Day by day

luis_calle_17572

I am the caregiver for my mother (75y) with dementia. I began caring for both parents since the spring of 2024 after father (80y) experienced a heart attack. He survived but became wheelchair dependent. This summer 2025 he had another heart attack and did not survive. I have been caring for my mom but it’s getting harder day by day. She does not want to eat meals I cook. She just wants junk food. She has many health problems and I’m doing my best to help get/keep her healthy. She’s become very rude and argumentative about many things. I understand she’s grieving and I try to be patient but lately I feel like I’m going crazy. I don’t really know what I’m trying to find. Support. Encouragement. Ideas. I’ve tried to talk to family but no one understands.

jen ht

Hello,

I am so glad you've messaged and reached out. We often say here that we're sorry for the reason, but so glad you are here and have found this wonderful group of people who "get it". I agree with you that other do not understand even remotely the pressure, the grief, the exhaustion, etc. if they haven't walked this path themselves. Here - is different. Here - we do get it.

I called the 800 helpline number (on this page - below) a couple of times when I was really struggling to find my next steps or to even process my thinking. It really helped me. I also use the search option as various words come to my mind and I read, read, read to learn from others here. I'm not sure any of those will resonate with you.

Can you get some minutes to yourself for a walk near trees/in a park or near water? That helps me reset too. I know sometimes it's not possible, though.

Others will be along to share their insights too.

May we be well 💜

jht

luis_calle_17572

thank you for your kind words. I get a moment to myself early in the mornings and once or twice a week my aunt comes over while I go to town for groceries or errands. I’m doing my best to take care of myself too. It’s been hard to ask for help, some have offered but it’s been difficult. I try to be consistent to try and establish some order to the chaos. I don’t know what’s helping or hurting. Like with food and stuff. To be firm and say no when she asks for sugary stuff. She wants cakes and cookies and she gets mad if I say no or try to offer something else.

SDianeL

welcome. Sorry about your Mom. As I learned here, you can’t reason with someone whose reasoner is broken. And never argue with someone with dementia. Your Mom’s short term memory is gone so trying to get her to do something won’t work. Many PWDs crave sugary snacks. They don’t understand they are not healthy. Hide the sugary snacks and put healthy snacks where she can easily find them. Read the book “The 36 Hour Day” which will help you help her. Search online for dementia caregiving videos by Tam Cummings and Teepa Snow. Your Mom has agonosia which is the inability to understand you have an illness like dementia. She believes she’s OK. I doubt her behaviors are grief related. Search online for a chart that lists behaviors for the 7 stages of dementia. That will give you a general idea of what stage she’s in. I would ask her doctor for anti anxiety meds for her anxiety and agitation. A Geriatric Psychiatrist is the best type of doctor to manage meds for those with dementia. Come here often for info and support. We understand what you are going through. 💜

luis_calle_17572

thank you so much. This has been very helpful. I have felt lost for so long.