Correction

annsullivan

How best to correct someone with memory loss ?

tonyac2

In my situation, we live in two different worlds now. My reality is not his reality, and being correct isn’t a thing anymore. If it’s a safety issue, then I correct. Otherwise, I answer with short answers, I don’t go on with long winded explanations, that’s useless to him. His brain isn’t functioning properly anymore so what’s the use of correction? I’ve learned to enter into his reality and it has served us both well. Hang in there.

charley0419

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/249474#Comment_249474

good advice ,

harshedbuzz

@annsullivan

Hi and welcome. I am sorry for your reason to be here, but pleased you found this place.

The TL;DR answer is you don't.

There are almost no instances in which correcting a PWD is appropriate including defending oneself against accusations of theft and infidelity. Full stop.

Whether it is a conflated memory (where the gist of the story tracks but the details of the who, what, where, when, and how are scrambled), confusion around an appointment, paranoia around others moving/taking her things or even adultery with another party you meet them where they are. Validation of their feelings, with an apology if the PWD believes you wrong them and a redirection to another topic or snack is generally the best practice around this.

Some PWD will seemingly get stuck on a topic repeating it. This can be a function of increased anxiety and may respond to a low dose anti-anxiety medication like Zoloft, Lexapro, etc. as they will be beyond learning and using the usual non-medical strategies to self-calm.

The only time I have ever seen a "correction of facts" be successful was with my own father and only around one confabulation and only when corrected by a 3rd party. Emotional intelligence and the ability to parse the feelings of others remains well into the disease progression. Not long after dad was diagnosed with mixed dementia, he started to accuse mom of all manner of infidelity in the crudest possible manner. The context here is that he'd been the unfaithful spouse in the marriage and the fact that one of his dementias was the result of alcohol use disorder. Mom was angry and had no patience for him at this point. He sensed her disgust and assumed there was someone else which pained him. Her insistence that she wasn't carrying on only escalated his upset and things verged on violence a couple of times.

On the other hand, I could sooth dad out of one of these moods by assuring him that mom loved him and was faithful because she couldn't possibly look at others with a gem like him at home. I laid it on with a trowel and it worked to calm him down his insecurity around being abandoned. My uncle could also reassure him of mom's devotion. But that was it.

The one and only time I "corrected" him was to goad him into a meltdown, on my schedule (I don't live with them), so I could send a clip of this behavior to his geriatric psychiatrist. Dad tended to showtime with his doctors, so this doc had no sense of the abuse mom was enduring at home. This quick video clip was to give the doc a sense of what we saw it home to justify an increase in meds without bringing it up in front of dad during an appointment. He had lost $360K daytrading early in his disease and conflated a scenario where I had short-sold his house on the golf course for $360K less than it was worth/kept $360K of the proceeds. He accused me again, I defended myself by reminding him of the truth and hit the record button. I got about a minute of threats and arms swinging at me to email. I got that 2nd 25mg dose of Seroquel I thought he needed.Folks here always suggested just validating the hurt and apologizing. I believed my situation was more extreme or unique and that it wouldn't work. So, I did the trial to prove them wrong. Once I stopped recording I apologized "for costing him $360K" and said "I would never do it again". He smiled and it was over. Silly me for thinking it wouldn't work.

HTH,
HB

Chris20cm

I used to correct DW a lot, especially when we were with other people and she would say things that were untrue or inaccurate, or embarrassing. Now I mostly just let it go. If it's something that could create a problem for them, I straighten it out later, not when she is there.
She claims that our neighbor stole their huge metal roosters from us. I told her many times we would never have such ugly things in our yard, but she insists. Now I tell her we will call the Sheriff and have them arrested. Then she laughs.

BPS

We are in a terrible position. If your suffering from physical abuse you should act upon it, but if you are suffering mental or emotional abuse the best response is to apologize for anything you are falsely accused of. In the non Alzheimers world that sounds crazy, but in our world it is normal. None of it is intentional but it still hurts and leaves emotional scares. What a journey we are on.

Carl46

It is fruitless to correct a PWD unless the issue involves blood or smoke. I gave up telling my wife Walter wasn't going to come work on our house, because she was sure he was alive and committing carpentry, a delusion reinforced every time she saw a white pickup (daily). I just told her I'd call him when he was home and fixed the problem myself or called a living carpenter. If a caretaker doesn't know how to fib, Alzheimer's will teach.

Her doctor prescribed an antipsychotic medication when she thought she saw people laughing at her, and no one was there. Telling her no one was there didn't work, because she could "see" and "hear" them.

Timmyd

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/73654/correction

One thing that I found helpful. In the early / middle stages, I would facilitate visits with friends and family as well as phone calls. I eventually had to tell people not to trust anything DW says as it became exhausting trying to correct everything she was telling people. I told people that if there is a question for which you really want an accurate answer, direct it to me and not to DW. Otherwise, just roll with it and focus on emotion and mood rather than facts and accuracy.