How to help Grands understand??

@DWTired

I am so sorry this happened to your family and your dear great-granddaughter.

Sadly, this is not at all uncommon. Many PWD just don't like kids. Sometimes they struggle to cope with the energy they have or rigid ideas about behavior or are confused about who they are. Often it feels like the presence of the child represents competition with "their" caregiver. Emotional intelligence persists well into the disease progression, so your DH would have noticed your delight at seeing this child and perhaps felt threatened especially if you don't have the same delight are interacting with him. A few years back there was a member who was tag-teaming childcare for her pre-school aged granddaughter and mom with dementia. Mom was very jealous as the caregiver tended to plan outings around the 4-year-olds needs. One day when they were home together the grandmother sprayed the child with what she thought was Raid.

My own dad was pretty obnoxious with my own son. Earlier in the disease when he was more aware he was slipping and had correctly identified me as a threat to his independence he did all he could to upset me and keep me from visiting. They lived a 4-hour drive or 3-hour flight away depending on the time of year. He initially started with finding offence in all that my then 10-year-old son did as well as my response to it. This was pre-diagnosis and I was a newbie, so I gave dad one warning and then left immediately the second time he started. I visited solo and less frequently after that. I don't think dad saw my husband or son for 3 years; mom came to visit us instead.

He saw my son a few times after he was about 14. By that time dad had progressed considerably and the challenge was protecting DS from his confabulations. LOL, dad once told him a story about me leaving my kids in a bar to go have sex with some rando and getting a call from the bartender to pick them up at closing time. The kid's eyes were as big as saucers. He saw through the story as he's an only but his heightened sense of injustice (he's on spectrum) kicked in and pretty much destroyed any respect DS might have felt for him. DS didn't have much to do with dad until dad moved back to this area in the later stages. DS was a college senior by that point and able to have a more nuanced view of things.

By the time dad hit the late stages, DS often went over to do the sort of things around the house that require a strong young man. Sometimes dad would get snarky at me or accuse me of all manner of crimes. DS, despite being instructed not to, would come to my defense which is a violation of the rule or reasoning with a PWD. Strangely, by that time dad would smile at his grandson standing up for me as he should. Dementia is an ever changing place.

Next steps are on her parents to deal with the trauma of this verbal attack. There are books. Her pediatrician, clergy person or a counselor might be able to explain what happened. I suspect they will opt out of visits for now which is sad but probably best for all involved. I hope that you are able to maintain a relationship with this girl by seeing her in some other way. In that time and with maturity she may get to a place where she can understand the whys behind this assault as my son did and be OK with it.

HB