Alcohol and guns
Hi, I am new to this community and have been desperately trying to find a support system while caring for my partner.
we were both widowed 16 years ago when we met. Timing was perfect and we have enjoyed many years of companionship. 3 years ago I notices he could not retain complicated problems. In August he was diagnosed with stage/mild Alzheimer’s disease. His mother and brother also had/have it. He is 86.
We did not marry due to monetary situation for both of us. I now manage the money, he absolutely cannot, and meds.
He was a hunter and enjoyed his drinks . I’ve been trying to have him get rid of the guns but he get so angry when I mention it. Also his nightly cocktail seems to affect him so much more and he gets tired and even more forgetful. Last night we watched the Rams game and just before we went to bed he asked did we watch the game.
We live in the Murrieta/ Temecula area and would love to find an in person or zoom meeting.
I guess the hardest part of this is all I hear is it’s only going to get worse😒 I’m 80 and we had a great 10+ years. So here I am, writing to you all for information and support, what a sad sad disease,
Prayers for strength, Sandi R
Comments
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Try watering down his drink without telling him and see if he notices. Then he can still have it and it may not affect him as much. And if he doesn’t bring up having the drink, don’t mention it. As far as the guns go, don’t talk to him about getting rid of them, just slowly move them out of the house if you can. One by one. My DH has a few guns and they are all in the safe. He cannot remember the code to the safe and he rarely mentions the guns any more. For awhile he liked to have one in his nightstand. Many months ago I removed the bullets from it and he’s never noticed.
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Watering down the alcohol is a good idea as is removing the guns one by one. There is no reason to discuss this with him, just do it.
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And if you do not have your legal documents in order such as medical and legal POA(Power of Attorney), now is the time to do so. Do not have him as your POA, however, since his reasoning is now compromised.
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Can you remove a functioning part of the gun? Are they locked up?0 -
Take charge and remove the guns. It’s dangerous to have them. This Alzheimer’s website has an area for support groups that you can search. They also have online support group. If you can’t find it, call the toll free number and they will help. I found this forum was the best place for info and support.
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I don't think unloading or disabling the guns is a good idea. If he points the gun, or a toy pistol, at a police officer, that officer is going to think his life is in danger and respond accordingly. I had to call an ambulance to help with my wife recently, and a sheriff's deputy arrived first to provide security for the EMTs. Had she been armed and refused to put it down, he might well have killed her. I think the guns need to be where he can't access them, in a safe if you want to keep them for your use, or sold to a licensed gun dealer.
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You may consider having one of his friends he used to hunt with or even a police officer specialized in elder care/mental health come by and talk with him about removing the guns. Sometimes you need someone else who is in a position of authority to step in. alz.org/safety has information on how to best approach removing guns from the home. In the meantime, do the best you can at locking them up far away from him and keeping the bullets in a totally separate location from the weapon itself.
As for the alcohol, you can try watering it down or find a non-alcoholic brand that tastes like the real thing. In the MCF I worked at we had some residents that wanted a glass of wine or a beer with their dinners or they would completely resist eating dinner; we got non-alcoholic wine/beer, and I couldn't even tell the difference myself.
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Ty Hank you all for the ideas. I never thought about watering it down🤔as for the guns… we bought a safe and he doesn’t remember the code. Now driving is a problem as he is forgetting the minute he gets in the car where we are going. He passed the mandatory DMV test about 5 months ago. So I realized I have to go everywhere with him. I do have trouble keeping my calm that’s why I’m trying to learn all I can. He has 3 guns on consignment that his kids want to buy. He won’t sell them to him so my daughter said buy them from the consignment store… makes since to me. Yesterday he went out for The Hat pastrami sandwiches and came back with Jersy Mikes… 🤦♀️it’s a long and bumpy road, Sandi R
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I, too, was wondering when to get the guns out. I walked into the room as DH was pulling the clip out of a handgun when it went off. The bullet went diagonally through the bed but if it was pointed higher it would have hit me. My 2 adult kids came over and took his guns and knives and they are now in my son’s gun safe. My DH was upset that the guns were being taken, especially when he was not previously notified. It wasn’t until the next day when my daughter explained to him how scared I was that I could have been shot that he better understood. To him, I had just overreacted when I tried to explain. He brought it up a few times after that but all is good now. On the other hand, he was not an avid hunter.
