Dementia acceptance

ChristinaT

New here. My mother has moderate stage of dementia but does not believe or accept that she has it. She was diagnosed about 3 years ago and now believes she just has bad short term memory due to being 82 years old. She has transitioned from being angry and mean to making up false memories and rearranging the house every day. If we mention her dementia, she shuts down and locks herself in a room or won't speak to anyone. I've read that you shouldn't correct or argue, which I'm good at, but I don't know how to handle issues like her wanting to go to the grocery store by herself or driving when she doesn't believe she has dementia. She thinks everyone is just treating her like a child. My Mom was VERY independent and a free spirit, so trying to reign her in is very upsetting.
Do I bring up the dementia or not? She doesn't want to have the conversation, but she's declining fast and I'm not sure how to handle the daily details. My father is alive and lives with her, but he is also aging and unable to drive. The logical option is Assisted Living, but neither believe they need it. Oy!

mabelgirl

if we could get one wish for dealing with dementia , mine would be to solve the anosognosia symptom. If only our LO could see and understand what we see, it may make things easier on the caregiver. However there isn’t and thus we must deal in reality. Your mom no longer has the capability to reason, and so the caregiver must do the reasoning for them. It’s not gonna help telling her she’s got dementia. As caregiver you will need to do what must be done to keep everyone safe and healthy, not just mom. I understand how upsetting it is to deal with as my mom is very similar. She doesn’t leave her bedroom but still says it’s because she doesn’t have a car to drive. Now if she left her room 10 feet she’d need help finding her way back! You’ll need thick skin because if like my mom they can get verbally abusive. Try things like if she wants to go to grocery store say well I need to pick up something give me a minute and will go. You should do everything in your power to be sure she can not drive. Disable car or lock keys where she can’t get them. Basically I had to out maneuver moms wants to keep her safe. Only you can determine what works as each PWD is different. Prayers for success.

cgrubb78

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/233158#Comment_233158

Any advice for developing a thick skin, or does it just come with time and experience? My mother is angry and verbally abusive. It’s so hard to not let it get to me when she says things like “you’re ruining my life”, or “you should be ashamed of yourself”. It hurts when she says it and I also don’t know what the appropriate response should be. I know there’s no point in arguing or reasoning with her so I usually don’t say anything. And then it usually ruins the rest of my day.

mabelgirl

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/233168#Comment_233168

boy I wish I could. I had to take frequent breaks when she said those mean things to me. Kept repeating the fact it’s the disease not her as I took a walk around the block or down by the beach (I’d have my sister keep an eye through camera when I left). Sometimes I would just tell her that’s an awful thing to say, knowing she wouldn’t get it but it at least let me release some angst. My mom told me I should have died instead of the stillborn she had. I sometimes would address her as Ms Dementia to help me remind myself I wasn’t talking to mom but someone who can not connect the dots. Finally I also just tuned her out and let her have her tantrum like I would a 2 yr old. I also vented (often) to my sisters. There were times when she just pushed my buttons too rapidly and I would get loud at her. I had to learn not to beat myself up afterwards and know that I am but a mere human. Prayers for strength and peace.

H1235

Anosognosia is horrible! My mom thinks I am the cause of all her troubles. She doesn’t belong in AL, it’s my fault she can’t have access to her money, even the stain on the carpet at her house before her move was blamed on me. It’s been a year and a half and I’m still trying to get thicker skin, without much luck. The fact that she is still able to carry on a fairly normal conversation, still remembers family, and has no delusions or sundowning makes it even worse. She seems so much like herself. She doesn’t want help taking down Christmas decorations, wants a full size roster oven in AL so she can bake cookies, doesn’t want me to buy her a new bra, bathrobe, or clothes. Says she will do it herself. I pick my battles. If it takes weeks for her to get Christmas decorations put away, so be it. She is getting better at accepting me buying her clothes. There is no way I was going to allow a full size toaster over in AL. We tried a work around story (it’s against AL rules) but she saw through that and blamed it all on me. Sometimes the work around work sometimes they don’t. And when they don’t I know she is going to blame it all on me. I can’t say it doesn’t hurt, but maybe it’s a little easier when you know it’s coming.

Victoriaredux

"My father is alive and lives with her, but he is also aging and unable to drive. The logical option is Assisted Living, but neither believe they need it."

And they may never see or accept they need support. She shouldn't be driving and he can't. Living alone doesn't sound safe anymore. If he falls - what would she do? If a fire starts? A scammer gets them on the phone etc.

Did they set up legal paperwork — DPOA , healthcare directives , explore medicaid coverage , update wills , trusts etc. when she was diagnosed three years ago?

If not, try to get your Dad to discuss issues with an elder law attorney and then how to get your Mother to go along . You are on borrowed time now before something hits a crisis level - he needs a hospital or skilled nursing stay [ or sadly worse] —she gets aggressive , wanders , - better to get the tools in hand to avoid having to file for guardianship(s) later.

And you're right bringing up the dementia with her is pointless- she can't change anything to stop the disease progression and the topic is hard for her emotionally as her brain doesn't allow her to process that level thought anymore.

You'll have to work with your Dad alone and in private to get things started and he may view it as being disloyal to her . If she isn't now ,she may become incontinent in the future and that would be very difficult for him to try to handle with his health. Using that topic may help him to see a need .

Look under the Groups tab at the top- for new caregivers - there is a wealth of info there and you can talk to the Alz Assoc help line at no charge also. And always feel free to ask question, share and vent here .

Quilting brings calm

Finally I also just tuned her out and let her have her tantrum like I would a 2 yr old==

Basically they are like Benjamin Buttons… living their life in reverse. As they progress, they reason and behave like teens, then tweens, grade schoolers, pre-schoolers. So yes, you have to develop that thick skin that you had with your kids. It’s hard because you knew your kids would grow out of it … but people with dementia cannot.

Medications are vital. Anxiety, depression, paranoia, anger, agitation make both them and us miserable.