New to group and majorly overwhelmed

woof1980

woof1980 She/her/hers / Ella Member Posts: 1 MemberFebruary 23 edited February 23

I'm trying to care for my grandmother from about 5 hours away. Her memory is declining quickly. I'm the only family to help her. I do have an aunt that lives 20 minutes away from her but my grandmother only trusts her so much and my aunt actually makes things worse. She lives alone and are working to get her into assisted living. I've taken over paying her bills. Originally she forgot where the bank was hut now remembers and keeps pulling money out. We have to voluntarily give back her car to the bank, she can't afford it and doesn't need to be driving anymore. I have no idea what to do about income taxes for her, have to sell her home, which I've never sold a home before. To top it off, she has 2 loans out for $14K each for things on the home, plus newly placed solor panels that she swore were free. Costing 22K over time. How in the world do I add all that cost to the price of the home and expect it to sell? Will have to empty her home out somehow too. All from being 5 hours away and nor being able to go there frequently. I've never had to deal with any of this before and am completely winging it. Both of my parents died at 47 and 67 pretty suddenly, so never had to deal with any of this. I know I have to keep going with all this, but I don't want to do this anymore. I have to be there for her because she helped raise me and had been there for all major events in my life. I feel like i have to do right by her, she has no one else.

harshedbuzz

@woof1980

Hi and welcome. I'm sorry for your reason to be here, but pleased you found this place.

There are a lot of moving pieces to your situation. The first piece is the legal one. Are you your grandmother's POA? If not, that needs to be done asap. If she won't voluntarily do that, you may need to go to court to obtain guardianship in order to take these steps. You'll need one or the other going forward anyway.

I would suggest seeing a lawyer who specializes in elder law. Unless you grandmother has a robust LTC policy or unlimited assets, you'll need to understand Institutional Medicaid in the state where she resides. In some states, it will pay for AL once a person spends down their assets; in others, she'd need to go to a SNF which means needing a level of care appropriate to a SNF.

I would suggest moving her to where you live. Caregiving from a distance is not really sustainable. There are professional care manager who can act as your eyes and ears if she stays near your aunt, but they're relatively expensive.

You can hire companies to do clean outs once you've moved her and what she'll need in her new home. My aunt's home had enough auctionable items, that her estate got a check after. I would suggest getting the most capable realtor possible to manage the staging and sale of the house. I sold my parents' places in 2 different states and a good realtor can handle a lot of this for you as part of their services.

Depending on the value of the car, it might make sense to sell it privately or to an outfit like webuyanycar.com. I got a fair price for dad's car using them— $10K over what the Ford dealer offered.

HB

Phoenix1966

I second @harshedbuzz ’s suggestion that you see an elder attorney first. Without the legal documents in place, you can’t do a lot of the things that you’re going to need to for your grandmother. Many elder care lawyers offer the initial consultation for free, so do “shop” around.

If you cannot take time away from your schedule, again follow HB’s advice to find yourself a real estate agent to help with the house. Yes, they will get a percentage of the sale, but well worth it if you are new to selling property. And a well connected real estate agent often has a network of associates who handle a variety of thins, like a clean out crew, contractors for minor/major repairs, landscapers, etc. Also, hiring an estate sale company might be worth it if your grandmother has any valuable items that your family doesn’t want to keep and deserve to sell at higher than garage sale prices.

I lived approximately 2 hours away from my grandmother and once I got her into memory care, I had to move quickly to sell her assets so that her care could be funded. She was a level 5 hoarder and it was a nightmare to deal with. I still remember how I cried, because the house was a disaster, when I walked the real estate agent through the house to get a very rough idea what her home could sell for. The woman was a professional and didn’t let the house’s current state stop her from seeing its potential. She gave me a detailed report of what I would need to do to the place to see a certain level of return. Once I had my “to do” list, I felt better because I had a path to follow and didn’t feel so lost.

But I still tried to be there and manage most things. My personal life and work life suffered for it, so if possible, I would suggest that anything you can hire someone else to do is worth it. You matter as much as your grandmother does.

woof1980

Thank you both for the advice. It definitely helps me with some directions. It's just being able to manage it from afar and taking it one step at a time. I will admit I am a inpatient person and like to be on the ball on things. I'm a get it done and not wait kinda person. Gonna be hard to have to wait on some things lol.