What is wrong with me? Or is there?

Quilting brings calm

Mom is most likely a few days or a couple weeks away from death. Yet I just feel numb…. Or I just don’t feel at all? Yes, she’s 86, with pulmonary fibrosis, on oxygen for 7 months now. And having had dementia for several years, and looking back, cognitive issues for a couple years before that

We lost our son in April of 2023. My step-dad died Feb this year ( I didn’t feel anything upon my step-dad’s death), and now Mom is going. Is it my numbness because I’m still grieving our son? Or because I wouldn’t wish mom’s last several years on my worst enemy?

I really need some of the stage 8 people to weigh in on this.

Carl46

QBC, I suspect your mind is protecting you. You have struggled so much for so long, and the mind can tolerate only so much stress. I think you will feel more when it is over. You know how sometimes you get through a life-threatening experience and aren't afraid until it's over, and then shake all over?

Losing your mother is never easy at any age. My mother died at 96 after six years in NH with labile hypertension and VD, but it was hard for me. I developed a benign heart arrythmia while she was dying, which went away a few months later.

I am so sorry for the loss of your son. My older son died in 1994, and I still grieve him.

Carl46

Please take care of yourself. Have a hug on me!

AlzWife2023

Time heals. Sending love.

harshedbuzz

@Quilting brings calm

FWIW, I wouldn't wish your last few years on my worst enemy.

There is no one right way to feel. I can imagine that this numbness you're feeling could be the result of having been overwhelmed for the better part of a decade with next to no help. The passing of your DS, the concern for your DH and spending quality time with him, the relentless neediness of mom and her DH and even the pain around your knee replacement. You've been tapped dry.

Or it could be you've not really had the time to fully grieve the loss of your son. The "guardian aunt" I mention here, was the go-to person family and friends rely on during a medical crisis or at end-of-life. By virtue of being one of the youngest in a big family, she's spent the last 2 decades assisting her four of her sisters as their husbands died of lung cancer, her brother who had pancreatic cancer, her ex-husband who had a brain tumor, 1 sister with SNP, 1 sister with cancer, 2 with dementia, 2 nephews (brain and lung cancer) as well as a successful treatment of breast cancer for herself. When the sister for whom she served as guardian died, she described feeling as you just did. She felt almost as if she was watching someone else going through the motions.

I know when my sister was sick and dying, I did all my grieving on the front end. She died from complications of HIV/AIDS at a time when the stigma was huge and there were no effective treatments. She shared the diagnosis with me but swore me to silence. I used to stay up late into the night sobbing by myself. For her, for her daughters who were 4 and 8 and for my parents who didn't yet know and were angry with her irresponsibility which had worsened when she was diagnosed. When she died 5 years later, I had no tears left. My mom reacted much as I did— she was too busy holding things together to visually fall apart. Dad, who lost his mini-me found his numbing agent in whiskey. FTR, when dad died it was more or less the same.

Give yourself some grace. This is hard stuff.

HB

H1235

I have not lost my LO, but have been through some pretty intense times. I think sometimes we are faced with so much we just can’t function without shutting down some emotions. Without shutting down in some way how would you have made it through everything you have? Also remember this is the long goodbye. You have been grieving for awhile now, maybe to the point that you are done with your goodbye??? As you said your mom has been through a lot. Maybe it’s a matter of, how can you be sad that this he## is finally nearing an end for her. You have been through so much. There is no wrong way to feel or not feel. It might be a good idea to see a counselor or have a number ready if all the emotions of the last few year hit you head on once she has passed. I’m so sorry you are loosing your mom, but I’m glad this ordeal will finally be over for her and you. I hope you can find peace.

SusanB-dil

I agree with others - I think your system and mind is just overwhelmed. Sooooo very much going on, and in such a short-ish time.

Do be careful and be good to yourself - and please be prepared and don't be surprised if it all just 'hits' you all at once.

((HUGS))

tigersmom

@Quilting brings calm , you have had a tremendous amount of loss in a very short time, and the part you are living through now with your mom is terrible. I lived through it with my husband two months ago, and it was the hardest part of his disease. It is ok to feel whatever you are feeling, or not feeling. Don’t question it. I promise you, when your mom leaves, it will change again. I am sorry that you are going through this now, and for the terrible losses you have recently experienced. As my husband used to say about his illness, “it’s all too much.” Wishing you strength and sending you a hug.

GothicGremlin

I’m still grieving our son?

Probably? In my experience, grief takes a long time before it becomes manageable. And feelings pop up when you least expect it, even years later. And somehow, it's probably affecting you now.

Or because I wouldn’t wish mom’s last several years on my worst enemy?

This is probably true too. I know I wouldn't wish any of this on anyone.

And I think that Alzheimer's is its own beast. My sister had it for 5 1/2 years before she passed away, and I grieved for her every time we hit a new milestone. By the end, I wouldn't say I was numb, but I had fully accepted where we were, and I was glad it was over for her. And that's a weird feeling too - you don't want them dead, but you don't want them to suffer either. And with Alzheimer's, there's only one way out. That really messed with me. It took from March (when she passed) until July before I felt like I was over that first wave of grief.

You have so much going on …. I don't think there is anything wrong with you at all. I think you're doing the best you can under really difficult circumstances.

I'm so sorry about your son and your step-dad.

dayn2nite2

The numbness is a protection of sorts, but then again you have experienced a trauma that far surpasses the death of a parent (the death of your son). I hate "ranking" deaths, but we do expect our parents to go before us - not so for our children. I think your mind is just on automatic pilot right now, doing the things that needed doing.

I can say that while I have not lost a child, when my mother was dying the hospice social worker and chaplain came to me and asked if my mother would want Last Rites (we are Catholic) and my answer was "oh, I would hate for her to wake up with a priest standing over her like that" A day later in the middle of the night my brain finally realized. SHE IS ACTUALLY DYING, THAT IS WHAT THEY WERE TRYING TO TELL ME. But during that time, I wasn't crying, I was just doing what needed and talking to her while she was in a coma. I was remarkably calm watching her die, notified the nurses that she had, and I left shortly afterward. All I said to myself in the car was "I wasn't ready." and I didn't cry for a few days.

H1235

We went to an amusement park this summer with the grandkids. We had a great time. It was the first time we have been away in years. I have reluctantly been on the big coaster years ago, with much trepidation. I went on one of the biggest coasters there this time and felt nothing. No fear, no thrill no excitement, just nothing. I think my life is a much scarier roller coaster ride right now. I really understand that numb feeling.

housefinch

I agree you’re probably in survival mode. Get up, breathe in, breathe out, go to bed. Repeat. I am so sorry you’re facing such a difficult series of losses. I can’t even imagine losing a child. I hope that, after your family member dies, you can eventually get some rest and the mind space to process all those events so you can feel better. Sometimes all you can do is survive. Sending you hugs.

Carl46

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/229033#Comment_229033

You are so right. Losing my mother at 96 was hard. Losing my son at 24 nearly killed me. Would have killed me if I didn't have people depending on me.