Transitioning to senior living facility

jord55013

Hello everyone - I am currently caregiving for my 87 year old mom since February of this year (I am her daughter and POA). We are going to move her to senior living in December and I need advice on making the transition happen. She thinks she can live on her own and doesn't think she needs to move. Does anyone have experience on moving someone who doesn't want to be moved?

SusanB-dil

You could check the threads here for suggestions. Most just don't tell our LO they are being moved. They just go ahead and move them. Perhaps take her out for lunch or dinner while someone could set up her room. Once she is in her room and settled, fiblets often work… "This is temporary while: 'the house is being worked on'. 'there was a watermain break, the street flooded, and needs to be fixed'. electrical system, water system " - whatever works.

H1235

welcome. Unfortunately I do have some experience with this. Most of my experience is with what doesn’t work. Mom did not want to move to Al or later to the nursing home. My brother insisted mom be told weeks in advance for both moves. She was so stressed and upset about the move she was an absolute mess. She made lists, packed random things she didn’t need, he even took her to the store to by things she didn’t need. On the day of both moves she had boxes all over and we had no idea what was in them. She pointed to boxes she wanted loaded and when we got to her new place I sifted through them in the back of my suv and pulled out only the things she needed. My brother and I got in a big fight. He said if she packed it it must be something she needs (I guess he expected us to bring paper plated, napkins and a cupcake recipe book in to the nursing home). It was a nightmare. Months after the move she is still talking about all the stuff she had packed that she still needs. Susan’s suggestion that you make up an excuse for the move is an approach I have read about often here. My sibling did not believe in lying to mom, even if it would keep her from getting stressed out and upset. I think the idea of moving and setting up the room without her sounds so much less stressful, for you and her. You know your mom best. It might work to just tell her the day of the move. Tell her you will drive her there and that another sibling is going to load up some basic for the new place. Tell her you can bring the rest later. This worked with my mil. Two of us stayed with mom at the new facility, one daughter packed up boxes from her apartment and the two guys loaded everything into a trailer and brought it in. My sil and I helped mom (a lot) decide we’re things should go and hung pictures. This was very stressful for her, but she made it through. When we were done she said how happy she was that everything from her 3 bedroom apartment was able to fit in her very small Al apartment (of course it didn’t and we later had an estate sale, but she never missed anything). There is no right answer here. You just do what you think will work best for her and hope for the best. I hope it goes well.

terei

Invent a reason that she has to move…could be anything…a gas leak, broken pipe, dead furnace, whatever. Tell her she has to move ‘temporarily’ til the issue is resolved. Try to hold off telling her until right before you have to move her. The staff at the facility will help you with this…welcoming her to lunch and taking over getting her settled while you slip away. After she is there, the problem is of course extended week after week. If that doesn’t work for you any longer, many people just tell the PWD that the doctor has ordered she be there for treatment until she improves and there is nothing you can do about it.

Quit discussing with her the possibility of moving and just plan it and get it done. You will never gain her agreement about this. Trying to convince her is just extending the stress for you both.

SDianeL

I would make sure the facility will allow her to age in place as the disease progresses or place her in memory care rather than senior living or AL. Memory care caregivers know how to handle dementia patients and the facility is locked so the PWD can’t wander off. If you choose AL you may have to move her again to MC.