Looking for input on situation with my mom

lizlaurenmhc

Hi! My mom is 77 and has mid-stage Alzheimer's. She and I have always been super close. I wanted to share a bit about my situation to get some opinions on it. I live about 3 hours away from her, but since I work remotely, I go live with her every few weeks, for about a week or so. She is currently living alone in her house, and has a partner that lives nearby and helps her with meals and they go on daily walks.

She has been driving, and it historically wasn't a problem because she'd usually only go up the street to the grocery store and back with no issues. However in the last few months, she has gotten lost a few times, even having to ask a stranger how to get home.

Much of her is still REALLY there, but at the same time I don't think she always remembers to take her meds, and she sometimes doesn't think she is home and will try to pack up her car and go somewhere.

At this point, she doesn't always realize there's anything wrong with her, and a lot of what she talks about either doesn't make sense or is over a false memory.

She had a dog that her partner convinced her to give up (my sister took him) which was probably for the best but I feel like she is more restless now. That dog was her everything.

After her last episode of getting lost in the car, we decided we just need to take the car away. Her partner thinks that she should go into a home immediately (one that we've toured a few times). He is super stressed about being the closest one in proximity to her I think, and so a lot falls on him.

I guess what I have a hard time with is that he tends to think fairly rigidly, and feels like things need to be done a certain way. He hasn't been totally closed to my suggestions for her care — such as meal delivery or having my childhood friend that she knows come in (or any caregiver) and look after her — but he is dismissive of them. He thinks things like people that she doesn't immediately recognize coming in will overwhelm her too much. But I think even if so, having the social activity and extra safety measures when he can't be there might be more important. He said the "daily explanations of what's happening will fall to him" and he doesn't want that. So, he volunteered to take care of her groceries etc.

He does definitely care about her and has good intentions. He may be right about her needing to go to a home soon (and I've come to terms with the fact that that's maybe correct). It just feels like some of his thoughts/actions/behaviors are lacking heart or some kind of full consideration, for lack of a better way to put it, and that makes me more uneasy. It’s a pattern I’ve seen with some of his behaviors in the past.

When it comes to her care, I always wanted a more collaborative approach to make sure all options are on the table and me, my sister, and him are all equally considering every factor and choosing what's right for her based on her personality and future. But I don't feel like I can have that with him without bringing up my complaints and having conflict/tension first.

Another component to this: she was raised by a mom who had narcissistic personality disorder and abused her, and her independence is VERY important to her as a result. I worried if she would "thrive" in a small apartment in a building with a bunch of other people. Not too long ago she said, "they make everything so easy for you in these places -- they're TOO enabling, and then you just end up going there to die sooner."

So I guess what I'm primarily looking for by posting this is feedback on if it sounds like moving her to a home given these factors sounds like truly the right thing. It would be independent living first, at the recommendation of the facility director of sales. She doesn't qualify for assisted living because physically she is in fantastic shape and can do everything herself, and she isn't at the memory care stage. I considered an in-home caregiver for now, but I feel like it may not be too long until she needs memory care and that's too much to put on one caregiver. She does have enough money to be in a good facility for about 7 years, maybe a bit more, with her own money.

Sorry for the length and thanks if you read all this.

H1235

Who has the DPOA? She should live in a location close to that person. Even in Al there is a lot of work involved in making sure she has everything she needs. I can’t blame her partner for being concerned about being the closest person. That responsibility should fall to family. Based on your description of her symptoms it sounds to me like she needs assisted living. If she is having trouble remembering her medication how is independent living going to help? I am shocked she would not qualify for assisted living. Did they come to her house and do an evaluation? It’s not about her physical needs, but her mental needs. I would look at a different facility. It sounds to me like a lot of work and responsibilities are being pushed off on her partner. I don’t want to be rude, but you need to step up and accept reality here. Your mom needs help. I don’t see how she could be safe to stay in her home alone or in independent living. The reason they make things easy at Al is because that’s whats needed. You need to take some of her freedoms away to keep her safe. It sucks, but it needs to be done. You can’t wait till she has no idea how you are to decide to act. You said her partner thinks rigidly. She forgets her medication, gets lost when driving, doesn’t realize she is home, doesn’t recognize her symptoms and needs help with meals. With these symptoms he is suggesting some pretty obvious, reasonable solutions. He may not be very open to your ideas, because your ideas are not realistic and leave him stuck with a lot of the work. Im sorry I know this is a bit harsh. My brother has struggled to accept reality and it has made things so difficult for both mom and me.