What is wrong with me? Or is there?

Please take care of yourself. Have a hug on me!

@Quilting brings calm

FWIW, I wouldn't wish your last few years on my worst enemy.

There is no one right way to feel. I can imagine that this numbness you're feeling could be the result of having been overwhelmed for the better part of a decade with next to no help. The passing of your DS, the concern for your DH and spending quality time with him, the relentless neediness of mom and her DH and even the pain around your knee replacement. You've been tapped dry.

Or it could be you've not really had the time to fully grieve the loss of your son. The "guardian aunt" I mention here, was the go-to person family and friends rely on during a medical crisis or at end-of-life. By virtue of being one of the youngest in a big family, she's spent the last 2 decades assisting her four of her sisters as their husbands died of lung cancer, her brother who had pancreatic cancer, her ex-husband who had a brain tumor, 1 sister with SNP, 1 sister with cancer, 2 with dementia, 2 nephews (brain and lung cancer) as well as a successful treatment of breast cancer for herself. When the sister for whom she served as guardian died, she described feeling as you just did. She felt almost as if she was watching someone else going through the motions.

I know when my sister was sick and dying, I did all my grieving on the front end. She died from complications of HIV/AIDS at a time when the stigma was huge and there were no effective treatments. She shared the diagnosis with me but swore me to silence. I used to stay up late into the night sobbing by myself. For her, for her daughters who were 4 and 8 and for my parents who didn't yet know and were angry with her irresponsibility which had worsened when she was diagnosed. When she died 5 years later, I had no tears left. My mom reacted much as I did— she was too busy holding things together to visually fall apart. Dad, who lost his mini-me found his numbing agent in whiskey. FTR, when dad died it was more or less the same.

Give yourself some grace. This is hard stuff.

HB

I agree with others - I think your system and mind is just overwhelmed. Sooooo very much going on, and in such a short-ish time.

Do be careful and be good to yourself - and please be prepared and don't be surprised if it all just 'hits' you all at once.

((HUGS))

I’m still grieving our son?

Probably? In my experience, grief takes a long time before it becomes manageable. And feelings pop up when you least expect it, even years later. And somehow, it's probably affecting you now.

Or because I wouldn’t wish mom’s last several years on my worst enemy?

This is probably true too. I know I wouldn't wish any of this on anyone.

And I think that Alzheimer's is its own beast. My sister had it for 5 1/2 years before she passed away, and I grieved for her every time we hit a new milestone. By the end, I wouldn't say I was numb, but I had fully accepted where we were, and I was glad it was over for her. And that's a weird feeling too - you don't want them dead, but you don't want them to suffer either. And with Alzheimer's, there's only one way out. That really messed with me. It took from March (when she passed) until July before I felt like I was over that first wave of grief.

You have so much going on …. I don't think there is anything wrong with you at all. I think you're doing the best you can under really difficult circumstances.

I'm so sorry about your son and your step-dad.

We went to an amusement park this summer with the grandkids. We had a great time. It was the first time we have been away in years. I have reluctantly been on the big coaster years ago, with much trepidation. I went on one of the biggest coasters there this time and felt nothing. No fear, no thrill no excitement, just nothing. I think my life is a much scarier roller coaster ride right now. I really understand that numb feeling.

You are so right. Losing my mother at 96 was hard. Losing my son at 24 nearly killed me. Would have killed me if I didn't have people depending on me.