When to correct?

Trgdm

Seeking soem conventional wisdom on when and how to "correct" my wife of 48 years. She is mid stages of Alzheimer's and is now most happy talking about her early years of growing up. I try not to "correct" most things but am wondering what to say when she questions who I am, how long we have lived in our home. She believes people are coming and going (we live alone with our pup) and are moving and hiding things. We have finally gotten her into a very good Day program where she will be "volunteering", which makes her happy. This will give me an opportunity to get in a group so I won't be bugging y'all!

Jgirl57

For us, it depends on the mood my DH is in when he is asking . At night he chatters while we watch TV and often asks about about us. I answer simply . If he asks how long we’ve know each other I answer just the number of years. Long explanations frustrate him. If he thinks someone’s in the apartment , I “ check” and tell him no one’s there. I only correct or redirect if it is a safety issue. Sending good vibes that the day program gives you needed respite.

Chris20cm

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/73601/when-to-correct

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/73601/when-to-correct

I didn't know there were adult daycare programs where DW might go to "volunteer." That could be a way to help transition her to assisted living which is nearly impossible due to her separation anxiety. I have to check this out, thanks for posting. She is in stage 6 and has zero short term memory and not much long term. She also asks every day how lot we have lived in this house.

Chris20cm

I meant how long. It doesn't matter much what we tell them, since it doesn't mean anything and they won't remember. I have heard this called compassionate lies, when we say what gives them the least discomfort.

Kevin54321

New to this forum but the best advice on “correction” was: Don’t correct, redirect…
It’s hard to do but saves a ton of aggravation.

ARIL

Glad you see some respite on the horizon.

You said, “I … am wondering what to say when she questions who I am, how long we have lived in our home. She believes people are coming and going (we live alone with our pup) and are moving and hiding things.”

The conventional wisdom is don’t argue, redirect when possible, etc. The examples you provide are different kinds of things, though. When she asks factual questions, you can answer them with facts. I am your husband, Tom. We’ve lived here 35 years…or, since we moved to this town. (If you want to redirect, you can start talking about why you moved there, what features of the house you or she likes best, etc.)

When she expresses worries based on delusions, you can try out things that may calm her; these may need to be minor fiblets. I’ll check; nope, no one is there; I think I moved that thing yesterday, etc.

Repeated questions are a symptom of this disease. She actually does not remember that she just asked. Relentless repetition is a tough one for the caregiver, but empathy can help. She is trying to orient herself in time and space, and she trusts you to help.

With respect, what we say to a PWD does matter. She may not remember, but you will. You will want to remember behaving with compassion and helping her to retain dignity, whatever that may mean in a given moment.

Carl46

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/248984#Comment_248984

I agree that correction is worth doing only with safety issues. If it doesn't matter whether Uncle Fred or Uncle Ted owned the piebald mule, why correct the narrative?

I did get a small dose of an antipsychotic medication for my wife when she became convinced that people I couldn't see were laughing at her. This was a source of significant distress to her, and unnecessary.

SDianeL

no need to argue. She can’t reason. Her reasoner is broken. Redirect, Distract, or Fib. Ask her doctor for medication if the delusions and hallucinations are causing her anxiety.

JeriLynn66

You're not "bugging" anybody. Keep posting, asking, responding. It helps to be among others with experience and compassion.

harshedbuzz

@Trgdm

It might make sense to talk to her neurologist or a geri psych about some medication to dial back her delusions as they seem to be troubling for her.

How to answer about who you are or how long you've lived there, are harder to answer. The general rule is to give the answer that brings comfort— what she needs to hear to feel safe and cared for. Trial and error might be your best approach. You could work your relationship into interacting with her saying something like "How's my lovely wife?" when you come into a room. If she says you're not married to her, you could say that you care about her and that she's safe with you.

HB

Trgdm

Thank you. I will say that even when she questions our marriage, she seems to feel safe.

Dio

In my case, nothing worked. DH kept accusing me of lying and making things up. So I stopped responding/correcting, period. This behavior stopped when a new behavior replaced it. What a roller coaster ride we're on.