time when he was more out of it that would make it easier to put him in memory care. Thanks again

Katcat

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/228060#Comment_228060

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/228040#Comment_228040

Yes we have primary doctor and also neurologist. The other thing that sucks, pardon my expression is that the good thing is hubby has long term insurance for memory care, however the charge is out of this world and the insurance money will last maybe 2 years. Then what? unless well you know. At this point I am actually not caring about this because I'm just so worn out and need relief. also, the first 2 months I believe comes out of my pocket. any thoughts on this. Thanks

CampCarol

We have a long term care insurance policy with a 90 day “waiting period” before payments start. What I learned (the hard way) is that the best way to handle the countdown is to get an aide in 1x per week or every other week for 1/2 day or so. For our policy, as long as you have consistent care on a schedule, that will work. Unfortunately, my husband had been hospitalized and needed 24 hour care after he was released from rehabilitation. At the time, he was (and still is) not quite ready for memory care. I ended up with a huge out of pocket bill for 60 days of home health aides. He’s much better now, but I know placement is coming. As such, I have an aide for a few hours each week just to keep the policy “alive”. If I let her go and payments lapse, I will have to go through the 90 day waiting again. So check your policy carefully, or call the company to ensure you fully understand the nuances/ so you can avoid a giant bill if possible!

SusnaW

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/228029#Comment_228029

I have all these same issues. I cannot afford memory care, so it is not and never will be an option for us. He will stay here, with me, until the end. I agree, keep the bathroom warm, try bribery, be gentle, I use Srubzz Disposable No Rinse Bath Wipes (purchase on Amazon) they soap up nicely, I do use in the shower and I do rinse, but not worried if I do not get it all off of him. I have a Walk in shower, which we had installed at first diagnosis 3 years ago (he could help decide then). I clean and rinse him, and then tell him to take is time and come out when he is ready. He likes that, because it makes him feel like he is taking his own shower. He is now in stage 6 and needs help with all of his ADL's. I also use Equate Nitrile Exam Gloves (purchase at Walmart). Because, I cannot get the smell off of my bare hands, even with soap and water. He wears depends, as underwear, because he cannot wipe properly, not because he is incontinent, though he has had a few accidents. He is always more cooperative when I tell him we are going somewhere, or someone is coming over. I also only dress him once a day and he sleeps in those clothes until the next day (unless he spills or soils them). I hope that some of these ideas are helpful. It helps me to give someone else ideas, instead of dwelling on my own problems. It uplifts me.

DWTired

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/228134#Comment_228134

Susan, I'm with you..will not be able to afford MC, You have some great ideas, thanks for sharing, I will need them pretty soon.

SusnaW

Hi DWTired, thank you for your comment. I just joined this morning. I am so exhausted and burned out. Trying so hard to hang on, as things get more difficult everyday. He cannot entertain himself, so I have to think of ways to entertain him. Today, it is Christmas Movies! Yesterday, it was Gilligan's Island! Also, a ride out in the car. We live by the coast, so it is quite beautiful and he enjoys it. Going down to visit our Granddaughter this afternoon. Just finished breakfast, time for me to shave him, shower him, and get him dressed. Have a nice day.

Katcat

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/228088#Comment_228088

thanks for your input.

Katcat

Thank you. I’m having doubts. Questioning am I doing the right thing. Who knows if I’ll go through with this. I will be going to the facility to talk to someone who will tell me how they can go about this to get hubby to stay there. Ugh. I’m feeling like I dont know if I can do this to him. At the same time there’s me.

Denise1847

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/71149/i-need-help

Hi Katcat, My only suggestion is if he has to be hospitalized, seize the opportunity to tell the hospital that you can no longer care for him. Have the social worker involved to do a direct transfer to memory care. I assume you are the POA for him. This is what happened for me and it worked beautifully. My DH has been there a month and when he asked about home, I tell him the doctor says he needs to be there to get stronger and better.

catanol1

assistance with the following would be so helpful, how do I broach the subject of having someone come into the home for perhaps four hours a day twice a week for company and to assist with small tasks? My eventual goal is to get him to a day center that specializes in Alzheimer’s and my husband being very social, I think would like that. But he’s not stupid and he’s going to know where he is and he’s going to think that we’re doing this to him so we don’t have to care for him. I still work , and I need at least one of those days to work and the other one for me. I don’t know how to approach the subject, any ideas?