My dad has dementia and my mom who was his caregiver justpassed away.

Hi jkravitz,

I'm so sorry for your loss. This is a difficult time for you.

You don't have to tell him she's passed again, especially as it makes him distraught. It's hard on you both.

As the disease progresses memory is lost on a 'last in/first out' basis, so your dad may not even recall your mom's battle with the cancer. He might even buy 'she went to the store' or some other reason if it was in character for her—it may depend on what memories he can still access.

I think everyone's nervous when placing a family member, so you're not alone. Memory care will be able to support him. He'll be confused and disoriented initially as his ability to make memories is gone-it may take him weeks to a few months to adjust and find a routine. Sometimes people struggle to adjust-it may be a very nice MC, but it isn't where they want to be. But that's the disease, and not something that family caused by placing them—the disease requires a lot of vigilance and MC provides safety and security. Fortunately he'll be where there's staff that understand the disease and he'll have things to do. There will be other residents for companionship. Hopefully he'll have a smooth transition, but if you feel like he's hitting some bumps in the road don't hesitate to discuss it with the staff so that they can help him.

It'll help if you take some familiar things to his new place. For my mom's MC I took a few of her favorite pictures, a clock, some knick-knacks for a locked 'memory box' they supplied, and her favorite chair, side-table, lamp, and throw. I did take her hamper too as she recognizes that it's where her dirty clothes go. I wouldn't put anything portable that has a lot of sentimental value out and about--residents don't have a strong sense of mine/yours, necessarily. I've found Mom wearing some startling additions to her wardrobe from time to time.

Jkravitz, very sorry for the loss of your mom and the stress of placing your dad. Emily has a lot of good advice. I agree with not repeating to your dad that your mom has died. My mom was cognitively intact (as far as we knew) when my dad died, but now with advanced AD she has made a comment that she hasn't seen him for a while. Apparently she has forgotten his death, but recalls that he lived. I just told her that he's away for a bit. That seemed to satisfy her, and I didn't have to break her heart with the "news" of his passing.

Hi there - we were in this same position, but it was my who dad passed away suddenly and my mom who we had to quickly move to MC. It’s a very difficult situation, and I am so sorry that you are going through it. It took about four months for my mom to start to feel at home in MC - perhaps longer than average because she was adjusting to the loss of my dad as well as to the loss of her old home/old life. Her phone was a major stressor - she was always confused and calling people (including my dad, whose phone I had), so we took it away after a while and she doesn’t miss it. In the end, being in a community has been very good for her. I wish you and your dad the best with this transition.

There is no need to retell her that her son has died. If she forgets consider it one of the few blessings of this horrible dementia nightmare. She should not be put through that pain over and over again. If she asks about him, just change the subject.