"Incident" in MC, what to do?

TrumpetSwan

I was told there was an incident involving my mother in memory care. Nobody at her facility contacted me about it. I heard it from one of her friends who called me to inquire about it, and she said she was told from my sister who has POA.

I called the Director of Nursing. In her words she said "Yes, there was an incident involving your mother". She then told me to talk to my sister for more information. I do not have any relationship with my sister, and contacting her is not an option.

Do I have any other options to find out more about this "incident" and any corrective measures in place, etc?

Thank you for thoughts, feedback.

Quilting brings calm

The MC is following HIPPA guidelines. They cannot release formation to people who aren’t on the list eligible to receive it. Your sister, as POA, gets to make the list. The POA makes the decisions and you are not a POA any longer, so that’s why you aren’t being consulted by the MC.

As the medical POA for my Mom and step-dad, and the legal POA for my mom, I would have been very upset if my mom’s AL allowed my absent siblings or step-siblings to make decisions for her that contradicted mine. I was the one dealing with everything and therefore the one with the knowledge of medical history etc. of course my family wasn’t interested in doing anything and didn’t care to be consulted either…so my situation is different than yours.

I don’t think you have any legal rights at this point. Other than if you want to take your sister to court to get her POA revoked and get yourself appointed as guardian. However you would have to prove neglect - which you probably can’t since your sister is at the MC every day.

Your best course of action is to somehow make peace with your sister, accept her faults and just try to help her with your mom. You don’t have to be your sister’s friend, but you can just actually talk to her and try to lessen her daily workload with mom.

harshedbuzz

I'm sorry you find yourself in this situation. I've been on both sides of this— daily decision maker who was challenged by one particular family member who did a drive-by once in a while and also as the non-decision-making sibling living at a distance who would have done things differently. It's hard.

QBC is correct that HIPAA may apply in this situation. IME, it's not unusual for facilities to have a designated family member through whom they communicate for each resident simply due to time constraints.

I would not leap to the conclusion that mom was pushed by a staff member; it's very possible a resident was involved and asked to leave or was turfed to a geri psych for meds management.

HB

Quilting brings calm

@TrumpetSwan I used absent because my family was …. That’s why I added the caveat that my situation sounded different than yours. You are going to the MC weekly, that makes you non-absent.

No matter how difficult you find your sister, you are going to have to talk to her to get the info about what happened to mom- for this incident or any future ones It can’t have been too drastic or you would have noticed bruising etc on your weekly visits. It’s possible that there was nothing untoward too but that she fell while someone was trying to get her settled, or up and about.

H1235

My sil was poa for my mil. We visited regularly as did most of the other siblings, but the sil gave her siblings almost no information or updates. It was not right in my opinion. I am now poa for my mom. I don’t want to be the kind of poa my sil was. I try very hard to keep my brother informed and include him in decisions. He wants to be involved, but doesn’t want to do anything to help, wants to be a part of decisions, but doesn’t want to visit facilities, gather information or do anything to educate himself about dementia or how Medicaid works. He has made my life hell. I have no answers for you. I can only say that you are not alone in dealing with a difficult sibling. Why can’t people just be reasonable!

terei

Incident could mean anything. If your sister is in charge you’ll need to get the info from her. H1235 is trying to ‘do the right thing’ + getting nothing but grief because of it. If siblings want to have input, they need to help….if they don’t, I would give them limited info + use my best judgement about how to handle things

nopost

H1235 -"He wants to be involved, but doesn’t want to do anything to help, wants to be a part of decisions, but doesn’t want to visit facilities, gather information or do anything to educate himself about dementia or how Medicaid works. He has made my life hell. "

This isn't a game show where he gets to hit the buzzer and have input - with no legal right to access and no effort being put forth , I'd phase out informing him. Reply if he asks but don't make yourself an extra job. Save your efforts for your Mom.

H1235

Unfortunately he would have no problems bringing his problems with me to mom. He visits once a week (with no responsibilities) and believes that makes him actively involved. He works full time so there is no way he could do more (and I’m retired and apparently have nothing better to do). He is the youngest, the favorite and can do no wrong. Mom is upset about everything (her loss of independence) and worries constantly. I have to consider what he will tell mom and how much it will upset her for every decision. He has a great relationship with mom, because he usually sides with her on everything (he is slowly starting to understand she can’t make decisions herself). I have followed doctors orders, taken the car away, moved her to AL, don’t let her have access to her money… She is not happy with me. My brother tells her this is what I (not the doctor) said needs to happen. I can’t control what he tells her.