memory care bail out

tucson anne

Well I thought I had done it. I placed my DH, probably early stage 6, in a local memory care facility. I had looked at every likely place and decided this one was the best. No health department citations, many many positive reviews. Chickens and bunnies. I had visited 4 times. It has lots of activities, though I knew he would not do most of them (painting,crafts, coloring, whatever). I ordered the bed and dresser, had them delivered, had my granddaughter help me set up, took clothes, linens, personal things, medication, and then drove him to the parking lot where i told him he was going to stay in this assisted living place for a while until I got various medical issues straightened out.

They told me that the chaplain/pianist would be with him that day; eventually she was and I left him at an organ recital, totally confused and very sad.

I wasn't allowed to visit for the first week; the reports, not very frequent, were that he was sobbing and asking for me, waking at night asking for me. No reports over the weekend (( had placed him on a wednesday). No call on Monday. When I did call late that day, she said I should come visit wednesday and that he was still asking for me.

i did visit, for another 5-6 days. He sobbed and hung on to me the first two days; later a bit less of that; totally confused about where I was living, why he was there. One day they told me he had blood in his urine; when I checked his depends there was dried blood and it was slightly dirty and hadn't been changed; no urinalysis for 4 days. He's on Eliquis, so that may have caused it. He fell three times the second week, one clearly at night with no one coming because there was blood all over his sheet (eliquis makes you bleed). His walking had totally deteriorated because he had to use a walker (their fear of him falling because he has bad knees and walks very unsteadily). Also deteriorated because of no exercise.

The facility has very caring staff, much going on, and many people seemed content enough.

The food was deplorable, but my husband never complains about food (or anything else).

I was sad and weepy all the time, hated visiting him because of how sad he was and how not suited this place was for him (too noisy, crowded). One day I found him sitting in his too cold room in shorts and a skimpy T shirt with someone else's lap blanket wrapped around him.

So I wrote a 30 day notice, a check for the next month's rent, and picked him up. Now that he's home again and so happy to be here, I have to deal with his decreased mobility and the lack of activities for him, but I've hired more caregiver time for me and we shall see. There are several really good small home complexes near me where I didn't place him because of lack of activities, but when he is much more out of it, those are options.

For some of us, the traditional memory care model may only be an option if we are in such dire physical or mental straits we can't do it any more, and if we don't have too high expectations. Neither of those applied to me. I will keep you posted about how I'm coping🙄

Timmyd

Thank you for sharing your experience. Your husband is very lucky to have you. I hope you are able to find the type of help or facility that can make things better for both of you. Please keep us updated.

CindyBum

I’m so sorry you both went through that, but very grateful you posted.

jfkoc

You certainly get an award for flexibility. So many think placement must be permanent.

My husband was able to live at home but I remember thinking how expensive care became but I realize now that placement would have been more.

Please do continue to "update" us.

M5M

Tucson, thank you for the detailed information from one who has been there. I can see my DH with many of the same reactions should place him. I have some care support so hopefully will be able to muddle through. Best wishes.

cdgbdr

Thank you for this. I pray that MC will work for DH.

Biggles

Thank you so much for sharing your experience. I can relate to all that you said. I had the same sort of experiences with my mother. Im sure my DH would react in the same manner he too would be sad and lost as would I. I have been feeling some pressure from MC talk but at this stage because I couldn’t bare his response, would rather keep him at home with extra help and suffer the consequences. Maybe I’ll change my mind later.

Jgirl57

So very sorry for you and your DH. It’s good to know you will hire extra help at home . There is no perfect way to manage this disease and each journey is different. Thank you for sharing. We all learn from each other. I am getting ready to place my DH for a 30 day respite in a MC facility so I can have some rest and get our apartment decluttered and remove larger unused pieces of furniture .

Gator1976

thank you for sharing. You pointed out good information for those of us who will someday cross your path. I ah e been worried about how I would handle my DW leaving for a care facility. I would like more information on small. Are facilities that medic living in a home of I guess 4-8 patients. How do you know if that are legit places, etc etc.

WIGO23

Your experience is my nightmare. I am coping with caregiving thus far but I fear the day I might not be able to. My DH is so dependent and attached to me that as long as he is, I don’t think I could leave him.

Melrob1

Thank you for sharing. I'm getting ready to look at facilities and everyone's experiences are important to hear. I pray you find a great place but he's very lucky to have you.

annie51

Thank you for sharing your story. I’m sorry your experience was so negative and I hope this will work out better for you. I’m glad your DH was happy being home again and didn’t bring the sadness home with him. I certainly hope that some MC facilities provide better care and communication than what you experienced. I’ve visited 6 facilities and have two favorites. I haven’t yet decided to place him. One has a 30 day trial where they waive the “community fee” until the 2nd month. I’m not naive enough to think everything would be hunky dory, but if I look at it as a 30 day respite stay that might recharge me. And if he seems happier there and he gets the kind of care he deserves, that would make my decision easier.

Good luck with the caregiver route. I hope things work out for you both.

wose

I’m so sorry both of you had to go through that awful situation. So grateful for your post and insight. I cannot imagine being in your position. We need to get you a Hero’s Cape! Will be think of you.