Wonder if I have PTSD after my dad died

TrumpetSwan

My dad passed away four months ago. I had moved him and my mom to an ALF approximately four months prior to dad's death. Their conditions at home had become unsafe.

For one thing, I keep ruminating about the status of their living conditions at home prior to their move to the ALF. In my mind, I still see the glaring red flags of decline. I see their disheveled appearance when they both once had impeccable grooming, the poorly maintained vehicle in the garage that my dad was driving around in and their soiled undergarments that were not disposed of appropriately.

Second, after their move to the ALF when I assumed things would be "better" for them, I see my dad's increasingly swollen feet from worsening heart failure and how he struggled to walk across a room. I hear their voices complaining about why I moved them. I see my dad crying as he knew the end of his life was near and I sat with him and wrote down his wishes for how he wanted his funeral.

Last, when dad died, nobody reached out to me. It felt like a complete betrayal. My sister had an attorney re-write my parents' POA and Estate Plan a few weeks before dad died. My name was removed from POA. My sister and her husband began immediately taking over all plans for the funeral and mom's move to memory care. Nobody at the funeral home would act on my direction that dad had documented for his funeral. They told me they were only working with my sister because she was POA (even though I told them POA ends when someone dies). It was my sister's power grab that left me with no voice. I ultimately had to let it go and stop attempting to correct matters as I noticed the stress was taking a toll on me physically.

Is PTSD after a parent dies common? Not only the actual passing, but all the dynamics that proceed it? Or, am I just an unusual case?

Other people my age lose parents, and seem to move on. It has been four months, and I am still ruminating. I feel like I have lost a lot. Some days, some moments are better than others but I am having a hard time re-acclimating to anything that feels "normal".

Thank you.

JeriLynn66

I think your feelings and experience are certainly understandable. Wishing you peace and strength for the journey. You did your best. Hugs, JeriLynn

fmb

Oh, @TrumpetSwan ! It's been only 4 months. These are early days. The guilt and grief go hand-in-hand and are going to haunt you for quite a while. Our lives are constantly changing and integrating losses and new elements. You never get over the grief, but you will learn to live with it in healthy ways. In time this will become your new 'normal'.

Looking at what you wrote about their situation and condition, you very much did the right thing in moving your parents. You took them out of a very dangerous situation and gave them safe living conditions and what comfort you could. Living in the ALF couldn't save your father; he was going to die regardless.

You can no more change the past then you could predict the future back then. Ruminating and heaping guilt on yourself does no one any good.

I am also so sorry that your sister treated you that way and that you feel alone in your grief. You did your best to have your father's wishes carried out, despite what eventually happened.

Yes, PTSD can occur in regards to a situation like yours. You may want to consider grief counseling or a bereavement support group.

There are things you can do now to help yourself along the grief journey:

Be gentle with yourself. Respect your body; grief is physical, not just emotional. Take good physical care of yourself, especially in this cold & flu season, stay hydrated and eat and drink in moderation. You need to heal.

Surround yourself with people in your life who care about you. Give grace to others, especially when they seem to say and do all the wrong things. Honor your grief, but also make room in your life for joy. Life will get better. ((hugs))

H1235

In my younger days I used to believe that hard work and dedication would get the promotion, that you treat others with kindness and respect and they will do the same in return. The sad reality is that’s not the way it works and life is not fair. You have been through a lot and things have not been fair. Im a person who tends to ruminate over wrongs I have faced as well. Things do get better with time. You can only control your own actions and it sounds like you acted in the best interest of your lo. I wonder if seeing a counselor might be helpful. Maybe taking on a new hobby or project, anything to get your mind going in a different direction. Exercise can be helpful. I hope you can find peace.

Quilting brings calm

You’ve been through a lot in the last year. First of all- you didn’t do this to your dad. The disease did. All you could do is keep them safe. And that’s what you did.

Then he passed, and your sister did what she did. That’s a low blow and a lot of hurt. But - here’s the good part. You get to just be a daughter to your mom. Your sister is now legally responsible for her. Don’t let her off the hook.

You need to heal you. Take several steps back. Rest, do what you feel like doing and do nothing when that’s all you can handle.

Jgirl57

I agree with everyone’s comments. You have been through quite an ordeal . We are in stage six and sometimes I feel like I have PTSD from stages 3-4. I do think PTSD is quite possible for you. You did an amazing job with your parents

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harshedbuzz

Trumpet Swan—

I am sorry you are struggling with this. I don't know whether PTSD after dementia-caregiving is common, but I'm sure it exists as a result of what some have experienced in the role.

You suffered many losses in all this— not just you dad, but also the memory of a better relationship with him. And of course, you've lost whatever support you might have had from your sister and others. You made the best decisions based on the circumstances forced on you by your parents "making a wish" instead of "making a plan" to ensure that they could have realistically and safely stayed in their home until the end by obtaining a robust LTC policy.

There is an injustice in how you've been left feeling given the care and attention you put into your decisions which must also sting.

In your shoes, as a PTSDer, I would urge you to seek some help around this. Some short term talk therapy and medication for a time has gotten me to a better place. You don't deserve to feel as you do right now.

IME, PTSD seems to lower one's resistance to further traumas leaving it harder to cope. I was able to power myself through my initial trauma though it did suck a lot of my ability to be happy in the moment. When I was hit by another event 6 years later, I fell apart, and it took a significant time and work to get back to a better mindset. That was almost 20 years ago and I've been mostly OK, but with the increasing responsibility I am feeling for mom's emotional and physical wellbeing (86, medically complex but no dementia) started to trigger me. The poor sleep, hypervigilance and short temper returned. This time, I proactively started medication which has helped a great deal.

HB

SusanB-dil

Oh, my... so sorry for all of that! I also agree with what's been posted.

You did the right thing for them... and you know it! Hate that sis is treating you this way, especially since you are the one that stepped up. Now time to take care of you.

((HUGS))

TrumpetSwan

Thank you everyone. In the absence of people in real life around me, it has helped a lot to have this forum to turn to. I do agree I need to seek out a PTSD expert in therapy. Thank you again everyone.

eaglemom

I was checking to see how you are doing. Report in whenever you feel like it.