I can’t !!!!

JC5

Warning … rant coming! I am literally going to scream and there is nothing I can do to make this situation better! I have no privacy no space to call my own. DH is always sitting in our small kitchen almost in the middle of it all the time! I have to walk around him constantly to do anything in there. And he watches me go from sink to refrig to stove back to sink without saying a word! Oh and no more talking on the phone without him coming into the room to hear the conversation! Of course I ask him to go into “his den” so I can cook and he gets upset. Then says ok and back he comes. He doesn’t want to help me prepare anything, he just sits and watches!I understand his insecurity and need to feel safe around me but it’s driving me crazy! Please anyone how do you handle this I am suffocating!

AmmaT

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/71680/i-can-t

So so so sorry😔it’s good that you are venting & please continue to do so!!!!! We are all here to give each other support……..you are not alone. My DH has some similar behaviors & some others that annoy the heck out of me🙆🏻‍♀️I too am often at my wits end…….is he on any medication? Medication may help to calm his anxiety…..again, hang in there🥰

annie51

Some days I feel the same way about wanting to scream. Sometimes I do scream if he goes outside for a minute! But then sometimes I scream at myself for losing patience. My DH does many of the same things and it can be so annoying. No time alone, phone conversations are always limited as he interrupts to say something or show me something if I talk too long. I’m going to look into adult day care or in home companions if he’ll go for it because I can’t think of any other way to get a break. Other than that, I have to dig way deep to keep my cool, because I can see the consequences if I show any annoyance with him. He doesn’t realize what he’s doing and I have to keep telling myself that. Don’t beat yourself up over it. I do believe you sort of get used to it after a while. And rant here whenever you like!

WIGO23

The posted descriptions of behaviors of your LO’s and your emotions mirror my own. Then I throw in guilt when I react unproductively to his behavior.

I feel most days as if I am not really living—just going through motions I don’t want to go through. The really, really hard part is that my DH and I are only at the beginning of this disease. I simply don’t know if I have the emotional or physical strength to persevere.

Abby627

You are his security blanket and that is not something that any of us want to be. It’s frustrating and most definitely annoying at times. I think my situation is different because we have always done everything together. We ran our business together, played together, cooked together, exercised together. Everything! However, it’s different now. Maybe I’m just resisting the change. Have you tried giving him another job? What if you said something like, “ could you please help me get these dishes done?” Or “Dust the furniture”, “Vaccuum the rugs”, “Fold the laundry”, etc. I find that my DH just wants to help but has no idea how to. Suggest different things to him. Our neurologist told me that we should read out loud every day for at least 15 minutes. Maybe he could read to you if he’s still able to? I’m always trying to be creative to make him feel needed and useful.

SDianeL

We totally get it. They shadow you because they are lost and you are their anchor in their world that is falling apart. They are anxious and afraid. Sadly, this is your new world unless you find day care or memory care. I only did things when my husband was sleeping. That's when I made phone calls, worked on paying bills or played on my computer, read, watched what I wanted on TV. I gave him simple tasks to do like folding clothes or setting the table. I put the TV on old Western movies. Hint: On any topic, you can search on the Alzheimer's website and find answers either in the forum or in their documents. Here's a link to one about Shadowing: https://www.alz.org/media/cacentral/dementia-care-39-the-light-beyond-shadowing_1.pdf

Also did a quick search on Google and found this: "To deal with "shadowing" in dementia, which is when a person with dementia constantly follows you around, try to address the underlying fear by providing reassurance, distractions with calming activities, a predictable routine, and sometimes even recording yourself doing daily tasks to give them a sense of security when you're not around; avoid conflict and focus on understanding their needs rather than correcting the behavior"

__Dolly__

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/233043#Comment_233043

I can totally relate to your post because we do everything together like two peas on a pod (in our building, you won’t see one without the other). He helps out a lot in the house (my mom told me not to let him get tired by doing laundry). But I let him help out because it makes him feel good.
He also cooks dinner when he’s in the mood for spaghetti and when we’re about to eat, he takes care of our drinks (just diet Dr Pepper) while I work on the food. He likes it when he’s in charge of waking us up (I’m hard to wake up but he’s very nice and patient with me).
We’re still active members of our book club (he likes practicing what to say though before the meeting) so he won’t say anything stupid.
We love to watch concerts, movies and old shows in TV (he gets mad at stupid commercials) so Turner Classic movies and Netflix are our favorite tv channels. He likes to talk about what we had watched afterwards and even though we know that it’s fiction, we discuss how the script was and if it’s even believable and can happen in real life.

mrsdee13

Yes, yes, yes, I hear you, and Amma, you are not alone. I think you should scream. Release that anger and frustration. Cry and stomp; whatever you feel, release that feeling. You should not keep it bottled up inside you; it's unhealthy. This is not an easy life to live, and I can only imagine. I've only been living with my DH with this disease for about 1 year now. Some days, I wonder what's next. Please take a deep breath and try to get through the day. I pray for all of us living with loved ones with this disease.

CindyBum

Yep. I am at this stage too - shadowing, tracking my every move, telling me I never sit with her when I go for a drink of water for 10 seconds. She is relentless with it and totally clueless to the impact.

I, too, try to get things done while she naps. I also get up earlier, so really enjoy just sitting, drinking a coffee and watching the sunrise. At least I have those moments, but they’re not nearly enough.

Bailey's Mom

I was amazed when I found out that most of us deal with the same shadowing thing. My DH has a chair that he now sits in in the kitchen so that he can follow my every move and often is in the middle of things getting a drink, making coffee, etc. He has never cooked or helped with any housework, so having him fold or make anything doesn't work. I've gotten used to it and don't expect any privacy, even in the bathroom anymore. I also can't make or take phone calls…need to call my doctor to tell them that I can't drive two hours to have a meaningless test that I won't be able to follow up on anyway and need to call my elder atty but can't because he will listen in and interrupt…they are closed at night, so if they don't have email or texting abilities I just have to let it go. I used to be able to take the dog for a ride in the golfcart and try to handle business then (not easy), but now he always comes with me so can't. I'm losing my enthusiasm for pretty much everything anyway…can't imagine what shape I'll be in at the end of this journey.

Sjeffreys

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/233038#Comment_233038

I am having the same problem. The shadowing is extremely hard to deal with mentally and emotionally. I am in heart rehab at the time, so I can have time out for about an hour. My DH is also obsessed with holding, cuddling, waiting sex…which he can't do and I don't want to do. Often has fits of anger with me as the target. With God's help, I try to remain calm and don't start an argument. This usually works to some degree. I wish I had good answers but I am thankful you posted so I would not feel so alone.

Belle60

Same here. When I am home he always comes and finds me. While I am cooking dinner or any meal he will stand there and watch me. I usually send him to the living room to watch TV but that only lasts a few minutes and hes back. Sometimes the staring can feel right creepy but I just try to ignore it best I can. Fortunately, he seems to be out of the anger phase but can get depressed. I will ask him sweep the kitchen floor while I am doing housework usually knowing I will have to go behind him. Yesterday I was vaccuming upstairs and he came up and just watched my vaccum. I was on the phone with a friend the other day and he came into the room pointing at his open mouth like please feed me. Sometimes it feels like when my kids were little!

Sjeffreys

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/233098#Comment_233098

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/233152#Comment_233152

I've never minded being alone and now I crave it!! Sometimes I would like to be sent to "time out"