Father's Illness Holding 23 Year Old Son Back; Need Advice

AlzWife2023

I am the caregiver for my DH with Alz. Our oldest son works from home and has moved in with us in the country (rural area) to help financially and practically. He is 34. Our youngest son (23) lives with our daughter (33) in the city and they both visit frequently. She visits every other week for 4 days & our youngest (23) works freelance so when he comes to visit he stays longer, usually a few weeks at a time. He has built a fence for us. He helps with big chores and he's good company.

I have tried to talk to our youngest about his future, career choices and plans but he gets very defensive and emotional and says he will keep doing what he's doing: working freelance, making some money, then coming up for a stretch.

I am concerned that he is stuck (and he says he is) but he does not want to talk about changing anything. He smokes marijuana and plays video games every day. He likes to work and earn money and he helps with chores. He's not lazy, but he has anxiety (he's on med) and I want to help him live up to his potential. I appreciate all the children's help but I worry that this illness—which has dominated all our lives for two years and could carry on for another decade—could be holding them back in life, especially the youngest.

I told my youngest that times passes quickly and we all have to live our lives and plan for our futures as best we can. I told him I am the one who gave up my career and I am their father's caregiver. I appreciate all the help, but the rest of you have to go on with your lives. He says he doesn't want to talk about it and goes upstairs to smoke some pot then comes back down all relaxed and hangs out with his dad watching sports.

Maybe I should not push him. My older kids are both worried that he won't live up to his potential. He's stubborn, has always been an underachiever at school, but dedicated to helping people and doing his own thing. He's dedicated to his family. He's very empathetic. I don't know whether to give him more space or push him more. I dont want to fail him or any of them.

Quilting brings calm

==Maybe I should not push him. My older kids are both worried that he won't live up to his potential. He's stubborn, has always been an underachiever at school, but dedicated to helping people and doing his own thing. =

Is it possible that what he’s doing now at 23 has less to do with his dad and more to do with his personality? This just might be who he is. Appreciate his good parts, but don’t enable him. If you don’t want him smoking pot in your home, then say so. Don’t just allow it and resent it inside.

AlzWife2023

Thank you @Quilting brings calm That's what I am thinking, too. I appreciate his good parts, very much. We are very bonded. —he's very different from his older siblings—older brother is an achiever and sister worries too much about him & me—He is young, but he's still an adult making his own choices. He likes helping me and his dad, but it's upsetting for him to see his dad fading. He does not seem to blame me/us for holding him back, I just want to be sure that I am doing what I can to support and encourage him. Re: smoking pot, he usually goes outside to smoke. I don't really care, I just don't know if it's doing him long term brain damage & I am concerned about his health—that said, he won't stop … certainly not just because I tell him or ask him to—I have tried.

Iris L.

Marijuana kills motivation. As long as he's smoking, he won't have motivation to move along in his life. I knew a man like this, it was a huge tragedy because he was very intelligent and had a lot of potential. He could find work but quickly got fired. Playing video games is addicting, also decreases motivation. He's very comfortable now because he is being enabled. There is the concept that partakers have to reach bottom before they are motivated to change.

There are Al-Anon groups for family members to help them understand. These groups help for more than alcohol abuse. There may be groups specific for Marijuana and other drugs, but probably not in your rural area. There may be online meetings and/or books you can read. I could not help my LO with this serious problem, but I did learn a lot. The main thing I learned was that I could not fix him, nor could I motivate him to change. He had to want to change himself. Eventually he did, years later, after a lit of heartache and disappointment and after all of his potential had been destroyed.

Iris

jfkoc

23 year olds today are not what we were…lol. No amount of worry will change that. I have had to learn that first hand.

harshedbuzz

@AlzWife2023

This is some of the hardest part of parenting. Accepting the child who lives with you rather than the one who is like those you're used to. At 23, many his age are not fully launched but I can see where the distraction of his dad's illness/your need for all-hand-on-deck could be an excuse to take next steps to an independent adulthood with responsibilities and mature relationships. Presumably, you and your DH set him up as you did his siblings and only time will sort him out.

The gaming and daily marijuana use would concern me as addictive in some individuals but not in others. I know plenty of folks, mostly men, who do one or both as a way to relax after they've done their share of adulting. What's his freelance work look like? Is it something he could build a career around?

Because sibling rivalry can be really ugly, I would remind the older ones that their brother gets to make his own decisions. If they have a concern, I would encourage them to approach their brother in a non-judgmental manner and leave you out of it. You don't need the mental load of their shenanigans.

HB

H1235

I’m going to show my age here. I think the younger generation overall lacks motivation and drive. I also believe many are emotionally weak ( or maybe just not emotionally strong). My mom has dementia and she is a hoarder with a full house that needs to be gone through. I have no help from my brother. My youngest son is having some major mental health issues. But if I try to talk to either of my two older children they shut me down and change the subject. They tell me it all too much for them. They are not helping or actively involved in any way yet it’s too much for them to deal with hearing about it? I hope they never have to go through what I am, I can’t imagine how they would get through it.
I would imagine your son is using the pot to self medicate and get through and emotionally difficult time. It’s good your son is being helpful. I think activity is good. Keep him busy. Maybe that means less time to mope and get stuck in his own head. Just an idea. Parenting is so difficult. Ultimately they decide how they want to live their life.