Do they need to take any responsibility???

mathreader

Everything I read says that a person with Alzheimers can't help how they act and react. As a caretaker I am encouraged to be calm, take the blame for whatever, and always be patient and never argue. But my question is, do they lose all obligation to try to be positive and kind? I'm so tired of the negativity. I get it, but being Pollyanna has its disadvantages. If they are aware, shouldn't they know enough to try to be happy and to find some joy in life? Shouldn't they be able to find something to keep them busy for at least a little while? Maybe I'm expecting too much but it is so hard to always help with everything, and then, if I have a project or am on the phone, to expect me to never have time to do anything by myself?

Crushed

I hate to tell you this but the answer is NO. They will think crazy things do crazy things and their emotions are not rational. They cannot keep themselves busy just to help you.
They exist in their own world. I was the sole caretaker for my wife for seven years .
In early years when I taught a class she came . at consulting meetings she came There was always someone to take her away if she lost focus . My best friend sat with her when I gave a lecture in Vienna and a conference in Edinburgh, I stopped all professional work when she got psychotic and finally she went into memory care. That was seven years ago Sh e was a physician and well known in her field. She is 72 today

GothicGremlin

I am so sorry, @mathreader , but yeah, it is too much to ask of them. I wish I had a different answer, but I don't.

Their brains are damaged, and as the dementia (of whatever type) progresses, their brains become even more damaged. And yes, they're aware, but not always in the way we are. After my sister passed away, I finally had time to read a book that had been in my queue for quite some time, On Pluto: Inside The Mind Of Alzheimer's, by Greg O'Brien. He was diagnosed with early-onset Alzheimer's (like my sister), and he discusses what it's like to live with that disease. He discusses how exhausting Alzheimer's is, and how hard it is to try to hold it together. So what you might be seeing is your LO trying to hold it together, maybe failing, and then getting frustrated. Imagine that existence every day.

I had all of the same issues as you do, and I suspect most others do as well. There are ways to cope, and maybe get a little more time for yourself — I had a therapist I saw once a month. She was great. When my sister was still at home I brought in a couple of caregivers to keep her company, cook food, etc. Some people use adult day care instead of caregivers in the home - we didn't have that in our area, otherwise I would have tried that. Eventually I ended up needing to place her in memory care. None of these were things I wanted to do, but I did what was necessary at each stage.

Everything about this disease sucks, absolutely everything. I'm so sorry.

mathreader

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/228884#Comment_228884

Thank you for your honest reply. I am coming to terms with so much of this. It's a thankless job, but I want to do my best.

mathreader

Thank you for your response.. Sad as it is, it's helpful.

Carl46

They don't like being this way. My wife told me today I was a "good guy" because "you know things and I don't." No one wants to be in that position, but she's stuck with it until it gets even worse.

GothicGremlin

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/228887#Comment_228887

It's difficult to come to terms with all of this, and yes, it's a thankless job. And please, don't be too hard on yourself.

Quilting brings calm

Tam Cummings DBAT charts tell us that PWD regress so that they function much as a child does. Once they regress far enough, they aren’t able to take responsibility any more than a toddler, or grade school child would.

I know you are just venting, and it’s rough being the parent of an adult. We totally understand

BPS

I understand how you feel there are thing that have happened that I just want to know why or for her to accept responsibility for. I have thought that if I say it right or on the right day maybe we can connect on what matters to me. We never did and now I wouldn't have any confidence in what she said anyway. I still want the same things but have given up on trying to get answers or for her to accept responsibility. At least most of the time, because sometimes I still think about how to approach her, then I realize it is pointless. So many things left unresolved.

AlzWife2023

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/228890#Comment_228890

Similarly, my DH tells me how much he loves me, thanks me, tells me I’m a genius etc which shows me that he realizes how much he’s lost and how much I do for him. The irony is that all this thanking me and trying to kiss me is very, very annoying and uncomfortable for me because he gets obsessive. He can’t help me or support me in any way anymore, but he does try to do the dishes. Today he did all of them. He’s trying to be his old self but he can’t. It’s normal for spousal caregivers to lose patience and feel abandoned. I’d like to know more about how the patient feels and thinks.

AlzWife2023

it’s really hard to understand and believe that the person who was your partner is disabled, enfeebled, confused, and deteriorating. I’m just getting my head around it myself. Getting time off for yourself is crucial. The sad truth is that we must separate and loose the idea that our PWD is still our partner. At least that’s what I’ve realized.

SDianeL

you can’t reason with someone whose reasoner is broken. They no longer can control their emotions. Their world is falling apart. They take it out on you because you are their caregiver. It helped me to see my DH as my patient and me his nurse rather than us being a couple. I could be more objective and not emotional that way. Learn techniques to redirect him. The more calm you can be the better. There are books and videos where you can learn tips on caring for him. We understand what you are going through. It’s a terrible disease.