My dad has dementia and my mom who was his caregiver justpassed away.

jkravitz812

I am struggling to support my dad who has dementia and is declining. My mom was his caregiver and she recently passed away after a 4 year bout with Pancreatic Cancer. My dad keeps forgetting she died and my brother and I have to retell him over and over. He gets very distraught but then eventually forgets again. He asks where my mom’s and wants to see her or call her. We are placing him in a memory care facility but I’m nervous how he is going to cope. Any suggestions to help us get through this?

Emily 123

Hi jkravitz,

I'm so sorry for your loss. This is a difficult time for you.

You don't have to tell him she's passed again, especially as it makes him distraught. It's hard on you both.

As the disease progresses memory is lost on a 'last in/first out' basis, so your dad may not even recall your mom's battle with the cancer. He might even buy 'she went to the store' or some other reason if it was in character for her—it may depend on what memories he can still access.

I think everyone's nervous when placing a family member, so you're not alone. Memory care will be able to support him. He'll be confused and disoriented initially as his ability to make memories is gone-it may take him weeks to a few months to adjust and find a routine. Sometimes people struggle to adjust-it may be a very nice MC, but it isn't where they want to be. But that's the disease, and not something that family caused by placing them—the disease requires a lot of vigilance and MC provides safety and security. Fortunately he'll be where there's staff that understand the disease and he'll have things to do. There will be other residents for companionship. Hopefully he'll have a smooth transition, but if you feel like he's hitting some bumps in the road don't hesitate to discuss it with the staff so that they can help him.

It'll help if you take some familiar things to his new place. For my mom's MC I took a few of her favorite pictures, a clock, some knick-knacks for a locked 'memory box' they supplied, and her favorite chair, side-table, lamp, and throw. I did take her hamper too as she recognizes that it's where her dirty clothes go. I wouldn't put anything portable that has a lot of sentimental value out and about--residents don't have a strong sense of mine/yours, necessarily. I've found Mom wearing some startling additions to her wardrobe from time to time.

jkravitz812

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/232806#Comment_232806

thank you for your response, maybe it is better to let my dad think there is a chance he will see his wife of 65 years again. I feel terrible lying to him but seeing his pain over and over is heart wrenching. I’m hoping the MC facility will be a distraction when he starts next week.

psg712

Jkravitz, very sorry for the loss of your mom and the stress of placing your dad. Emily has a lot of good advice. I agree with not repeating to your dad that your mom has died. My mom was cognitively intact (as far as we knew) when my dad died, but now with advanced AD she has made a comment that she hasn't seen him for a while. Apparently she has forgotten his death, but recalls that he lived. I just told her that he's away for a bit. That seemed to satisfy her, and I didn't have to break her heart with the "news" of his passing.

harshedbuzz

@jkravitz812

Hi and welcome. I am sorry for the loss of your dear mom and the reason you find yourself here.

I agree with the standard advice which is to inform a PWD of the death of their spouse once. If it's forgotten, it's best to redirect with a kinder half-truth or fiblet. Kindness beats truth in dementia. One many find easier is a simple "she's not here right now". If he has a phone, it might make sense to disappear it when he moves as sometimes these sorts of things act as a visual trigger.

Most people adjust to a MCF within a month or so and bond with the folks providing their care. We didn't bring a lot to dad's MCF and it was fine. We presented the move as a temporary rehab stay, so having it look like home didn't make sense. Over time, we brought in a couple family pictures. I don't think it mattered much to him— one fellow resident used to gather mom's portrait a few times a week which didn't bother dad at all. And tbh, I think the portrait of my sister and I (it was nearly life-sized) triggered hallucinations, so we took it down.

HB

jkravitz812

Thank you for your responses. We bring my dad to the MCF on Wednesday and hoping it won’t be too difficult to leave him. His dementia has been getting worse every day since my moms passing 2 weeks ago so we are very nervous about this transition for him.There doesn’t seem to be a better option.

sandwichone123

J, I'm so sorry for your loss. I think you'll be happy you made this call. He was going to have a transition at this time anyway, losing both his caregiver and chief companion, so making a transition that will work for him while providing care and a degree of companionship will probably work better than any other option at this point.

AmandaF

Hi there - we were in this same position, but it was my who dad passed away suddenly and my mom who we had to quickly move to MC. It’s a very difficult situation, and I am so sorry that you are going through it. It took about four months for my mom to start to feel at home in MC - perhaps longer than average because she was adjusting to the loss of my dad as well as to the loss of her old home/old life. Her phone was a major stressor - she was always confused and calling people (including my dad, whose phone I had), so we took it away after a while and she doesn’t miss it. In the end, being in a community has been very good for her. I wish you and your dad the best with this transition.

rqtek

Hey I can relate. My mother is going through dementia. A week before thanksgiving 2024, my older brother passed away. I had to be the one to first deliver that news to hear. She took it hard. Now even after the funeral there are times she will forget and I'll re tell her. Sometimes after I say it she will remember, and other times she will break down again as if its the first time. Its hard. I my don't know what to do. I cry myself to sleep often and feel alone. But you comment was the first time in awhile that I didnt feel alone. Praying for you and your family. Thank you for your vulnerability, it truly has blessed me

H1235

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/233231#Comment_233231

There is no need to retell her that her son has died. If she forgets consider it one of the few blessings of this horrible dementia nightmare. She should not be put through that pain over and over again. If she asks about him, just change the subject.

sdm55555

Hello,

My Dad passed away a year ago. When my Mom asks where Dad is, I usually say, “he’s not here right now” and change the subject. This has worked so far.

jkravitz812

Update on my dad being placed in MCF. He is actually adapting better than we expected him too. He is not asking to go home or leave but continues to ask about my mom’s whereabouts. We say she isn’t here and try and distract. The biggest problem is he gets up often throughout the night and wanders the hallways. The aid there brings him back to his room but he doesn’t stay. He isn’t use to all that walking and it’s taking a toll on my dad physically. Any suggestions for a good sleep aid that works?

Quilting brings calm

@jkravitz812

Ask his doctor for a sleep medication. Mirtrazipine worked best for my mom. Ask about anxiety and depression medications too.