How to help Grands understand??

DWTired

My DH this afternoon just snapped and yelled at our grand-daughter for not speaking to him when she came in. Cussing and saying he was not taking that damn sh*t no more from her🤦‍♀️🤦‍♀️…. She is 12 and it really hurt her feelings and she didn't know what to do. I was a good buffer got him turned around and back in house. I explained to her that he has something really wrong with his brain and he does not realize what he says sometimes and does not mean to be nasty to her. I'm afraid they (grandchildren) will not want to come over because of his behavior. Never know what he is going to say, he gets angry if they don't do what he expects them to.

sandwichone123

Sadly, there comes a time when neither our LO nor the kids benefits from grandchild visits, and much harm can be done to the kids. You may be at a place where you need to see the grandkids when he is not around (either day care or home caregiver).

Carl46

I agree. Your grand will remember today for the rest of her life, and not in a good way. It is time to put a stop to the visits, for her and the other children. I haven't forgotten some of the things that were said to me when I was 12 and they still hurt. I know why they were said, but the hurt remains.

DWTired

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/229625#Comment_229625

I’m beginning to think so …

SDianeL

I would tell her his brain is broken and he can’t help his actions but he still loves her. Ask if she wants to visit again once she knows it. If not, honor her wishes and make other arrangements. So sorry.

Jgirl57

This has been very hard for us as well. My HWD/Alz is very grumpy with the grands and he no longer tolerates attending school events. The grands understand but I limit the interaction to avoid more hurtful moments.

Nowhere

Wondering if your grand daughter has been given a book about the disease to help her understand? Here is a list of books recommended by age of child from the Alzheimer’s Organization. It is important, if there are future visits, that she is best prepared and knows a little of what to expect and given some tools to help her communicate with her grandfather.
Maybe she attends a school that employs a school counselor with whom she could talk about his verbal attack? Most of all, I hope you’ve shared with her how sorry and sad you are that her grandpa reacted this way, and how if he was healthy, he never would have yelled at her and that the healthy him loves her. I hope she can understand she did nothing wrong and can let it go in time, but it’s understandable if she cannot. Another problem to be figured out is how will you stay connected to your granddaughter if she stays away? Don’t let the disease keep you away, too!

books-for-kids-teens-rl-2015.pdf

Mint

Think many good suggestions here. Think reading a book (s), talking with her about her feelings and giving her choices great ideas.

Remember someone on here in the past having a grandchild who was so thoughtful of her grandparent despite all the problems. But if different they may need to go-no contact. In my family they are pretty much no contact.

That being said, I think they need to have contact with you for you and them. Hopefully you can find someway to work that out.

harshedbuzz

@DWTired

I am so sorry this happened to your family and your dear great-granddaughter.

Sadly, this is not at all uncommon. Many PWD just don't like kids. Sometimes they struggle to cope with the energy they have or rigid ideas about behavior or are confused about who they are. Often it feels like the presence of the child represents competition with "their" caregiver. Emotional intelligence persists well into the disease progression, so your DH would have noticed your delight at seeing this child and perhaps felt threatened especially if you don't have the same delight are interacting with him. A few years back there was a member who was tag-teaming childcare for her pre-school aged granddaughter and mom with dementia. Mom was very jealous as the caregiver tended to plan outings around the 4-year-olds needs. One day when they were home together the grandmother sprayed the child with what she thought was Raid.

My own dad was pretty obnoxious with my own son. Earlier in the disease when he was more aware he was slipping and had correctly identified me as a threat to his independence he did all he could to upset me and keep me from visiting. They lived a 4-hour drive or 3-hour flight away depending on the time of year. He initially started with finding offence in all that my then 10-year-old son did as well as my response to it. This was pre-diagnosis and I was a newbie, so I gave dad one warning and then left immediately the second time he started. I visited solo and less frequently after that. I don't think dad saw my husband or son for 3 years; mom came to visit us instead.

He saw my son a few times after he was about 14. By that time dad had progressed considerably and the challenge was protecting DS from his confabulations. LOL, dad once told him a story about me leaving my kids in a bar to go have sex with some rando and getting a call from the bartender to pick them up at closing time. The kid's eyes were as big as saucers. He saw through the story as he's an only but his heightened sense of injustice (he's on spectrum) kicked in and pretty much destroyed any respect DS might have felt for him. DS didn't have much to do with dad until dad moved back to this area in the later stages. DS was a college senior by that point and able to have a more nuanced view of things.

By the time dad hit the late stages, DS often went over to do the sort of things around the house that require a strong young man. Sometimes dad would get snarky at me or accuse me of all manner of crimes. DS, despite being instructed not to, would come to my defense which is a violation of the rule or reasoning with a PWD. Strangely, by that time dad would smile at his grandson standing up for me as he should. Dementia is an ever changing place.

Next steps are on her parents to deal with the trauma of this verbal attack. There are books. Her pediatrician, clergy person or a counselor might be able to explain what happened. I suspect they will opt out of visits for now which is sad but probably best for all involved. I hope that you are able to maintain a relationship with this girl by seeing her in some other way. In that time and with maturity she may get to a place where she can understand the whys behind this assault as my son did and be OK with it.

HB

Beachfan

Of our 9 grands, the youngest (now 9), only knew her “pop” with Alzheimer’s. She became a pint sized caregiver, she loved him fiercely, unconditionally ; he could do no wrong. She fed him, brushed his hair, led him around by the hand, scolded and/or praised him. One day, around age 4, she tripped over a footstool and landed on his feet; he jumped and bellowed. To this day she remembers her beloved pop yelling at her. Thankfully, the good memories overshadow one incident and her recollections of him are vivid and precious, although he’s gone these 19 months. She is my lifesaver.

Happy Birthday, Pop. November, 2022

DWTired

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/229685#Comment_229685

Awww I love that!! Thank you for sharing that!!💕

Biggles

it’s sad but then everything about this obnoxious disease is awful. It’s taken patience and careful talking by our daughter about Grandpa’s changes. She has done it so well with her 3 boys 15, 13 & 9 (with Asperger’s). Although my DH let loose and yelled at one stage at the youngest with careful explaining they have kept up the kindest relationship with him and are very protective. I am careful not to overdo the contact but I think it is an important part of life, even if a little uncomfortable at times, so don’t dispare and don’t give up.

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