DH in MC 3 days now...

cdgbdr

DH is 73 in stage 5 teetering into to 6. He was scheduled to move into a different MC 8/21 but that fell apart and he moved into what I think is a good facility this week. He is confused and wants to leave. Not aggressive, but concerned about where his sister and I am. Today he wanted to leave with me and wanted me to promise to never do this again. We told him he is there for therapy and to get stronger. One of us has visited each day so far but I don't want to do this forever. I know there are differing points of view on the frequency of visits. Should I skip some days? The staff is caring and helpful. I am satisfied with that part. This stinks. Yesterday I was able to leave with no issues.

SiberianIris

I am at the beginning of the MC journey as well. My thread is in the Caring for a Parent section titled "First visit to Mom in MC - I survived!"

We're now one month in, and things have improved, but I had a lot of sleepless nights and guilty feelings before and after the move. I know I'll still have them from time to time, but it's getting better.

I also know that Mom will probably never tell me "I love this place - thanks for moving me here", but I can see that she is both physically and cognitively better than before when she was in an AL apartment with just her and 3 shifts of caregivers.

Remember that moving is highly stressful even for people with normal cognitive functioning. As a spouse, this is a huge change in both your lives, so please go easy on yourself.

Personally, I think not visiting every day would be beneficial for you both. Your husband will have more opportunity to bond with staff and other residents and get a feel for the routine.

Even though people with dementia lose a lot of their brain function, their emotional sensitivity remains strong. That means they can still sense your moods and feelings, but they may not interpret them correctly. If you go for a visit when you're tense and upset, they'll pick up on it and think they should be tense and upset as well. Don't feel guilty about limiting your visits to times when you can be in a positive frame of mind. This benefits both you and your husband.

In these early days, don't be shy about contacting the MC staff and asking how he is adjusting and if they have any recommendations.

SDianeL

I would visit less. I used to visit at mealtime so he was distracted. When you leave don’t say goodbye. Just quietly leave. Tell the caregiver you are leaving so they can distract him. They would give my DH ice cream when I left. He probably wont remember when you last visited. They usually don’t have a grasp of time. So don’t feel guilty. Give these tips to his sister too. Ask the caregiver how he is when you’re not there if you’re concerned about how he’s adjusting.

harshedbuzz

@cdgbdr

I'm sorry. That's got to be hard on your heart even in the context of it being the best option for him.

It's very early days; settling in typically takes about 2 months. Your visits might be triggering a desire to go home that isn't go for either of you. Many places encourage a period of 2 weeks or so to allow the PWD to settle into their new home and bond with the care team.

On the other hand, his orientation to time in this stage would suggest that a daily visit isn't likely recalled, so less might be better for now. I would ask his team how he is after you leave. Does he remain distressed, or does he generally join meals and activities?

During dad's adjustment, I visited with mom to keep them in the more public areas of the facility. Dad had just enough on the ball to behave himself if others were around and this kept him from yelling at my mom. When it was time to leave, I excused myself to use the ladies room and kept walking. This saved us both tearful goodbyes. Others have had success timing their visits to the start or meals or preferred activities.

HB

cdgbdr

HB

I spoke with the nurse last night and he was OK. Happily, he lets them help him change his briefs! Sometimes he sat for hours and wouldn't let me help him.

I'm staying home today. They tell him I'm working and since I do work full time, he accepts it. This is rough but I don't think we could have continued and me maintain any type of sanity. Thanks for listening.