This will not be easy, as is anything with this disease. My heart and prayers are with all of us, everyday, as we take on this job we never would have applied for. All of you are my family, as I read this daily to see first how you all are doing, and then for the amazing insight and knowledge that is abound here. I’m especially grateful for those who are in stage 8 and are able to continue posting.
❤️🙏4 -
Sandi- I'm sorry your partner is ill but you need to protect him and others from what the disease is doing.
With his memory , drinking and driving "abilities" he really doesn't sound safe to drive at all. California isn't exactly known for top drawer DMV testing . Just got an email Calif is making renewing a license over age 70 even easier so you can't count on them .
Are you listed as his DPOA & healthcare agent now since your finances are separate? Are you living in an area and a home [who owns it?] that will enable you to get in home help for physical assistance or respite breaks for you? If not , as painful as it is ,maybe having a talk , without him, about what his children [if any?] want for his future care may be good. Are his finances arranged/adequate if he needs placement ? Has a lawyer seen if he is set up for Medicaid - the long term care type- if needed?
If he has a gun or driving accident he could be financially wiped out. Even with insurance (good luck in Calif) they may not respond since he has dementia.
At 80 , you have every right to take a step back and evaluate what care you can provide physically . How much mental stamina you have to face the future . What he can afford financially etc. and then plan for the future. Yes it is a horrible disease .
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I honestly can’t believe I’ve found this site that means so much to me as we travel this journey.
So… my life has changed so much in the last few years. My son in law, (SIL) was diagnosed with inoperable brain cancer 4years ago, my daughter, his wife just finished chemo and surgery for breast cancer. I try to leave the house but now he needs care so I can’t do for my family what I need to.
my LO has a weekly nurse that our Neurologist set in place for us. We see a social worker tomorrow.
my LO always gets angry when I tell what’s going on when he said everything is fine. It will never be FINE again! Oh well, one day at a time 🤷♀️He has two amazing sons that are aware of what’s going on. Not sure how long we play this game, love and light to all, Sandi5 -
Love and light to you too, Sandi. I'm 78 and in a similar position, having to run my wife's life whether I want to or not and whether she likes it or not. Cest la vie.
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this thread reminded me of this song from Gigi
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I switched DH to a nonalcoholic whiskey for his nightly cocktail. He never noticed the difference and I had so much less to monitor and fret about
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Here in San Diego, not far, there are a number of support groups. Alz San Diego has a Zoom group evenings, that might be a helpful distraction. UCSD's Shiley Marcos Alzheimer's Center has various programs. Sharp probably has some, too, though I haven't looked there. You're in a place with a lot of good resources nearby.
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Loved your post. So true. Made me 😃
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I love this!!!
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well… one problem solved! All guns sold, rest lock in a safe he can’t get in. Working on the driving and selling one car. He seems to sleep a lot and doesn’t sleep well at night. He still plays a mean game of crib so we enjoy that time of normal… whatever that looks like😉
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Wow! Sandi you are getting things done! Great job!
None of this is easy and unfortunately, I am learning that every year gets harder.
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Please stop the driving, it's not safe.
I had a family member killed by an impaired driver.
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Darn @Victoriaredux you made my eyes sweat!
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Commonly Used Abbreviations
DH = Dear Husband
DW= Dear Wife, Darling Wife
LO = Loved One
ES = Early Stage
EO = Early Onset
FTD = Frontotemporal Dementia
VD = Vascular Dementia
MC = Memory Care
AL = Assisted Living
POA = Power of Attorney
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