To those with LO in memory care

BPS

My wife has been in memory care for about 9 months. She had a stroke 10 months ago. Our marriage has not been close for a long time, but she doesn't remember what our problems were. I would like to know how others are dealing with their spouses being in memory care. I feel kind of trapped. I can never go back and don't know that I would want to, but I can't go forward either. I am not caring for her 24/7 anymore but I go see her every day. She is about stage 6. She knows me but don't know that I was there yesterday, or what she ate 15 minutes ago and she has delusions. I spend a lot of time home alone not really doing much, reading or turning wood on my lathe but nothing that matters. I would like to find a woman that I can have a meaningful relationship with, but I can't. Is this an experience that is common or are other able to transition to a meaningful life while their spouses are in memory care.

Thanks for any input.

sandwichone123

My suggestion is not to see her every day. Once or twice a week is plenty. I also don't suggest trying to find a woman, but I do suggest doing activities every week that involve human connection and may lead to connections: things like book clubs or gardening clubs. Hiking groups, any kind of interest group that meets in person that makes you go out and meet people can be helpful in getting out of that "stuck" feeling.

PastorB

BPS, I feel for you completely. My DW has been in memory care for nearly four years. After spending the same amount of time finding lost items, going through the "no more driving" drama (two years), and finding her when she was roaming, to have her in a facility brought on a period of the worst loneliness I have ever faced in my life.

Finding another woman is not an option for me, but it is one other men have chosen. I now live alone. Our daughter and son-in-law live out of state and can only visit occasionally. Worse, going to see her escalated her own unhappiness because she wanted to come home every time she saw me, even to the point of concocting a story to convince me that she was unsafe.

I urge you to find something you can do with other people and make yourself go and do it. Waiting until you feel better won't help because your loneliness will only increase. You might even consider taking in a boarder or housemate. Having someone else in the house goes a long way to ease loneliness without getting into a relationship. I took in my sister for a while and then someone who needed a place to stay until he got on his feet. But no matter what, go and do something outside the house as much as you can. I also agree with sandwichone123 that it might not be best to go see her every day. In my situation, I had to stay away - no more than two visits per week - because it helped her adjust better. Now it doesn't matter how often I go because her disease is too far advanced for hallucinations and paranoia.

Making the transition from primary caregiver to observer of the care given by others isn't easy. Now that your LO has good care, it is very important that you take care of yourself.

All the best to you!

Bailey's Mom

BPS, I can understand how you feel. I have been married for many years, but they haven't been good ones for a long, long time. Now caring for HWD takes every ounce of energy that I have and I feel like there is no way out…what little life I have left is slipping away day by day and there is no joy left. My HWD is still at home, but if I were in your situation and I wanted a companion (which I don't think I would…I just want some peace), I would consider going for it…you only have one life to live and it will be over soon enough. Many people here are caring for the love of their life, but it doesn't sound like you are, so your experience is different. Good luck to you.

White Crane

Hello, BPS, my DH has been in MC for a year. We have been married for 57 years. Adjusting to living alone after all these years has been a difficult adjustment. The loneliness is like an ache at times. It helps me to be with friends and to keep engaged with other people. I visit my husband three times a week. He enjoys my visits and we watch TV or play rummy or sometimes he just wants to lie in bed and rest. I've tried to make friends with the aides and nurses and to get acquainted with the other residents. This helps me feel more connected when I visit. I teach a tai chi class twice a week and have joined a yahtzee group. We meet for lunch once a week and then play yahtzee afterward. I've also joined a zumba gold class which is fun and also meet friends for lunch every other week. Phone calls with my kids and grandkids help, too. What I'm saying is that I need to be around people. I need the interaction and the conversation. Finding my bearings and forming new habits and a new life isn't easy. Having another man in my life is not an option for me. I hope you can figure out what things you enjoy doing an then persue them with people you enjoy being with. Don't sit home and be by youself. You could even volunteer someplace and try to help someone else. Your wife is being taken care of so you really don't have to visit her every day.

B2ingua

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/235715#Comment_235715

I am going through the same debate. My DW is in year 10 of Alzheimer's and still sort of Ok. By that I mean she is in stage 6 and living with me. She can no longer read, write her name, tell time or know what most objects are like the remote or the bed or whatever. But is it my life to stay with her until the end? We are both 73 or try to put her in more care of full time care and see if I still have a life. My age group is often fighting heart disease, cancer you name it. I was healthy going into this CG job but feel like it could well kill me before her.

Dunno

“I want to find a woman I can have a meaningful relationship with, but I feel like I can’t.”

Why not? What’s stopping you? She doesn’t even remember you were there with her 15 minutes ago.

My wife has been in memory care for over six months now. She still knows I’m her husband, but I’m not sure she understands what that truly means anymore. When I visit her, she’s sweet and happy to see me, but then she’ll ask if I have children or a wife.

We got married in our teens because we “had to”—remember that old phrase? 🤷‍♂️ Still, we stayed together for 52 years. It wasn’t always great, but it wasn’t all bad either. And through it all, we made it together.

But I know she wouldn’t want me to suffer or be alone any more than I’d want her to. The truth is, the person I knew is gone now. I think she’d want me to move forward with my life. She’s well cared for in memory care—happy, smiling, and, in a way, living a new life.

The hardest part is letting go of the guilt. But guilt has no place here—it doesn’t change anything except to make you feel worse. I wish I could better express everything we’re going through, but one thing is clear: we need to let go. And that includes letting go of the guilt.

AlzWife2023

I have just begun to really see my DH as gone. He’s stage 6. I’m not holding on to a relationship. We had our 30+ years & our three kids & now he’s not anywhere near capable of having a relationship. I am not looking or rushing into anything, but I would welcome a date if one were offered by a man who held my interest. My DH is home & I have no immediate plans for placement but I sleep in a different room now & consider myself single. I’m not suffering the loneliness some others do b/c one son lives with us & the other two visit often. I don’t work other than caregiving which is a mixed blessing. I do miss the social interaction I used to seek at work but I’ve slowly learned to find new & much better ways to socialize: I attend church & the gym.

It’s been a long and painful process, to separate but it’s inevitable.

Denise1847

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/71956/to-those-with-lo-in-memory-care

My DH has been in MC for 4 months. I go every other day or sometimes every three days. Sometimes, he asks where I have been. However, as the time goes on, there is less of that. I am finding this stage is full-blown grieving. The realization that your spouse is dying, won't be coming home and the constant cycling of memories and sadness for the continued deterioration can be overwhelming. I am a Christian, so this journey has totally caused me to depend on God. I would encourage you to find a way to socialize with others who have your interests. Just work on taking one small step each day to have social contact, trying new activities etc.

I suspect that all of us are on a long journey of transitioning to a different life, but we do get to choose what that looks like. Empower yourself to get started.