Hello!

FairlyOddFatBish

My dad was diagnosed with late on-set Alzheimer's dementia type with depression in October of 2024. Although I have suspected for 4 years before his diagnosis. I have been living with him for 15 years, so I noticed the changes in his memory and how his brain worked as it was happening. I also have a daughter with her own mental difficulties. I work full-time from home, so I am able to take care of my dad and daughter, but I feel like I am drowning.
My brother doesn't help, at all. And if he does help it's only after I practically beg for help and then his response is usually "have you contacted this place?" or "how you thought of reaching out to this place?"
No! I am reaching out to my brother to help with our dad! I am the only one that takes him to his appointments, that I schedule for him. I am the only one that orders his medication and fills his pill container. I am the only one that reminds him to take his medication. I am the only one that is making sure he eats. I am the only one that is doing everything.
I want to look into hiring someone to come to the house a couple times a week, to make sure my dad is eating, help him with bathing, and spending time with him while I am working, so I can focus on work.
When I am not working my dad spends all his time alone in his office playing his games. Then when I am working he is in the living room, watching tv, and napping in the recliner with our dog. Its getting harder for him to eat anything that isn't opening a can and heating it up, or grabbing some "grab and go" things I leave on the kitchen table for him
I did order some puzzles for he and I to do together, and have been making modifications around the house to make things easier to find and make it easier for him to move around. I am also working on getting him a walker since its getting harder for him to walk.
I need my brother to step up and help but I cant seem to get that to happen.
I just needed to vent.
Thank you for reading if you made it all the way.

SDianeL

welcome. Sorry for the reason you are here. It’s very common that family and friends don’t help caregivers. So common that a person on this forum wrote a post called “the Cavalry isn’t coming” There are many reasons why they don’t. I would hire a caregiver. If you haven’t done so, read the book “The 36 Hour Day” which helped me after my husband’s diagnosis. Soon your Dad will require 24/7 care and you will no longer be able to work and care for him. Even those who don’t work have difficulty caring for a LO with dementia in later stages. So I would get a Plan B in place. Either full time in home care which is very expensive or a memory care facility. Don’t wait to get your Plan B ready. Tour facilities and add him to a waiting list if that is the plan you choose. Meet with an elder care attorney who will help. Come here often for info and support. We understand what you are going through.

H1235

Welcome, sorry you need to be here. Wow this hits a bit close to home. I could go on and on about how my brother is lazy, unhelpful and really just out of touch with the reality of mom’s dementia. He has caused me more stress and upset than mom. Don’t expect any help from your brother! If you do you will only be disappointed. I have found the battle to get him to help is worse than just finding a way to get it done myself. He will not change. Honestly most of my posts are about my difficult brother. We often saw here never try to reason with a person with dementia it just will not work. I have applied that to my brother as well. I understand the need to rant. Have you and your dad seen a lawyer yet. You will want a durable power of attorney. This is very important. A living will and medical poa is also a good idea. I agree with sDianeL. You need to consider what plan b will look like. We waited 6 months for a facility. I assume you are managing his money now. In these early/middle stages a pwd can cause a lot of financial damage if left unchecked. I know a facility probably sounds awful. My mom lived with my brother for about a year. He worked outside the house and was often away on the weekends, so she was very much on her own. She was to unsteady on her feet to walk around outside unsupervised. So she was cooped up in the house all day. Some days she didn’t even get dressed. After the move to assisted living she had a reason to get dressed in the morning. There were activities and other people her age to talk with and share meals with. She wasn’t happy about the move, but she enjoyed being there. I think learning more about dementia will help make things go maybe a tiny bit more smoothly. I have attached some good links that may be helpful. The people here have been a great resource.

Staging tool

DBAT.pdf

Good article

understanding-the-dementia-experience.pdf