Help with moving unwilling mom to senior living

CincyD

Hi, I'm new here. My 82 yo mom has mid stage alz, and is currently living with my dad in the home they've been in for 45 years. My dad 83 yo is very ready to move to a senior living community and is finally reaching the top of the wait list for his desired community that has assisted living and memory care available when needed. My mom is VERY negative and completely resistant, but this is a necessary move. My dad is the primary caretaker, and I live nearby and me/my family (husband, 2 adult sons) are involved and assist as needed. I have no idea how this move will happen, given her negative/unwilling attitude, how anything will get packed/ready, etc. Her fits/tirades about the topic of moving to a senior community are very difficult to experience. Also, she is/has always been in complete denial about having memory issues. Any advice from people who have been there/done this would be greatly appreciated!

harshedbuzz

@CincyD

Hi and welcome. I am sorry for your reason to be here but pleased you found this place.

Your mom isn't in denial, she has anosognosia. This is a condition in which a PWD can't recognize their own cognitive impairment and loss of function in their day-to-day life. Trying to convince her otherwise will feel like gaslighting. Best to stop that and figure out some work arounds to make the move easier for all involved.

In your shoes, I would create a therapeutic lie, aka fiblet, for why they're moving. It could be something relating to their current home— "the water/sewer main is being replaced and we'll need to move elsewhere until the water is back on", "the house will be tented for termites", etc. We told dad "his doctor ordered PT, so we arranged for him to stay at this fancy rehab". It generally helps to present the move as temporary and not your decision as it allows you to kick the can down the road and not be the one responsible for her being out of the house.

Selling and packing will just agitate her. She's likely too impaired to participate and will just make the process harder for those doing the work. When I moved my parents, dad was never involved. I moved them twice after he was diagnosed. The first time he was conveniently in rehab and was discharged to his new apartment near his doctors until they cleared him to go down to Florida. The second time I sent her and mom to a nice hotel for a weekend and worked with my minions to set up the house so it would be completely unpacked when they arrived Sunday evening.

Again, in your shoes, the latter would be my choice. You could talk with FIL about what he wants moved and how he wants it set up and use a mix of professional movers, sons, and yourself to make it happen while they're at a hotel of visiting friends/relatives. After they're safely moved, you or someone you hire can complete the task of clearing out the rest. Since you'll likely be downsizing, Mom'll probably be paranoid about her stuff. With dad we did have a storage until temporarily so I could tell him stuff was in storage and show him a badly lit picture of his stuff on my phone as proof. I continued this long after I'd donated what mom decided she didn't want or need.

The other caveat. This may or may not be applicable to your parents' situation. My first choice CCRC (aka senior living) administers a cognitive assessment for all potential residents as part of their interview process. While they allow current residents to age-in-place with dementia in their MCF (or apartment with a spouse-caregiver) their business model depends on residents living independently for several years before needing enhanced levels of care. YMMV.

HB

CincyD

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/252789#Comment_252789

Thank you so much for your helpful response! ❤️

I just learned the term anosognosia this morning while reading discussion posts on this site - very enlightening!

Your recommendations are great - and I agree that keeping mom out of the move discussions/process until it's done will likely be the best way to go. The approach of having mom and dad out of the house for a weekend and handling the move for them seems best. And it will make the rest of their time in the house more enjoyable for them, without all of the recurring arguments re: leaving.

I'm also going to share your comments with my dad regarding the senior community so he can check into whether that may be an issue for them.

Thank you!

H1235

HB gave great advice. Depending on how much there is to move, you might also consider someone taking them out for a long lunch and a drive after. While they are enjoying their lunch other family members can make the move happen. Little things that might be forgotten can always be brought in later. My brother insisted mom could pack for the move herself. It was a nightmare. It also caused her so much stress. I know surprising with the move may not seem right, but putting her through the stress and worry of the move isn’t good either. I hope everything goes well.

CincyD

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/252798#Comment_252798

Thanks so much for your response and insights! I like the idea of making the move happen for them while they are otherwise occupied. But I'm also feeling a bit anxious trying to wrap my mind around how much work this will be, and how much time will be needed. Definitely days vs hours. They've been in their home for 45 years, so there is a lot of stuff to deal with. Of course, only a fraction of the stuff would be going with them…and the rest can be dealt with after they've been moved…

H1235

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/252842#Comment_252842

I would definitely only worry about what needs to be moved to make them comfortable. All the rest can wait for another day. We moved my mom and my mil in a day.

harshedbuzz

@CincyD

When we cleaned out my aunt's compound— think the contents of 2 homes after 60+ years of marriage in a property that included a main house, a cottage, a 4-bay garage with attic space, store/workshop, shed and boathouse— we got the family things and papers out and then called in a man who has a side hustle selling things at auction and on ebay. They pulled up with 3 trucks— one for his storage building, one for Goodwill and one for the dump. At the end of the day, the estate got a smallish check for a share of the auction proceeds. If they have some high end or vintage things, this is an option.

I was lucky, after enduring this craziness, mom returned home and had a purge which will make her house a piece of cake.

HB

CincyD

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/252850#Comment_252850

Lucky you re: your mom's purging! And, your aunt's compound property sounds amazing 😉